Not quite surrendering all (at least not yet)

Tonight I am dealing with a difficult task: To pray for my... *cringe* I can't even write it down now.

Oh Lord. Can I wager? I'll pray for anything else- a million dollars, world peace, my love for math. Anything except that!

Hah... talk about Lordship... Obedience is like forgiveness in the sense that it's easy to say except when you have something to actually forgive. Or obey. Hm.

Recently the Lord strongly prompted me to pray for...*sigh* my love life. Grr. Unthinkable, if you ask me. Why? Because of all the silly complications in the world, love is the most difficult to deal with. Come to terms with it, and you'll wind up floating with wings on your shoes. DON'T come to terms with it, and you'll end up with a death wish. Or just death, if you're lucky.

I know exactly how silly I sound. The rebel in me is the typist at the moment. I mean come on- how do I deal with instance that God is prodding me- I mean prompting me- to pray for that one thing I don't like? Yeah, well...I consider myself well and able to talk about relationships, and yeah, I've even read a lot about courtship, marriage, and divorce. But seriously considering it for myself? Oh, unheard of. Theoretically, love sounds profoundly intriguing, but involving myself in such schemes is... *shudder*

So why do I resist praying for my love life?

1. I think that if I do NOT pray for it, nothing will happen. I will be happily single, and I can contribute freely to the community and my family.

2. Conversely if I DO pray for it, something is bound to happen and I won't get my gift of celibacy. Like everybody else, I'd go through with the process of union and procreation...perhaps suffer childbirth...get up in the wee hours of the morning to cook (Prov.31:15), grasp my spindle and work (v.19)...are you kidding me?! Me, be a mother, wake up early, and spin thread?!

So why do I really not want to marry?

I simply think love is the alibi that people use to glorify the mundane mode of union and procreation for the continuity of the human race. It's all hormones and vital signs. It's about natural selection. Nothing new about it. Yet people choose to go with what has been the usual recipe for survival. Hm. Of course it is still God's gift, His majestic design, but I don't want to have a part of it. Maybe love is a miracle for others, but not for me. I'm not into mystics.

Also, a few minutes ago, a friend of mine showed me a copy of an excerpt from "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I felt restless as I read about how women are designed to be gifts for men. Here's the line that prompted me to write this entry:

"As women, we are designed to give ourselves completely - emotionally and physically to one man. And there is a deep need inside of us to be loved and cherished for a lifetime by the man to whom we give the gift (of purity)."

I cannot accept this. No way am I just a 'half' of some wise guy who expects me to wait on him. Ha! No way! Are men and women not equal in God's eyes? Then why does the woman have to be 'incomplete'? And what about the reality of single blessedness? Does that mean this life is lacking? I don't think God is unjust to such people.

Speaking on that matter is the apostle Paul. Paul wrote in his letter that it is better for the singles not to marry.(1Cor.7:8) Why? Because he probably knew well the commitment involved in doing so. Of course, in marriage, the woman must submit to the man (again, which is my pain). And both of them have to work for the household. Which means less time. And according to a friend of mine who is happily married, even personal devotion schedules need to be revamped- one for God and you, one for God, you, and husband, and one for God, you, and family.

And the process of childbirth..! The moment I first saw the head of the baby crowning to get a first peek at the world, I closed my eyes and prayed, "God forbid! Not for me!"

...

Oh Lord. Let me be a celibate. I know how childish I sound, and I know you already have something mapped out for my future, but can I not kindly impose..? In tears I ask for this. I really don't want the life of a plain housewife.

To those of you who have the desire and would really want to be married- I hope you know what you're wanting. I respect your desire. As for me, I will remain stubborn... at least for a while, for the meantime...