A song in the night

Nobody said that letting go was easy,
But that's the road we have to take sometimes.
In the name of a love that longs to be free,
We stand firm, with heartbeats that rhyme...
With what is right, in spite of the pain
With what is true, with all and more to gain

I'll stand the sleepless nights,
'll cry the tears that come,
And l'll see this with a light,
Knowing where it is from.

I'll fight the bouts of blue
There's nothing I won't do.
I'll take this hurting without you,
If it leads me back to you.

I brought this upon myself.

It tears me to think that I need to loosen my hold on you guys a little.

Sometimes I feel that I should just know my limits when it comes to deciding who to see and who to be with. Now that I've thought of that, I see the downsides of having great friends whom I want to know more about but can't seem to spend enough time with them to do that.

Yeah, I'm talking about my friends (and not acquaintances anymore) from engineering...si Kathy, Paul, Kim, Ken, Jirelle, Kency, Gerald at Aldrin. I know it's just not me to entertain friends who spend their lives far apart from me. I belong to nursing. They belong to the same place. What makes me think I'll ever find a way to keep them close to me? Ewan. I hope it's not this complicated, but it is, apparently.

Since I've met them all, they've made me happy in the way they shared their colorful lives with me...their thoughts, their stories, laughtrips, opinions...and before I sensed it coming, I was anticipating the chances that I could talk with them for a bit. It's as if I've established a connection with them in such a short time. And it touches me a lot to think that they welcomed me despite the fact that I was really different from them. Weird, pero parang sila yung high school berks ko nung nasa sj ako...they warmly welcomed me in.

But it's not that they're the only ones who make me happy and feel that I belong. No. Believe me, I do love my other friends enough sa nursing and sa sj...I love them all. But then I feel that I can also have something special with tropang chong, and yet I know I cannot enhance that possibility any more than the short moments I have with them because I'm just restricted to do so. Major factors include my college course, my mother, my brother, and the time contraints.

My mother does not want me to be friends with them. And since she knows my whereabouts, well...it's a tough thing to hide from her...na napamahal na nga ako sa mga batang ito. I always want to help them out and be present when they laugh, or when they cry...and sometimes I just want to hit some of them for fun, hehehe. Kaso kasalanan ko na rin naman na ganun na lang ang doubts niya sa kanila...kasi hindi same ground. Basta feel ko ako may kasalanan, kasi I insisted to be with them, kahit alam ko yung risks.

Naguguluhan ako kasi I want to be close to them, yet now I realize that maybe I should just wait for the right time when everything will fall in the right place and perhaps then I can be closer to them.

I pray that the time will come when I will be allowed to see them...without being told that I can't, that I shouldn't...whatever. And now as much as I want to spend time with them, I'm torn between my mother's authority and my will to fight for these friends of mine. Kaya now, I feel that I should just trust God and hope that things get better.

Parang papel yan. If I open my hand, it's gonna fly off and someone else is gonna find it. If I grip it too hard, it's gonna get crumpled.

So the best thing to do, alalay lang sa hawak.^^

I wish I had more time...and yet...

And yet...I feel the bitter necessity to allow some things to slip from my hands for now like flowing water.

How I wish I did not have to let go of the wonderful things I had in my life...

But my heart's a bag that cannot be overfilled...too much is never good. Man has his limitations, I believe...

...

I wish I could take away the feeling of jealousy that so claims me in the smallest hints of rejection...

Even though sometimes I know the feeling is pointless, it's such a struggle for me to remain in control of rationality.

But I guess that's the thing with jealousy...contrary to popular belief, it's never a good thing according to the Good Book. Which is why I have to check it once in a while.

For love is not selfish. It is patient.

...

I wish I could stop stumbling along the road of life.

I could save myself from heartbreaks and emotional pains. I could be more productive and focused for most of my life then...

I don't want to get hurt. Who wants to get hurt anyway? Well...

I just have to learn to love God more in the pitfalls...and grow, grow...be more than I can be for him.

....

I wish I can be more of a female as I am expected to be.

But I'm not and I know it. It'd be a lie to force myself to always look prim and proper.

But what the heck...it's nice to be a unique combination of spice...it adds to the fun factor of life...

Anni is anni. Or is she, really? Hmmm...

Five matters

Sleep is taking over me as I type this, but then the urge to write wins over for the meantime...who knows until when... Anyway, I'm hacking the keys at random, speaking with my heart out on my sleeve. I can say I missed writing.
So! How's life...
Recently, here are a few updates:
1. CABG (coronary artery bypass grafting)- My grandfather's going to have a bypass tomorrow at three pm. I really wanted to watch, but of course duty calls in school so I have to sadly pass. But I did have this fun conversation with him yesterday...
Me: Gwakong, payag ka picture kita pg inooperahan ka? *eager wide smile on face*
Gwakong: Siyempre ayaw ko.
Me: *pleads* please please? :) Para makita ko kung saan yung bara...tpos souvenir pa un. Sige na...
Gwakong: *weirded out* ay nko, ayoko...papakita mo pa sa kin.
Me: Eh di hindi ko papakita...sige naaaa.
Eh ayaw tlg. Badtrip, hahahaha. Takot takot kasi ito sa ghastly medical stuff like blood...so ayun. Anyway, fine fine...patient's rights, come on...
2. Cooking- I was not at all happy a while ago when my brother interfered with my first try to cook arroz caldo on my own. I got irritated when he just came in, opened the pot and put in all the seasonings....aaaarrggghh!!! Grabe pkialmero. Naasar tlg ako. It's him making me feel that I can't do anything right ever. Naasar tlg ako. Hmph. I just hate it when he steps on my toes. Sabi niya di daw ksi ako nakikinig. Eh di sana sabihin na lang niya, kaysa nman pupunta n lng ng gnun at mkikialam. Asar kaya. Sabi ko na lang, pati naman siya nagsimula sa wala. Kaya nga I'm trying to learn, di ba. Man...
3. Bonding with shane- I felt really happy na nagkausap kami kahapon ni shane. While visiting my grandfather in Philippine Heart Center, we stole away at one point far from the adults' earshot, bought junk food and coke, and sat on the plush cushions in the lobby to share some recent life stories, hehehe. Our mothers, though slightly worried at our sudden disapperance, seemed amused with the ' walang katapusang chismisan,' which was good. Para namang sila hindi dumaan sa ganyan. Nako ha, at least di naman kami nagsusulatan right after seeing each other, hahahahaha!:P Di ba, mama? ;P
4. No more coke campaign- I want to cut down on my coke-drinking habit. Nasty sugar rush...it can give me diabetes in time if I don't stop...so I want to do that. Self-control...mahirap ata to...hahahaha.
5. Protocol- I and my groupmates are about to have our big case presentation, and it's not easy! So that means, lots of work and patience. Also, may review classes on the side once a week from 8-5...so hirap tlg nun...eh may kasabay pang mga night shifts from 8pm to 6am. Hehehehe. Man, this is going to be a tough week.^^
Ayun na lang muna, my eyes are closing...my head is giving in...I need to sleep na nga...