There's a 5'4'' nursing student who realized she wanted a Littman stethoscope. She saw the product on display one afternoon, hohuuummmmm..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................
Dissatisfaction fills me like a radioisotope...
...and somehow lights me up for me to see what's missing.
I hate it that I'm wasting time with matters less important than my purpose of life which is to please God and not all darned people.
Wala, maybe I'm just on the verge of a burnout. Or maybe I AM burnt out with all the issues of work and career...even the issue of trust and friendship. I don't know.
Anyway, just today I got my day off- of course, it's supposed to be a day of rest for me, it's Sunday and I get to fix the kitchen, spend time with my brothers, sleep lots, watch a dose of House, stat...but there is no full satisfaction there after all that. I am primarily affected by spiritual starvation, and my internal clock won't stop screaming for me to talk to God and set things straight.
I laugh. I smile. I even dance. But I'm not happy, not without a highly maintained relationship with the Lord.
~~~IF YOU 'RE NOT OPEN-MINDED ABOUT SPIRITUAL STUFF, MIGHT AS WELL GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU TELL ME LIKEWISE~~~THANKS.
To the rest of you who claim you're open-minded...
I recall how just two days ago I was sitting inside the UST church for the mass for St. Thomas Aquinas. Just as I was whispering to Ahia Jo how I resented being there and my desire to go home, the announcer prompted everyone to kneel. They began to chant the rosary prayer, the sorrowful mysteries in particular.
As I was made to kneel, I saw how it all became a cultist fest as they chanted over and over the prayers, which really creeped me out. Having enough of it, I sat down instead and watched them before these lifeless images on display. It's been a long time since I've had this experience, being surrounded by people saying things over and over again as if they were...hypnotized.
And I wonder...do they not think that God feels jealous with all the attention they are giving to Mary and all the other saints like Thomas Aquinas, in this case? I've been in a Catholic school for 16 years, enough for me to have spent a great deal of time consciously and subconsciously mastering prayers and rituals, even attending morning masses and praying before and after each class. And I've wondered in my young mind before why God doesn't get all the 'attention' or even enough of it from the Catholics (which he should!). If it's not St. Jude, it's Mary. If it's not St. Arnold, it's St. Joseph they pray to. And so on.
Anyway, while I was sitting back in the church with the rest of the community, an idea hit me. Last time I checked, 'prayer' is...a communication between God and man, open 24/7, free of charge.
If so, then why 'pray' to anyone else?
We can only get as much as nothing with saving too much clutter in the back yard. Taking unnecessary stuff out of the lot gives us good space- freedom to dedicate ourselves to serving the Lord whom we can praise, worship...talk to and know more through the means of prayer, which he himself made possible through salvation in Christ.
I say we rethink the nature of our spiritual-enhancing habits and focus on what really matters, which is our own relationship with God. This is not an anti-Christ movement, or even anti-Catholic (99% of my friends are Catholic). This isn't even about religion- I don't have one. I am just saying (even to myself) that as Christians we should strive to live up to the term 'Christian' and turn our hopes to Christ, and Christ alone.
Now having said this I have to bother myself more than ever and fix my silent treatment with God. *silent scream* Yes, he doesn't need me for anything. But I need him for everything.
I skipped a mass, will attend tiong lian!!!!:P
Today I just got out of church prior to mass. I just don't think that it is fair for my institution to force me into joining the mass and forcing me to chant hail mary 70 times. My being there against my will is insult enough, so I left early as the rest of the community went ahead to celebrate mass.
Anyway, after a long time, I'm back here with an entry. I just thought that it'd be nice to write about my Friday- today. :) I've been looking forward to this day, coz it's my last day of the week with a class to attend to. Also, I got to meet Sir Elmer for my first subject of the day, Literature. I so love it when he speaks and acts in front of us. I also got to spend time with my friend Yani, whom I so love. I call her my unica hija- through immaculate conception, wahahaha. I also had my time with Jonathan and Ian during the lazy afternoon stroll, which was supposed to be a parade for St. Thomas Aquinas.
Now I am here in my cuz Mark's and Alfred's new shop near UST, typing my whatevers with my two index fingers while waiting for my order of spaghetti, which my cuz Mark prepared personally for me. I jokingly told him I'd get an insurance first before eating it, just in case something happens to me after the meal. Hahahaha.
