Suddenly I'm unsure of myself.
Oh man. Why do I have to make things so complicated for myself?
Lord!!!
Attachment issues of Peach
I am currently unable to strategise how to unlearn my tendency of attachment.
I think it's part of an instructor's curse, especially in my case that I'm dealing with these kids one-on-one on weekdays. It's a shame for me to manifest the signs of stress in handling parting and letting go.I feel bad in having to feel this pang of sorrow as I necessarily detach myself from my students, whom I have been bonded with at some level. Attachment for me is a form of weakness. It's a liability especially for professional growth. I should not care so much. I should not feel so much love and happiness. But why this?
I wish there was some way I could remove them. Lord, I haven't had real problems with it, but can I ask you to just take out my emotions? Just for six months, maybe... hahaha. Yes, I know I know... like evey trait you have given me, I need to master it. I need to resolve my attachment issues through this rich field of opportunity laid out before me. It's not gonna be easy, but I know past this I shall emerge a better person, hopefully a stronger one who can level up on the emotional aspect of self-control. Hay.
And enough with that infatuation thing. Better not start anything that will provoke ugly series of events. The smallest exchange of words can brew a major war.
Goodnight Kenneth. Lord, be with me.
I think it's part of an instructor's curse, especially in my case that I'm dealing with these kids one-on-one on weekdays. It's a shame for me to manifest the signs of stress in handling parting and letting go.I feel bad in having to feel this pang of sorrow as I necessarily detach myself from my students, whom I have been bonded with at some level. Attachment for me is a form of weakness. It's a liability especially for professional growth. I should not care so much. I should not feel so much love and happiness. But why this?
I wish there was some way I could remove them. Lord, I haven't had real problems with it, but can I ask you to just take out my emotions? Just for six months, maybe... hahaha. Yes, I know I know... like evey trait you have given me, I need to master it. I need to resolve my attachment issues through this rich field of opportunity laid out before me. It's not gonna be easy, but I know past this I shall emerge a better person, hopefully a stronger one who can level up on the emotional aspect of self-control. Hay.
And enough with that infatuation thing. Better not start anything that will provoke ugly series of events. The smallest exchange of words can brew a major war.
Goodnight Kenneth. Lord, be with me.
Tear-stained notes and a pillow
Two days ago I cried all night until I fell asleep.
Now this is the case. There are only two instances I was hurt so bad that the pain made me ask God to just take my life and get on with it: One was when I was compelled to say goodbye to...*** and the other was this. I felt so ashamed with what I have done that it hurt so much to admit it. But I bravely came forth and took responsibility for my fault. I'm not denying anything. I just believe that a mature person ought to take the consequences like a man... or in this case, like a true Christian. My biggest burden is that I felt that I have so disgraced the Lord with my actions when I'm supposed to be glorifying him. Second is that it doesn't feel good to look weak and bad in front of your own family, especially my ma whom I love so much.
There. Not discussing the issue. But I guess this makes me want to be more aware of pleasing God...and to watch my actions carefully. Also, one more thing- I need to make sure I'm pleasing God first and not other people, not even my mother. You can't please people, and with such motive we're bound to be miserable. Feel ko kasi I'm returning to that... like I want to have the assurance from her that she will love me still even if I fail sometimes... I'm just human. Not that it's a reason, but everyone falls sometimes, right? But what matters is the direction we are in... in a marathon, as long as you're running in the right direction, you're bound to get to the finish line no matter how often you have to stumble. I hope to make it a point to always set my eyes on the pleasing and perfect will of God that I may please him always with my life.
And as a by-product, I hope to make my family happy and proud of me.
Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Aw. Soli deo gloria. Love you Lord...you're all I need.
Now this is the case. There are only two instances I was hurt so bad that the pain made me ask God to just take my life and get on with it: One was when I was compelled to say goodbye to...*** and the other was this. I felt so ashamed with what I have done that it hurt so much to admit it. But I bravely came forth and took responsibility for my fault. I'm not denying anything. I just believe that a mature person ought to take the consequences like a man... or in this case, like a true Christian. My biggest burden is that I felt that I have so disgraced the Lord with my actions when I'm supposed to be glorifying him. Second is that it doesn't feel good to look weak and bad in front of your own family, especially my ma whom I love so much.
