That's just all I have to write here... Sometime you have to be a man about tough times. Or pretend to be...while dying inside.
Why play friends with me if you DON'T mean to be friends anyway?! If yu want to b*tch slap me then just get on with it and lay off! I hate it that you grip me firmly on my shoulder and smile at me with endearing support when I surely am not stupid enough to buy into your game.
And why do I feel like I don't have actual friends to turn to at this point? Oh Lord...why am I suddenly mistrusting everyone?
...
Maybe because I was made to be the alpha male to most people. The initiator. The doting protector. The decision-maker.
All the more reason to man up or die pretending... with a smile.
...
I'm a girl too, you know... and I cry...*sigh*
Over for now.
Ranting response-
Dearest John,
I have always feared that this time would come that you would finally turn to face me and tell me about the reality that we are facing now. I feel surprised and ashamed that between us, you, being the male, had more sensitivity, guts and will to initiate laying out this controversial observation and discussing it with me. I have always thought that I was more of the emotional manager among the two of us, but even then I lacked the guts to take the matter seriously and getting it out in the open. My weakness must have been finding the means and timing to do so; thus I failed where you succeeded in, and I thank you for bravely standing up for our relationship- even against me.
The issue seems too sensitive for me to take that we even perceive the need to put it in writing to get it straight across, and while normally we get to therapeutically laugh at each other's folly...this is just way out of bounds for us to obliterate with laughter. And the issue... I feel helpless in admitting that undeniably, we are at a crisis in our relationship- a slow, eventual trickle of disaster that soon flooded the streets of our lives- breaking communication lines, drawing cracks of doubt in the foundations which we had laid with care and slowly ruining a private haven which we built our beautiful home in. I guess we did not notice how such a small detail could give us a turnout this bad. And now, our relationship that was once a clear, flowing river is now a murky, slow stream that is bound to become a stagnant swamp if we don't manage it now.
I am sorry for being a contributing factor to all this mess which I somewhat encouraged. I am sorry for not trusting you enough. As I learned and found personal growth in many aspects of life, I discovered new things that I did not feel quite comfortable enough to share with you because of...differences. We've talked of that already- I know my errors in the year that passed- you know your doing as you confirmed in your letter. We're both at fault- and like you, I am not interested to play the blame game and am hopeful to solve the problem with you. I thank you for giving me this chance to open up and have my say regarding this misunderstanding, which has been unresolved for long enough.
To this point I am undecided with what I am about to say...but here- Let's just discuss this out front. I feel uncertain but I am willing to set things right- way better than before, as best as I can. You know dear, we've grown so much, even at a distance. I guess the sad part is that, we have grown apart as well, and I hate it as much as you do. I don't want to be comfortable with the increasing distance. Sometimes I have to admit that in my pessimism I just want to give up and turn away, but I can't. I have given several alibis on why I am just moving away, and I am finally tired of doing so. Yes, lots of excuses could not fit the actual reason.
You know, you're not the best advisor I have- you're not really therapeutic when it comes to sorting through issues in general, but I have grown too fond of you to mind that and I love you so much that I don't want to be just another thing of the past and throw this mess out the window. You're very important to me, and I believe I can't find anyone else like you out there who can so foolishly love and care for me. Despite our play fights and genuine disagreements in life, I don't want to be a source of your pain, as I know I have been for the past months. I want to take down every wall of confusion between us and see each other as we ought to. I want to make you smile again and be a source of warmth for you once more.
If going back to being childlike is what it takes, then let's just lay down our doubts and unnecessary suppositions and fears by the road behind us...let's be kids again, and swear to truth in the name of our friendship. I know you're not one to believe in having a relationship with God, but I'm asking Him in all the sweetness of a daughter to bless us in this and give us a winning turnout this time around. Victory is on its way for those who ask it in His Name!
Again, however things go...I hope you know in your heart that you can say with all conceit that you are precious to me and I love you.
All the best,
Penny
Ps- I'd appreciate it if you don't laugh at the contents of this note when we meet again. Also, be thankful that I made it a point to put this note in a large rounded font, as I am very well aware that you are not one to love reading so much that a couple of paragraphs could knock you off to dreamland as easily as I end this note now. Hahahaha.
