A song in the night

Nobody said that letting go was easy,
But that's the road we have to take sometimes.
In the name of a love that longs to be free,
We stand firm, with heartbeats that rhyme...
With what is right, in spite of the pain
With what is true, with all and more to gain

I'll stand the sleepless nights,
'll cry the tears that come,
And l'll see this with a light,
Knowing where it is from.

I'll fight the bouts of blue
There's nothing I won't do.
I'll take this hurting without you,
If it leads me back to you.

I brought this upon myself.

It tears me to think that I need to loosen my hold on you guys a little.

Sometimes I feel that I should just know my limits when it comes to deciding who to see and who to be with. Now that I've thought of that, I see the downsides of having great friends whom I want to know more about but can't seem to spend enough time with them to do that.

Yeah, I'm talking about my friends (and not acquaintances anymore) from engineering...si Kathy, Paul, Kim, Ken, Jirelle, Kency, Gerald at Aldrin. I know it's just not me to entertain friends who spend their lives far apart from me. I belong to nursing. They belong to the same place. What makes me think I'll ever find a way to keep them close to me? Ewan. I hope it's not this complicated, but it is, apparently.

Since I've met them all, they've made me happy in the way they shared their colorful lives with me...their thoughts, their stories, laughtrips, opinions...and before I sensed it coming, I was anticipating the chances that I could talk with them for a bit. It's as if I've established a connection with them in such a short time. And it touches me a lot to think that they welcomed me despite the fact that I was really different from them. Weird, pero parang sila yung high school berks ko nung nasa sj ako...they warmly welcomed me in.

But it's not that they're the only ones who make me happy and feel that I belong. No. Believe me, I do love my other friends enough sa nursing and sa sj...I love them all. But then I feel that I can also have something special with tropang chong, and yet I know I cannot enhance that possibility any more than the short moments I have with them because I'm just restricted to do so. Major factors include my college course, my mother, my brother, and the time contraints.

My mother does not want me to be friends with them. And since she knows my whereabouts, well...it's a tough thing to hide from her...na napamahal na nga ako sa mga batang ito. I always want to help them out and be present when they laugh, or when they cry...and sometimes I just want to hit some of them for fun, hehehe. Kaso kasalanan ko na rin naman na ganun na lang ang doubts niya sa kanila...kasi hindi same ground. Basta feel ko ako may kasalanan, kasi I insisted to be with them, kahit alam ko yung risks.

Naguguluhan ako kasi I want to be close to them, yet now I realize that maybe I should just wait for the right time when everything will fall in the right place and perhaps then I can be closer to them.

I pray that the time will come when I will be allowed to see them...without being told that I can't, that I shouldn't...whatever. And now as much as I want to spend time with them, I'm torn between my mother's authority and my will to fight for these friends of mine. Kaya now, I feel that I should just trust God and hope that things get better.

Parang papel yan. If I open my hand, it's gonna fly off and someone else is gonna find it. If I grip it too hard, it's gonna get crumpled.

So the best thing to do, alalay lang sa hawak.^^

I wish I had more time...and yet...

And yet...I feel the bitter necessity to allow some things to slip from my hands for now like flowing water.

How I wish I did not have to let go of the wonderful things I had in my life...

But my heart's a bag that cannot be overfilled...too much is never good. Man has his limitations, I believe...

...

I wish I could take away the feeling of jealousy that so claims me in the smallest hints of rejection...

Even though sometimes I know the feeling is pointless, it's such a struggle for me to remain in control of rationality.

But I guess that's the thing with jealousy...contrary to popular belief, it's never a good thing according to the Good Book. Which is why I have to check it once in a while.

For love is not selfish. It is patient.

...

I wish I could stop stumbling along the road of life.

I could save myself from heartbreaks and emotional pains. I could be more productive and focused for most of my life then...

I don't want to get hurt. Who wants to get hurt anyway? Well...