After eating, I plan to go according to plan and watch SJCS team play in UNO- sa liga, Tiong Lian. My brother Ken has been playing actively since game 1. I'm really excited for him. Right now the score's 1 lost game and 2 wins. Who knows, this might be the first championship of SJCS...it's not bad to dream of it, hehehe. My bro really improved, and he now gets to play as one of the first five...scoring points, daring to make some moves to shoot.
Color coding, so sasamahan na lang ako ni Alfred to watch the game. He's very sweet to agree to take me there. Kasi kung hindi dahil sa kanya di ako makakanood. I'd be stuck here instead.
But here I am waiting. Today's the day I've been looking forward to- to watch my brother play basketball again (it's been a recent hype for me^^)...spend time with my bros after another long week of studying and attending to patients.
Lots to tell, overwhelmed with the feeling of missing blogging...but so little time for me to cram it all in here. Maybe when I get to have a free day again, I might just write more.
Anyway, I'm going. Can't wait to watch the game!!! :)
May sakit si kuya (at ako ang nars niya)
For the rare instance, may sakit ang kuya ko. He's got pharyngitis (strep throat) and an unlicensed nurse to take care of him- that's me! Hmm. Siyempre as usual parang distant ako kung kausapin siya (it's a shobe thing), but of course, I do make myself ever ready for anything he needs. By experience I know he's not tolerant of emo shows, so I make sure I don't make it obvious that I'm concerned.
Tsk...mahirap lang talaga kapag si sahia ang may sakit. Siyempre, una he has to miss his classes so he can rest. Papaano kaya yung exams niya? And for a guy who's used to a fast-paced life I'm sure hindi niya trip maglagi sa bahay nang mag-isa. Sa totoo lang kung puwede nga lang akong magstay sa bahay para may babantay sa kanya round-the-clock, why not...but then again I just have to go about my work tomorrow and let mama take care of things.
I'm worried though...kasi even before he became symptomatic, I already had a scratchy throat and a headache for 2 days. Hindi kaya ako ang nag-spread ng bacteria?? Dito pa man din sa min hindi uso ang 'get your own glass' policy. Nako, huwag naman sana...(but yeah, my throat feels scratchy)
And just for the fun of it, I made a raw mental listing...well, now it's a written list-
Some Nx problems:
- Risk for fluid volume deficit
- Fever
- Pain
- Altered nutrition: less than body requirements
- Anxiety
Tx plan:
- Increase oral fluid intake
- Offer small frequent meals (soft diet)
- Let him have any food or drink he wants unless contraindicated
- Assist in walking as necessary
- Give meds (Zinacef, paracetamol q4) as ordered by the Px
- Let him use my new uber comfy pillow (yung niregalo niya sa kin)
- Provide health teachings in layman's terms
- Inform him of the potential adverse effects to watch out for in taking Zinacef and require him to take meals before taking it!!!
- Avoid wearing thick clothes and using more than one blanket
- Provide adequate room ventilation
Kaya nga bawal magkasakit eh. I'm just not used to my bro getting sick...sigh. I'm praying that his pain be relieved quickly.
"Elmer"
To Elmer, Harry Potter-
Your power of a character
Seems shallow as your humor
Yet so deep as the reach of your hand
With a pen gripped over
An empty face of a paper.
I know I'm being silly. Hahaha. But I mean every word of it anyway, so what the heck...
Snatched!
Lesson learned, and with a lot of shaking on my part.
Nakuha yung new white cell ko, yung i Phone na binigay sa akin ng tatay ko (na China lang naman, bleh). *shrug*
Grr tlg. Sa lahat ba naman ng lugar na makukuhanan, sa National Bookstore pa sa San Lazaro (sabi nga ng guard sa kin talamak daw dun). I was there because my ma told me to go there.
It wasn't even a case of disobedience. I say it was a case of carelessness. And pride, since just before I went on my trip to SM, kausap ko pa ang dalawang ahia ko, si Jonathan at si Ian-
Me: Sige, aalis na nga ako. Punta ako ng SM.
Jo: Kailangan mo ng kasama?
Me: (...) Umm...no. (Female pride? Sorry, I can't help it- trying to change it.^^)
Jo: Hindi, gusto mo ba ng kasama?