I have always feared that this time would come that you would finally turn to face me and tell me about the reality that we are facing now. I feel surprised and ashamed that between us, you, being the male, had more sensitivity, guts and will to initiate laying out this controversial observation and discussing it with me. I have always thought that I was more of the emotional manager among the two of us, but even then I lacked the guts to take the matter seriously and getting it out in the open. My weakness must have been finding the means and timing to do so; thus I failed where you succeeded in, and I thank you for bravely standing up for our relationship- even against me.
The issue seems too sensitive for me to take that we even perceive the need to put it in writing to get it straight across, and while normally we get to therapeutically laugh at each other's folly...this is just way out of bounds for us to obliterate with laughter. And the issue... I feel helpless in admitting that undeniably, we are at a crisis in our relationship- a slow, eventual trickle of disaster that soon flooded the streets of our lives- breaking communication lines, drawing cracks of doubt in the foundations which we had laid with care and slowly ruining a private haven which we built our beautiful home in. I guess we did not notice how such a small detail could give us a turnout this bad. And now, our relationship that was once a clear, flowing river is now a murky, slow stream that is bound to become a stagnant swamp if we don't manage it now.
I am sorry for being a contributing factor to all this mess which I somewhat encouraged. I am sorry for not trusting you enough. As I learned and found personal growth in many aspects of life, I discovered new things that I did not feel quite comfortable enough to share with you because of...differences. We've talked of that already- I know my errors in the year that passed- you know your doing as you confirmed in your letter. We're both at fault- and like you, I am not interested to play the blame game and am hopeful to solve the problem with you. I thank you for giving me this chance to open up and have my say regarding this misunderstanding, which has been unresolved for long enough.
To this point I am undecided with what I am about to say...but here- Let's just discuss this out front. I feel uncertain but I am willing to set things right- way better than before, as best as I can. You know dear, we've grown so much, even at a distance. I guess the sad part is that, we have grown apart as well, and I hate it as much as you do. I don't want to be comfortable with the increasing distance. Sometimes I have to admit that in my pessimism I just want to give up and turn away, but I can't. I have given several alibis on why I am just moving away, and I am finally tired of doing so. Yes, lots of excuses could not fit the actual reason.
You know, you're not the best advisor I have- you're not really therapeutic when it comes to sorting through issues in general, but I have grown too fond of you to mind that and I love you so much that I don't want to be just another thing of the past and throw this mess out the window. You're very important to me, and I believe I can't find anyone else like you out there who can so foolishly love and care for me. Despite our play fights and genuine disagreements in life, I don't want to be a source of your pain, as I know I have been for the past months. I want to take down every wall of confusion between us and see each other as we ought to. I want to make you smile again and be a source of warmth for you once more.
If going back to being childlike is what it takes, then let's just lay down our doubts and unnecessary suppositions and fears by the road behind us...let's be kids again, and swear to truth in the name of our friendship. I know you're not one to believe in having a relationship with God, but I'm asking Him in all the sweetness of a daughter to bless us in this and give us a winning turnout this time around. Victory is on its way for those who ask it in His Name!
Again, however things go...I hope you know in your heart that you can say with all conceit that you are precious to me and I love you.
All the best,
Penny
Ps- I'd appreciate it if you don't laugh at the contents of this note when we meet again. Also, be thankful that I made it a point to put this note in a large rounded font, as I am very well aware that you are not one to love reading so much that a couple of paragraphs could knock you off to dreamland as easily as I end this note now. Hahahaha.
Happy new year (Part 1)
Happy new year. I spent most of Dec. 31 in my father's place- we went off buying goods from the market at 3rd street in Caloocan (that's where most of the good stuff is), watching tv, being a couch potato... movies, movies and some biographies of famous people on the tube... was bored most of the afternoon, eating grapes, strawberries and soup (makut), c/o my biological father, hehehe. I had expected to sleep then but my aunt brought me my baby niece, Abi, whom I was tasked to put to sleep. Didn't trust myself to do well, but...okay...
First I kept putting her to bed, attempting to keep her comfy with a blanket and pillow (and hugs from meee), but she kept fidgeting and moving about. Not successful. So ang ginawa ko...
