It's been such a long time since I logged in here to write something out of nothing. As usual, I'm not my usual self as I enter here. Ewan ko ba...rejection does come as a heavy issue for me.
Right now I'm supposed to go home but since I'm waiting for the curse of the color coding to lift from the car tonight at 7, I just have to find something to do...which is rather a miracle nowadays in the hustle and bustle of fourth year life. Yeah, I'm graduating in a while, but I don't even seem to feel it. I just go with what I have...
And I'm talking and rambling about virtually nothing significant. It's just surprising to find myself seated here at the sixth floor of our university library, just passing time away with less important stuff when I'm supposed to be working at my nursing stuff, which had been long due...ewan ko ba. Pero as usual, pag hindi conducive ang surroundings, hindi talaga ako gagalaw. Extremes ika nga. Pag sipag, gogogo! Pag tamad, all the way baby!
Hay. Honestly, I have to admit that I'm not in the mood to work because my heart wish got rejected. Heart wish definition: any wish I want to fulfill out of a childlike longing and is not related to serious career decisions. Ayun, so after dreaming about it for a week I realized today that I had to fall back hard into reality and wake up- realize that I'm not for that dream that I was aiming for. Some dreams are, as cliche has it, not meant to be. Grr.
Kaya ako sad.
Kaya ako nagmumukmok dito mag-isa.
Kaya ko ayaw gumalaw.
Kaya ko kailangang mag-blog uli after a while. Wala kasi akong mahilang makasama ngayon eh. Kala ko di na ko mahihirapang maghanap ng kasama since fourth year began, but then...yeah, I guess I will always have my solo-flight moments even when I do not desire them that much anymore. Dati kasi it felt comfortable to be alone, and I occasionally still choose to be alone, since I don't want to be a burden to anyone, or I don't want to drag anyone and let someone be my burden, or I just want to be happy alone..?
Or am I really happier then when I am alone? I don't know. Now that I AM alone again against my will, I realize how long it's been...and how companionship feels like a much much amicable option for me now. I guess I changed immensely in that aspect. Weird. I'm still growing up...even unconsciously. Hahaha.
Principle of subsidiarity? Man cannot live alone? No man is an island? Yeah...hahaha.
And how funny that God makes me realize again in these moments that I need him so much, with or without human companionship. People will not always be visible right beside me. Friends will say hello and go. Relationships around us are like leaves: sure they flourish in spring when the time is right, but also given the time, they wither, they fall...they die.
Which is why it is important to put my security in God who will always be with me.
Hmm. I think that's the best realization I've had today. Hahaha. Maybe I should go now. It is getting dark...
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