Tales of the Lull (5 stories)

Past the special farewell dinner I had with my school buddies (Jas, Ian, Yeong Ki, Jim, JR), I am currently seated in front of the computer monitor- the only source of light in this darkened room where I am staying in at the time. I admit that I am finding it hard to fall asleep these days. Maybe it's because of all the changes that are happening to me.

First, there's the list of decisions I had made: there's the med thing, the 3/30 thing, the indefinite leave thing... so much is happening at this time that I find it hard to take in everything all at once. And then there are the goodbyes all around me. Suddenly, people are walking out of my life at one period. Some are just going for a vacation. Others are simply moving up and about to find their niche in society. Both are reasonable, of course, but as I have especially learned these past few weeks, no amount of rationalizing can ever truly obliterate the pain of detachment, right? It's atypical of me to do so, but I have altogether stopped formulating reasons for this growing feeling of loneliness, which is a virus at its most thriving stage this week. 

Ah! The goodbyes...I never grow out of them. 

But well, the recent miracle is that I have grown tired of thinking. Haha! The logician experiences a temporary shut down... and perhaps for the meantime, the mental vacation is good.

1:25am, says the computer clock. I have my big group class first thing in the morning and I'm still awake here, downloading some fresh music files. And to think I have a lot of preparation to take care of tomorrow. Super crazy. Thankfully I was bitten by the writer's bug in this downloading lull. Perfect timing. 

So now what can I say? Hmm...

Of course... life is not so easy these days... I will always have my set of woes, especially since typically, change is not easily accepted by people, and unfortunately, change is constant, too! Major changes are hard to take in. But on the lighter side, I have my fun or strange encounters to balance my elements... sometimes I feel that the cosmic powers conspire to sprinkle my days with these comical quirks...  

Old Connections-

I felt super glad to see one of my student friends- my sister friend- Sophie, back in school. I was so happy that I was literally jumping upon seeing her. She is one of the femmes whom I feel comfortable with. A bonus point is that, without her noticing anything, I mentally paid attention to her speaking as we greeted each other during her return...and it felt good to hear how her speaking has improved, especially with some particular words that I had pointed out to her (strictly!) when she was still part of my small group class. More than that, I am expecting to have more girl-bonding with her and some new girls real soon.^^ 


I have also received an unexpected package from Dong Hyeon, which prompted me to sigh and ask... What is up with all the chocolate? This is because, as my closest friends know, I typically don't eat snacks that are given to me, unless they are opened right then and there. Truthfully, I don't like chocolates and snacks so much, especially these days. Having received a lot of it last Happy Tuesday, I currently have more than enough fill of glucose and polyphenols. 


Nevertheless, I promptly sent a very warm message of thanks for the thoughtful present... and I am slowly consuming them... yummy. I prefer chocolates with rice crispies.^^ 


Also, four days ago I had the privilege to communicate with one of my favorite students of last year, old Daniel. He is still crazy, hairstyle is crazier, and he remains to be one of my faithful friends to this day. 


And what a surprise- good ol' Tony came back from the dead, whoahohoho. He periodically resurfaces from his sea of typical student obligations to say hi to me. 


Eddy is Cute- 


Oh! Today I fall for the cuteness of Eddy in Pororo (the fox)... suuuuper cute! He has a pair of cute ears which twitch with his expressions. And his eyes...when he smiles, they are just a pair of slits. Normally, they are just a pair of dots. Ah, cute cute cute. I had quickly downloaded a picture of him earlier today. I am planning to watch more of the series to pass time, especially nowadays that I have my lazy hours in the early afternoons. I don't mind sounding like an overgrown kid, coz what the heck, he's cute...come on, no argument about that...


9 vs 1? Bring it on!-


My big group class made me realize all the more how I dislike being on the spotlight! Lecturing in front of people is not really my cup of tea (or my can of coke, haha), but of course as part of my development, I have learned to accept the situation as part of personal improvement. Oh, but how I hate being in front... eeerrgghh...I want to remain in my room if I can choose to! (But of course if I did, there'd be murder, haha!) 