I put on a comedy show for infants and made her giggle and giggle for about five minutes straight. Nevermind that I felt silly as a grownup making those faces and those weird weird sounds in front of this tiny creature (for a while I DID rethink of what I was doing)... but well, a few minutes later I wore her out to snooze quietly... Didn't even see how it happened, I turned away and there she was, sleeping... Success. :) Didn't know I could pull that off...unconventional, but effective. Oh yeah!^^
I didn't leave her side all afternoon as she slept contentedly. I watched a lot more tv than I was usually accustomed to until she woke up. I tried to put her back to sleep... she did, for a while... but later I had to lift her against me. She contentedly dropped her head against my chest and snuggled like it was the most normal thing to do. I felt surprised, but that was pretty... wow.^^ Funny, but the experience of babysitting Abi made me realize a bit more how and why mothers can't and shouldn't ever leave their babies alone, not even a sec. I was compelled to do the same that afternoon to the point that I didn't even go on a bladder break until the night fell and her mother came to take over. (Hirap din tong pamangkin ko at may grabeng ubo at sipon, hmhmm...) Iba talaga mag-alaga ng bata: Full-time. Mahirap. Messy. Hahaha.
When night fell, my 5 brothers, ahia's wife Vicky, and my 2 nieces came by and the fun started. My father was drunk enough to drop asleep around dinner time, so he missed out on all the fun. We ate, watched tv, and unexpectedly, nag-camwhoring ang mga kuya. There were camera dares among the siblings...I was trigger happy, clicking away dihia's new pro-camera with lens. Also, my nieces were just too willing to pose with their girlish charms and smiles. Oh, and while waiting for midnight, we watched tv and feasted on the heavy dinner- nagluto ksi din si papa kaya may pagkain (pancit bihon, chicken, liempo, adobong tenga at dila ng baboy- which I didn't like, fried rice, sansrival, palabok, leche flan, grapes, strawberries, coke, iced tea, cordon bleu, inihaw na tilapia, nilagang buto-buto, beef and ampalaya in oyster sauce- na inubos ko yung beef kasi yung ampalaya, in my opinion, hindi maganda yung pagkababad, so didn't eat it). The pancit bihon was really special, as it was made with real pork broth kaya lasang lasa...
And then there's the part when the guys got crazy...ahia and sahia brought in some alcohol... was slightly surprised that sahia would be open to that, as I see him often as the strict responsible sib. Was more surprised with our baby brother, the youngest (he's actually 19 now but we call him our baby still, hehehe), who joined in and played drinking dare with dihia, my free-spirited half brother who enticed him to take shots of whisky, with softdrinks to chase (tsktsk...atsi's watching you, my dear, and yet...ok fine, it's at home anyway, so...). Anyway I took some tasty swigs myself just around midnight, with grapes and pork strips...yummy...
When the fireworks started, that's when I went out of the house to join the gang (my brothers) in watching the lights show... the sky was streaked with bright colors, and against the black canvas of the night sky, the colors looked fantastic... made me look on in awe, no less like a kid...or a pyromaniac, whatever you choose, hahaha. We lit up a few rockets, sparkler fountains, lusis (that were substandard in my opinion, as they didn't even last long...3/4 pa lang ng stick wala na), and those large balls wrapped in brown paper that I didn't really like as they just exploded loudly with a bang- noise, sokes, but no lights. Booo... My father woke up just in time to see the last of the fireworks...
Not bad. I felt glad that God made it possible for us to have a blissful new year celebration with members of my father's side, minus touching controversial topics which erupt into arguments and walkouts. While walking in the market that morning, I prayed to God for a peaceful celebration...thank you.
Next, we packed some leftovers, bid each other goodbye, and went off to home... The streets looked like alleys taken from Resident Evil. Hahaha. The smoke made the surrounding look all creepy... Cool.^^
But it wasn't quite the end of the fesitivites for us. Just as we stepped in the house, we hurriedly packed a few clothes and stuff and we went on a smoky road trip to Alabang to my grandma's (my ma's aunt's) house where we were scheduled to have our annual new year's reunion party.
About 5 hours of sleep later, the fun continued, intensified about five times better and more hilarious than the previous night...and I danced. That's part 2. Hahaha.
First I kept putting her to bed, attempting to keep her comfy with a blanket and pillow (and hugs from meee), but she kept fidgeting and moving about. Not successful. So ang ginawa ko...