I just have to learn to love God more in the pitfalls...and grow, grow...be more than I can be for him.

....

I wish I can be more of a female as I am expected to be.

But I'm not and I know it. It'd be a lie to force myself to always look prim and proper.

But what the heck...it's nice to be a unique combination of spice...it adds to the fun factor of life...

Anni is anni. Or is she, really? Hmmm...

Five matters

Sleep is taking over me as I type this, but then the urge to write wins over for the meantime...who knows until when... Anyway, I'm hacking the keys at random, speaking with my heart out on my sleeve. I can say I missed writing.
So! How's life...
Recently, here are a few updates:
1. CABG (coronary artery bypass grafting)- My grandfather's going to have a bypass tomorrow at three pm. I really wanted to watch, but of course duty calls in school so I have to sadly pass. But I did have this fun conversation with him yesterday...
Me: Gwakong, payag ka picture kita pg inooperahan ka? *eager wide smile on face*
Gwakong: Siyempre ayaw ko.
Me: *pleads* please please? :) Para makita ko kung saan yung bara...tpos souvenir pa un. Sige na...
Gwakong: *weirded out* ay nko, ayoko...papakita mo pa sa kin.
Me: Eh di hindi ko papakita...sige naaaa.
Eh ayaw tlg. Badtrip, hahahaha. Takot takot kasi ito sa ghastly medical stuff like blood...so ayun. Anyway, fine fine...patient's rights, come on...
2. Cooking- I was not at all happy a while ago when my brother interfered with my first try to cook arroz caldo on my own. I got irritated when he just came in, opened the pot and put in all the seasonings....aaaarrggghh!!! Grabe pkialmero. Naasar tlg ako. It's him making me feel that I can't do anything right ever. Naasar tlg ako. Hmph. I just hate it when he steps on my toes. Sabi niya di daw ksi ako nakikinig. Eh di sana sabihin na lang niya, kaysa nman pupunta n lng ng gnun at mkikialam. Asar kaya. Sabi ko na lang, pati naman siya nagsimula sa wala. Kaya nga I'm trying to learn, di ba. Man...
3. Bonding with shane- I felt really happy na nagkausap kami kahapon ni shane. While visiting my grandfather in Philippine Heart Center, we stole away at one point far from the adults' earshot, bought junk food and coke, and sat on the plush cushions in the lobby to share some recent life stories, hehehe. Our mothers, though slightly worried at our sudden disapperance, seemed amused with the ' walang katapusang chismisan,' which was good. Para namang sila hindi dumaan sa ganyan. Nako ha, at least di naman kami nagsusulatan right after seeing each other, hahahahaha!:P Di ba, mama? ;P
4. No more coke campaign- I want to cut down on my coke-drinking habit. Nasty sugar rush...it can give me diabetes in time if I don't stop...so I want to do that. Self-control...mahirap ata to...hahahaha.
5. Protocol- I and my groupmates are about to have our big case presentation, and it's not easy! So that means, lots of work and patience. Also, may review classes on the side once a week from 8-5...so hirap tlg nun...eh may kasabay pang mga night shifts from 8pm to 6am. Hehehehe. Man, this is going to be a tough week.^^
Ayun na lang muna, my eyes are closing...my head is giving in...I need to sleep na nga...

My 400th entry...waw.

My 400th blogger entry. I believe it's a promise of better things to come...more possibilities...more doors to open...*shrug*

I am inspired to dream...to grow...with this entry. Grabe naman ang entries...hahahaha. Although some of them are merely results of personality tests...madami pa rin yung puro entries sa buhay ko. I hope to add more to them...I feel happy about this...it's a personal accomplishment.

Anyway...

Fleeting- that's the word to sum up what my day is so far today...

This morning I woke up at about six thirty-five in the morning. I was too groggy to get up and do work. Hmm, given that I had slept at around two thirty in the wee hours of the morn, well...that's the consequence.