Even then, I must say that being able to handle big group classes has its perks. My morning classes get rowdy at times because of the super shows they put up. I get to meet more people and establish social connections with them. Also, I get more chances to practice speaking in front of other people (as if I'm not having a load of that, heh). Unfortunately/fortunately I have to leave the teaching stint shortly because of my personal business. But overall, what a lovely experience...^^

The Man Without the Shirt-

It started one night while I was having dinner with some friends. In particular, Yeong Ki started asking me about my ideal male celebrity. We compared pictures for a while, and when I asked about Won Bin, he immediately obliged and showed me some interesting pictures of him. At one point, I had to look away from his phone at once because he showed me a...hmm... daring picture of this guy. At that time, without my knowledge, he had instantly sent me four pictures in kakao. Imagine my surprise upon seeing the pictures later that night... *self-conscious laughter* yaaaaaa what the..! (at first it was more of shocking, then later it was more of awesome hahahaha) In a nutshell... I totally agree with his appeal. Wow. And just two days ago, I read an article claiming that the he is currently the sexiest Korean, which is... *smiles* not at all surprising...go Won Bin...=^^=


Enough of that. I just find it truly unusual to...umm... giggle because of some raw masculine appeal. Ha! 


I can ponder on more stories worth remembering, but for now, optimism counts... and so I have to sleep! That's it.^^

today is a happy day

oh happy day. that's all i can say. today i was almost late for my class, but then it was ok because my student fell ill and was not able to come for writing class. i worried, but anyway i visited a close teacher and we chatted merrily for the duration of second class. not bad, because i missed her a lot. she's my closest female friend in school, so i enjoyed it a lot.

after that we went upstairs to do some office work. i helped craft a new eop badge, with ryan leading us. then lunch break came...so i had to take my toeic test as part of our monthly evaluation. i felt confident about my answers, except for two items. so i might have a pretty good shot at getting some top rank among the teachers. kkkk yey, but i think i shall review some more... right after taking my toeic test, i had fifteen minutes left of the lunch break, so i dashed to the cafeteria to get some quick bite, because i was really hungry. on the way i met teacher kevin, my teammate... so we ate together quickly. it was the first time that i had lunch with him, so it was a novel experience. i think we got to know each other better, which i think is good.^^

next period was sgc. nowadays i am having a fun challenge with my students, three of them, because two went to cebu. we had a very very good discussion about jobs, family, and dreams. i saw myself being very comfortable with them. and it kinda hurt to think that i had only eight days with them. kk but it's ok. i am happy to have known them better these past few days. hmmm... but tomorrow we resume regular sgc class...meaning the challenge is over and we have to go back to the book. i heard them saying, awwwww kkkkk which was enough to make me smile.

after that, as expected, yeong ki was absent. i was with him the night before, so i understood his situation. kkk old people get tired too easily kkk good thing andy was there to entertain me a bit. he is asking for a dinner meeting with me and someone special. i hit him because i know he is just using me as an excuse to spend time with the woman that he likes. kkkk well i can't blame him. my student is actually pretty and i like her because she is kind and diligent.

last class was interesting because i got to play with students and teachers. one student took my bright yellow shoes, and wore them for show. here's the catch- she is seven years old. and she likes me, which is very unusual for kids. another student, who seemed friendly enough, chatted with me as i went on playing around with the little girl.