I put on a comedy show for infants and made her giggle and giggle for about five minutes straight. Nevermind that I felt silly as a grownup making those faces and those weird weird sounds in front of this tiny creature (for a while I DID rethink of what I was doing)... but well, a few minutes later I wore her out to snooze quietly... Didn't even see how it happened, I turned away and there she was, sleeping... Success. :) Didn't know I could pull that off...unconventional, but effective. Oh yeah!^^
I didn't leave her side all afternoon as she slept contentedly. I watched a lot more tv than I was usually accustomed to until she woke up. I tried to put her back to sleep... she did, for a while... but later I had to lift her against me. She contentedly dropped her head against my chest and snuggled like it was the most normal thing to do. I felt surprised, but that was pretty... wow.^^ Funny, but the experience of babysitting Abi made me realize a bit more how and why mothers can't and shouldn't ever leave their babies alone, not even a sec. I was compelled to do the same that afternoon to the point that I didn't even go on a bladder break until the night fell and her mother came to take over. (Hirap din tong pamangkin ko at may grabeng ubo at sipon, hmhmm...) Iba talaga mag-alaga ng bata: Full-time. Mahirap. Messy. Hahaha.
When night fell, my 5 brothers, ahia's wife Vicky, and my 2 nieces came by and the fun started. My father was drunk enough to drop asleep around dinner time, so he missed out on all the fun. We ate, watched tv, and unexpectedly, nag-camwhoring ang mga kuya. There were camera dares among the siblings...I was trigger happy, clicking away dihia's new pro-camera with lens. Also, my nieces were just too willing to pose with their girlish charms and smiles. Oh, and while waiting for midnight, we watched tv and feasted on the heavy dinner- nagluto ksi din si papa kaya may pagkain (pancit bihon, chicken, liempo, adobong tenga at dila ng baboy- which I didn't like, fried rice, sansrival, palabok, leche flan, grapes, strawberries, coke, iced tea, cordon bleu, inihaw na tilapia, nilagang buto-buto, beef and ampalaya in oyster sauce- na inubos ko yung beef kasi yung ampalaya, in my opinion, hindi maganda yung pagkababad, so didn't eat it). The pancit bihon was really special, as it was made with real pork broth kaya lasang lasa...
And then there's the part when the guys got crazy...ahia and sahia brought in some alcohol... was slightly surprised that sahia would be open to that, as I see him often as the strict responsible sib. Was more surprised with our baby brother, the youngest (he's actually 19 now but we call him our baby still, hehehe), who joined in and played drinking dare with dihia, my free-spirited half brother who enticed him to take shots of whisky, with softdrinks to chase (tsktsk...atsi's watching you, my dear, and yet...ok fine, it's at home anyway, so...). Anyway I took some tasty swigs myself just around midnight, with grapes and pork strips...yummy...
When the fireworks started, that's when I went out of the house to join the gang (my brothers) in watching the lights show... the sky was streaked with bright colors, and against the black canvas of the night sky, the colors looked fantastic... made me look on in awe, no less like a kid...or a pyromaniac, whatever you choose, hahaha. We lit up a few rockets, sparkler fountains, lusis (that were substandard in my opinion, as they didn't even last long...3/4 pa lang ng stick wala na), and those large balls wrapped in brown paper that I didn't really like as they just exploded loudly with a bang- noise, sokes, but no lights. Booo... My father woke up just in time to see the last of the fireworks...
Not bad. I felt glad that God made it possible for us to have a blissful new year celebration with members of my father's side, minus touching controversial topics which erupt into arguments and walkouts. While walking in the market that morning, I prayed to God for a peaceful celebration...thank you.
Next, we packed some leftovers, bid each other goodbye, and went off to home... The streets looked like alleys taken from Resident Evil. Hahaha. The smoke made the surrounding look all creepy... Cool.^^
But it wasn't quite the end of the fesitivites for us. Just as we stepped in the house, we hurriedly packed a few clothes and stuff and we went on a smoky road trip to Alabang to my grandma's (my ma's aunt's) house where we were scheduled to have our annual new year's reunion party.
About 5 hours of sleep later, the fun continued, intensified about five times better and more hilarious than the previous night...and I danced. That's part 2. Hahaha.