This week's supposed to be our college week here in UST, nursing week...but that's just a lot of bull for us senior students who have a lot of work to do and have no time to slack off for some fun stress-free activity. Man, we are taking this week to edit thesis...and that means also sitting with our statistician, who is very much willing to do a conference with our results...just for repeat checkups to make sure everything's correct.^^

Yeah, and I know this stuff I'm talking about has to be soo boring for you guys...I should know. I can almost hear people saying, "The heck was that all about?!" To which I can only laugh and say, "Business."

But I'm really happy about what's happening...not as exciting as it was with last week's thesis defense (which by the way, we emerged from with battle scars of courage and happy faces, despite our apprehensions with the panelists who are all hardcore OCs when it comes to research papers). But we emerged victorious for the Lord, and that's the point. Now's just the mellow phase...all we need to do is submit our final draft...fix the comic book tool for sex education (which by the way is the topic of our research)...and get on with graduation and all that...hahahaha.

Although I still have ambivalent feelings towards the idea of being a postgrad bum (which btw I know I'm fast approaching at)...I'd really like a lot of rest and lots of travel time...I miss the beach, which is surely my favorite haven...

I also want to write more often after graduation. Fine, I know it's just not nursing, but it's what I want...my first love always will remain and prevail through the years.

And what a fun morning...I got late for my political science class this afternoon at one pm, but I did not mind, since my brother and I talked and ate together prior to that...he cooked fish and eggs for us...and such things don't happen all the time, so what the heck- I can take the lateness. Hehehehe. And yeah, nakalusot ako sa attendance kahit 40 minutes late ako, whoo hoo...thank God.

In the midst of all the drama and excitement in my recent days, I miss that one person whom I truly love- si Jrep. Si bestfriend, nag-eemoters nung isang gabi...ayun, kahit di ko siya masyado nattext, he messaged me to tell me how he missed me and all that mush mush...hahahaha. I wonder if he has any idea how I AM blessed to have him in my life for eight freaking years of self-depreciation and betrayal, wahahahaha...well, I just have to tell him in the best way I can think of- find a way to spend time with him! Aaaaaaa.

Just a while ago before I came here, I had engaged in a fun conversation with my classroom shoti, si Lorenz...just caught up on the recent stuffs...on our faith, studies, recent engagements...I thank God he's my classmate. He surely inspires me to do things right for the Lord...and to keep working for the Lord to grow in his love.

Anyway, I feel that I have to hold this entry for now...end muna, then next entry to follow with more stories on what's happening to me. Hehehehe.

Right now I'm simply answering to the writing bug...I felt the need to write something after just checking my online grades from last semester. I have things to manage after I publish this. There's so much more to tell. I hope to write them all down and make them part of my personal compilation...which perhaps I can read later on and laugh about, hehehehe.

Later...^^

lashing out

I feel so darned sad. I feel that I am always rejected and just way off my league. I know the answers to these thoughts. But then they just won't go...I wish I could recover from this faster this time...

So venting's the way. Hehehe. Darn insecurities, anni.

Assessment: So what's wrong?

Simple answer: me

Complex answer:

Well, I dunno...really. I hate turning this blog into my mushfest, but then after a long time...here goes...ayun, sobrang mahal ko si kitot. And he loves me...he makes me feel at ease when I'm with him. As his friend, he cares for me. As a girl, he makes me feel that I don't have to try being anyone else other than me.