Me: (...) Sa totoo lang nasasad ako sa result ng MS exams natin, so I might just go alone and reflect on it. (I decided to be transparent, since I know I can trust them to see me that way.)
And so for the rare time of saying no and going solo on a Thursday pm, I went off to SM by a Tayuman jeep. And that's where it all happened.
Si sahia ko nung una gustong magalit sa katangahan ko, pero later grabe, hindi man therapeutic ang approach niya he comforted me behind all his pride. Si mama nagulat ako kasi hindi ako sinermonan agad (next day pa nung marahil feel niya nahimasmasan na ko). Tatay ko sabi wag ko na daw isipin. Ayun. Weird, but rather comforting- it was a blessing na may support group ako.
Here's a dreadful thought- nadagdagan na naman ng bala si mama sa argument na kung bakit hindi pa dapat binibigyan ng ganoong karapatan si shobe (me). Tsk. It might take a longer while before she declares my independence...
Now, I have to find me another sun SIM card. Siguro sa tabi-tabi na lang sa Dapitan or when I get the chance to go around (para mas maraming choices sa number, kasi sa Dapitan konti lang eh).
Somehow I feel sad about it pa rin.
Yeah, it's just a cell...thank God nothing happened to me other than that...thank God I haven't given a name to that cell...thank God hindi nanakaw si Bluie (yung K500i phone ko, yung luma)...but then something else...
Nagkatinginan kasi kami nung mama na feel ko with my instincts na kumuha ng phone. The day after I kept on replaying the scene in my mind, na what if I brought a kitchen knife and went back to SM and used Bluie for bait? Then pag kukunin na niya, I'll demand my white cell back, and then if not, I'll...
But no. Vengeance isn't gonna make it all better. As with everything that's happening, this cell snatching isn't a coincidence. And as Jo and my aunt said- it's a life lesson to be learned.
*muffled laugh*
Sana alam niyang gamitin yun. Kahit ako I have yet to learn all the functions of that phone, hahaha.
Keep away from snatchers people! And God keep us safe...
The Penis as a License to Avoid House Chores
Yes, you read right.
*blows a psycholocial red whistle* Now, for those of you who can't take fowl language (I meant that glitch), feminism, full-blown Your-Peachness ranting and the like (you got that right), better stay by these gates and click the back button for your mental well-being (which I strongly suggest you maintain).
Ah, still here...I figured only a few would be so sensible as to follow my suggestion (duh, where's sanity these days anyway?).
But it's your call. We all have choices. Hmph. Let's see where this goes...I haven't done this in a long long while. But I'm breaking my silence.
This is what I call the exposure of The Dirty Peach. (It can mean two ways.)
I'm ranting. Real bad. And this can get as ugly as it can. (Coming from me, believe me that's something.)
This has been a long-standing argument between two sides of my brain (yeah, I still got it, though I occasionally lose it!). I just don't get it with the traditional and local household in general (I have to add this, as a safety net in case someone comes firing at me later). What is it with guys not doing chores and girls having to do them all the time?! (Now, I'm speaking by experience and I warned you that this is gonna get bad!) What is it with guys not needing to learn how to do the laundry, sweep the floor, wash dishes, cook, mop...when the girls need to learn how to do them all right?! What is it with me always taking the responsibility to see that all's well and tidy in the house just because it's me who's held liable for any unwashed plate or any missed poop of Lebron (yes, I'm the cleanup girl who makes sure there's none lying on the floor)? What's there with guys that house rulers find it ok to overlook any chore they don't do (that means all!!!) and take it all out on me when I miss a few?
Ah, yeah...somehow I've thought that maybe it's in the birth order.. But there's four of us. And sometime I thought that maybe it's in the favoritism order. Well yeah, I know I'm not the most likeable kid in this whole wide world, much less this family, but again, there's four of us and I am singled out. Why am I singled out? Hmmm...and the question comes...
What do they have that I don't have?
Ah, yes...the unfortunate woe of Peach returns (teachnically it was never away...kinda trying to push the idea back in my head but it surfaces when this kind of dilemma comes to me). I know it's something I have to accept but there are times I just can't help but this of the million what ifs.
What if by nature I had a penis?