Lashing Out Against The Wannabe
The Words Unsaid
I woke up again and again at around four to five this morning from dreams tinted with gray...disappointments of not so long ago. I wish I'm saying this as a metaphor, but it's more than that. When I dream, it's always full of color, but at this rare instance...it's all shaded gray.
I dreamt that I was back in my old school where I had spent four years of my college life. It should not have been so much to think of, except that I kept seeing that person I've been trying to put aside in my thoughts and in my life. It hurt to see him happy and daring me to say something. It seemed so real then...I felt sad as I pretended not to care, walking away from him. But it tore me apart to think how he could be so comfortable with hurting me...breaking me... I gave him no less than the best that I've got, and yet...
When I woke up at around 530 in the morning, mixed thoughts churned through my system...my every nerve initially wanted to scream ENOUGH! and push the black-handled kitchen knife deep into my chambers and up over my carotid arteries to conclude it all. The emotions were raw enough then to drive me that mad... But then as I took the time to breathe and calm myself down in the silence of my room at the break of dawn...I found my senses. I decided to get my Bible and journal, propped these heavy things on my 17 year-old mattress like my weighing heart and got down to writing. In my loose thoughts (and screws), I began to write with my more friendly .3 G-tech...
"Unwell-
Lord, I woke up from a dream of him again. When does it stop? I feel tortured...mentally and emotionally drained with these momentary glimpses of my past that so degrades and hurts me all the more. I know it's all the consequence of disobedience...I am praying for your wisdom and mercy that may get through this alive. There are still times that I want to end this in a shortcut. But I know that's another idea that's apart from your will. So I won't. God, give me strength to withstand the odds. You're mighty and I'm in need of that might. Nahihirapan pa rin ako. I want to forget...but how? I want to trust you to resolve everything..."
After some more intimate and intense God-talks, I paused to read:
(Extracted from Proverbs 1):
(1:7) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
(1:19) Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it.
This made me really sad-
(1:23-28) If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock you when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.
Naisip ko lang...maybe 2 factors which contributed to the generation of this dream is that I haven't been keeping my guard up and nourishing myself with the Word. Kulang ang supply, kaya dapat dagdagan. Also, I was disappointed over someone whom I was counting on to reply through text, but then didn't come through...made me feel that perhaps they're all the same and that he's no different. Or maybe he didn't receive my text, was too busy in wooing his woman, or maybe work, or watching that movie...I don't know...*shrug*
Before I knew it, I fell asleep again, just as the sky was turning to a cool shade of blue...
11/29/09
If letting go of my hold
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:
Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,
...
Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...
Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...
Lose me.
Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...
Everything you want...
...yes, you are free.
is your one heart's means
To embrace true happiness
beyond what is,
Then who am I
to deny you the chance?
All the choice is yours-
as my love is- in this dance:
Kindled by a wish to still hold fast,
Empowered by the will to part at last,
...
Still I know I'll let go in the final song
Then in my dreams and tomorrow, you'll be gone, so long...
Run free, my heart, my love, my soul.
Unfurl your being that yearns to be whole,
Endear your reality to the fullness of your bidding,
Lose yourself in aspiration...and if you must...
Lose me.
Over mirthful times and glorious heights,
Veil the love that's meant to let you be...
Everything you want...
...yes, you are free.
Lord, we need to talk...
(11.30.09)
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.
Lord, I just need to talk with you. See, I have this problem I can't seem to get out of my head. It seems like I'm handling it solo again as before...but I don't want that, knowing I'm really nothing without you. So what do I do? You know more than anyone how my heart's been badly broken this month...and though in reality it's just a month, to me it's like a decade of suffering. I know about bearing the consequences of following my own folly and just getting up past the torture...but you know how this feels like more than I can bear, and I don't know why...even after having said, "I'm over it!" like twice or thrice I think...I never really do. I need you Lord to reveal to me...am I faking it? Do I not draw strength from you? I want to, my only chance to recover is you...I know you have every right to punish me for all that I've done...but even as a God of just anger, you are, as much, a God of mercy and forgiveness. Lord, I have asked for your forgiveness on this matter...I am asking for you forgiveness again if I have hidden faults I have not surrendered. I am sorry Lord...I want to stop hurting day by day...am I pushing you away in the process? Maybe to harden myself...I don't know. So let me know.
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