after thirty minutes, i decided to do some office work, so i went upstairs in the office to help my supervisor make some final test questions. i thought it was fun. one question is my favorite- you're eating in an exotic restaurant and you friend tells you that you are eating monkey brain. what would you do? kkk i like these thought-provoking queries kkkkk

after that, i played the guitar with one of my close friends, ian. i taught him how to play his familiar song. good try for him. also, we had a good chat...then it was time to go home. we had to wait for our other family members to finish with some duties in the office... later, after about forty minutes, jas, jr, jim, ian, and i had a feast...pizza, salad, chicken, fish, squid, potatoes, beer, and iced tea. it was a great way to end a long tiring day. everyone looked tired but happy. i felt dizzy with the delicious taste of all the food we had. while eating, we talked about a lot of funny things. we laughed a lot. on my part, there was a point that i was laughing uncontrollably because of some ridiculous suppositions made mainly by jas. super funny. i was careful not to drink anything as he went on talking. kkk

and now i am home. i had a good chat with my ma. i wish we always had this kind of connection, however things go. after finishing my cleanup, i thought about it and realized that i had a good good day... so i smiled and decided to exercise my writing skills. it's been a while since i had written anything here... what a day. now i must retire. i think i should kkk i hadn't been getting a lot of good sleep these past few days. also the numbness comes and goes... i should take care of this soon.

the perpetual backseat occupant

the feeling that you are always on the bottom list of everyone around you... the feeling that it doesn't matter to anyone whether or not you're there... that the world can go on peacefully without you right there for them...

the backseat occupant is someone who is never needed. in a car, all you need is for the front seat occupant- yes, the driver- so the car will run. even if the backseat occupant is not present, it doesn't matter. the driver can still keep running the engine without any whims. after all, the backseat person can even be a disadvantage...or if the occupant is not there, well...everything is still on operation... nothing to worry about. for delightful companionship, the passenger's seat is open... the seat next to the driver... that's a fine, fine position to be in.

however i try to deny it, i feel so sad because of this state...i realize i am always the backseat occupant in everyone's lives. the people around me don't care. hmmm how i want to be topsomething on people's lists... the one they would remember when they have some good or bad news.... some crazy whim or some food to eat...some story to tell... but nowadays i realize, i have fallen to this belief that wherever i go in this world, i am just the last thing on everyone's mind. people especially forget when they are too happy. recently, people around me have been receiving really good news...and i noticed how they also pass me by after that...no hearty greetings, no dinner invitations, no sincere questions of "how are you?" and not even hello that is not just being polite...especially this time when i desperately need a lot of friends beside me...nobody's really there...of course i have a lot of friends, but nobody was really present to take the time to check...or did i fail to notice that i never mattered to anyone in the first place? a few people told me, don't feel that way, you're important... but the message i receive with their actions are, "you don't matter. i don't think you're important. i don't need you." i am sensing it might have a lot to do with my love language...i treasure quality time and words, so i get equally disappointed when i am hit in the same method. i don't know. i am messed up with this thinking.  maybe i believed too much, expectd too much... or did i get dragged by lies that i can be on anyone's passenger's seat?

the fact remains that i feel like the perpetual backseat occupant and that it's nobody's fault. i cannot expect, cannot ask, cannot request...i cannot complain because nobody is perfect. nobody can ever really know this. i was the fire...now i am the invisible wind. maybe it's a seasonal thing...whatever. i am alone. Lord, why is this happening? i feel hurt. but i know, You have my cure for this secret loneliness...give me that please...so my holidays will be good and i can go back to caring more about the people around me, even from the backseat.

(free verse) lost

How you move my heart so much...
How you move me so easily...

And even if I don't like it,

I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...

But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...

But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.

I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.

And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You

note of acceptance

My heart is breaking,
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...

You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,

I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him

I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style

You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise

It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.

i got my answer, and it's better than none

you are right... now is not the time, Lord... i should hide my mind and move away. i have to stop wanting something that is not mine... he is not interested anyway, and i totally get the point. and thank you for giving me such a good friend. that is better than nothing, right... so as to the question of to tell or not to tell... yeah, i got my answer finally... and it's sad, heartbreaking, but happy at the same time that it's easier to take because the answer is given. also, it's better and more merciful than none. personally i prefer this better than none. it's much friendlier.

but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...

submit to God and say thank you.

so, so, so sad

i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.

so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.

i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.

i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.