Yeah, laugh laugh...like my good friend Jonreph always does when I rant on my silly childhood wish of wanting to become a guy (yes, you read it right!). Gusto kong maging lalaki. Yeah, even I find it funny, but not the underlying reason that follows it. I just think that maybe if I become a guy I'd do better in most things. I'd be physically stronger (whatever with the 'weaker sex'), I won't need to be told to fix my hair (yeah, it's sticking out in all directions, so what), sit properly (grr), dress to impress (I don't even sweat to impress, baby) or act prim (I am NOT!). If I were born with MALE typed in on my birth certificate, I won't be prevented from learning how to drive (yes, they said I can't coz I'm a girl), get my license (it follows), go commuting as necessary (I'm 20 and I'm still banned, come on), go out with my friends at night or several times in a month (it's always limited to once in a blue moon- my friends will testify!), be linked to my guy friends (this is when troubles come), and of course- perhaps I wouldn't be told off as much when I say no to sweeping the floor, washing dishes, doing the laundry...those...spiteful chores! Arrrgghhh!!!
Yes, this is me talking. Sometimes, with all the male dominance overwhelming me, I wish I had a penis- the proof of manhood. With these discriminations, I see it as a license I can just flash on anyone (if I had it) and I get my better way of things (not being an exhibitionist, haha, no- but that's how I see it with my case). Kung pwede lang sana, eh di hindi na ko nasasabihan ng, 'kasi babae ka,' everytime I'd ask why I'm not entitled to certain rights related to those I've mentioned. That way I would perhaps enjoy more freedom and get the most out of my gender. Grrr male dominance! Grrr women who allow this to prevail! Grrr those males who can't do chores right and depend on women to do it all for them! Grrr those housewives who marry to be lifetime slaves to men who make such a scheme to maintain lifelong house help!
Aaaaaaarrgghhh!!! Screw you all bastards! I can do better than most of you! Even if I'm one organ short of it!
They say life's a bitch. I say it can be a bastard to me.
And don't ever tell me I didn't warn you (I DID!). XO
*OK, stop. Now, this is all a crammed knapsack of emotions I've earned just a few hours ago while washing all the dishes in the sink. Thankfully this isn't as bad as kanina if I had actually written my ranting as is.*
Believe me, I'm no feminist. I used to be one, but since I found out the proper arragement of things, I quit. I'm just feeling bad about being treated as the minor sex. Frankly, women are the weaker sex- but only physically, in general. Even before I ranted away I already knew the answers to my questions. I already know that it just isn't right to live with discontentment such as me, wanting to be a guy somehow because I think I'd do better with it.
Kasi may purpose si God bakit ako female. I can go on and on about my bizzarre ideas on 'I should be a guy' or 'the world would be better with...', but bottom line is, God is in control of everything no matter what. I should know- and accept the fact that I cannot change these natural instances which has long been planned for me. He's supposed to be Boss of my life, our lives, and any decision should go with His blueprint so that it'd go right.
By doing this rant, I know I'm kicking down a cadaver. I'm forever ranting to God how much I'd be better off being like my bros- becoming one of the boys. But does it ever change who I am? Well, no. But yeah, I am worse when I feel angry and refuse the believe in the reality that all these limitations, restrictions which I have as an influence of my current gender (yes, reality check)...it's all got purpose. There must be something behind it all that God is allowing them to go kahit unfair pa.
Somehow I got a nagging feeling that he just lets it be so that I'd grow in obedience and absolute trust in Him (I fight to do so). I still find it difficult to accept things I don't understand (like why I do chores, why I'm into nursing, why my father's one-armed, why I'm not flat-chested- yeah, I sometimes find myself wishing that!)...yes, perhaps...I'm in the process of learning that there are things I can never completely understand.
Well, isn't that the real essence of faith? 'Believing without seeing...' such is the meaning of faith. Kasi nga naman, kung ang lahat ng tanong may sagot...kung posibleng maunawaan ng tao ang lahat ng bagay dito sa mundo...then what's the point of having faith in the all-knowing God we know we can trust to eternity?
So fine...I'll accept growing up. After all, I'm such a bad ranter that God can simply dispel it all with, "Relax. Last time I checked, I'm still in control."
Hahahaha. Learn from my mistakes- my growing through life. Good pm.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)