Kaso, kahapon...ayun, parang hindi ko alam kung ako lang yun, pero parang iba yung ease and happiness na nakita ko sa kanya when he spoke with a certain girl na friend na ka-course at kaberks pa niya na sabi niya friend lang naman niya, which I believe, since friend ko rin naman si girl and of course, sabi ni kitot. Kaso nadisturb ako kasi...parang ganun ang gusto kong makuha kay kitot...I fervently so so wanna elicit that response from him...dunno if it's just my hypersensitivity with what my senses picked up or I'm just full of jealous nerves...but he sure looked and sounded happy last night when they were chatting right there in front of me. Well, dati ko pa naman wish yan, na maging parte tlg ako ng mundo ng love ko, yung alam ko at makakausap ko siya sa mga bagay na nakaka-interest at nakakabenefit sa kanya...a big part of which is his work in school, sa college niya. I don't wanna be just a pleasurable distraction for him kasi useless un eh. Napaisip tuloy ako. Ako pagulo lang naman ako eh...ano bang naibibigay ko sa kanyang useful? Lots of trouble, ayun tlg. Hahaha. Lots of trouble and unwanted feelings. Parang ung sinabi lang niya sa blog niya na napag-usapan namin. I don't want to be a burden. But I love him so much. I want to always keep him happy and interested. I want him to feel at ease and be able to talk much when I am with him.

So what now? Well ayun, eh di lumabas na naman ang insecurities. Si Peach. I suddenly made an internal comparison with me and the available reference point...ung girl friend ni kitot. Onga naman. She's such a strong girl with guts. Ako insecure...nagtatapang-tapangan lang, nothing fresh. She's more interesting and fun than plain old me who just feels she's somehow competent with holding a pen and benefits intelletctually from other people's miseries (namely my patients). She's Chinese-pretty with conventional good looks...well, no comment na lang sa kin at hindi nga ako mukhang chinita, npagtatawanan pa ngang bakla pag nagbibihis at nag-aattempt magmukhang tao. She's a total girl...I'm struggling to convince myself that I am one. Hahahaha. She's younger...I'm just feeling it (come on face it, I'm nearly past my acceptable age of youth). Above all, she benefits and interests the guy with lots of stuff about work and all that- and I don't think I've done any good for what matters a lot for him, which is his school work, his career. I'm thinking of something I've given to make him fulfilled, but I can't think of any...masyadong malayo sa engg si nurse Teng. Asa naman akong makaka-engaage ako with him in such conversation for a long time, di ba...nursing, engg...sabi nila cliche, pero I don't buy that as truth.

So what now? Laban ko naman ito eh. I'm just jealous. Or whatever. Or maybe I'm just not enough for him when it comes to giving the best of what I can to make him happy. Really happy.

Ano ba talaga?

....

Well if I accept defeat, what am I to do about it?

Hahaha. I've cried about it. Even before I met him problema ko naman na itong mga insecurities ko. Haay.

I wonder if I should let someone else handle everything...love him...someone who could actually be with him and not be so much trouble for him, someone who's really beautiful and darned talented at billiards and table tennis...someone who can solve math problems faster than he can...someone who can finish happy hopper with him and not hit his hand all the time when they play dancemaniax...someone who can welcome him into her family and not feel discriminated...someone who could dress impressively and not be such a rebel sexist...someone who can carry high heels and glide on high notes in the karaoke room...someone...who's an engineer...and can sit with him for hours and be free to commute as she knows how...someone who eats a lot more than I do...someone...

But I want her to be me.

Siguro pag natulog na ko now I'm gonna laugh at these things in the morning.:) The heck, Anni...what have I done to you...

I will always be alone, I guess...

Right now:

I fight the urge to want my old life of solitude where everything is within my control, when I don't have to think about anyone waiting on me when I go to the bathroom or visit the library. It just sucks anyway when I want to take my time and someone's there urging me to hurry up, like sticking around the latrines or the classrooms for a few seconds longer is a matter of life and death.

The burden of having to see about someone's welfare though unwillingly always rakes in extra chores for the mind and body. We're all supposed to be trying to act like young adults now. I don't see why everyone needs that kind of hardship to take.

I can go through my fourth year alone anyway. Why the need for silly laughing groups coming after me at lunch time, or taunting little kids putting up a front at me on my busy schedule?

I suck at this. Man. I'm a total mess.