There. Not discussing the issue. But I guess this makes me want to be more aware of pleasing God...and to watch my actions carefully. Also, one more thing- I need to make sure I'm pleasing God first and not other people, not even my mother. You can't please people, and with such motive we're bound to be miserable. Feel ko kasi I'm returning to that... like I want to have the assurance from her that she will love me still even if I fail sometimes... I'm just human. Not that it's a reason, but everyone falls sometimes, right? But what matters is the direction we are in... in a marathon, as long as you're running in the right direction, you're bound to get to the finish line no matter how often you have to stumble. I hope to make it a point to always set my eyes on the pleasing and perfect will of God that I may please him always with my life.
And as a by-product, I hope to make my family happy and proud of me.
Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Aw. Soli deo gloria. Love you Lord...you're all I need.
Si Pilantod
I don't really know what the big deal is with this tale... must be the cute graphics which I appreciated, or maybe the way I associated him with our dog, Lebron (ooohh the dreaded thought of 'what if Lebron had only three knees instead of four, poor baby...'). Maybe it's the endearing camaraderie of personified mammals and fowls...or the rivalry within (you'll have to read to find out more^^). While my aunt and mom insist that it's nothing special, I was drawn to the story like a child develops a fixation to a colorful candy store.
Hehehe...Anni's being a kid...
But don't be fooled by the cutesy animations- the main theme of the story is animal cruelty. And adding to the appealing points for me is its unpredictability.
The biggest impact came to me in the climax- the main hero saving the spiteful antagonist (oops spoiler, nyehehehe)- the canine saving the human who had tried to kill him and was then after his life.
Hahaha. I love it!
HBK-mania
The mania is definitely not over for me. I've been having the fever since last month.
I hope to see him and have my book signed...I want to tell him how much he has inspired me and how much I admire him. He's really handsome. Not all perfect, but he's right about him saying that he has been constant in his craft. I daresay he's achieved the same in his life, having accepted Christ and doing his best to be a good family man.
I hope to see you. Hahaha. Glad to see you're having a good life now. :)
I hope to see him and have my book signed...I want to tell him how much he has inspired me and how much I admire him. He's really handsome. Not all perfect, but he's right about him saying that he has been constant in his craft. I daresay he's achieved the same in his life, having accepted Christ and doing his best to be a good family man.
I hope to see you. Hahaha. Glad to see you're having a good life now. :)
Self-discovery is such an unpleasant journey
Just this week I realized that during these mellow months, I had the chance to look at my psychological mirror and get more acquainted with myself. It is not the most pleasant phase.
But I need the experience. I guess seeing more of me gives me quite an advantage. I am well aware that my worst enemy starts with S- the self. Know thyself, know thy enemy...that's how it goes...
So, what have I discovered so far? Two things:
1. I have a detachment tendency. Whenever I find something unfavorable, what I often tend to do is to retreat to myself in order to contemplate on it.
I am quite fond of contemplating...I spend a lot of time thinking, so much more than most people that even one of my mentors warned me that maybe overthinking could lead me to paralysis. And there is much truth to that. I find it hard to take my next action whenever I'm tempted to run away into my own thinking. Perhaps I ought to reconsider the amount of time I spend in brewing strategies in my head.
Next!
2. After reflecting on my career status, I finally realized today that the only activity/career that can be oh-so pleasurable for me is writing. Or at least it's at the top of the list. I want to be a writer. Maybe this accounts for a part of my frustration and... misery..? Naw, maybe just discontent.
Ever since I picked up my first P8.50 notebook in the mall when I was eight, I knew in my heart that this is what I would be happy doing. But then again, it's not practical. With the family issues going, I can't go thinking about myself first. (This is weird, my eyes are starting to well up as I type this)
And so under the influence of my mother, I started to smother that desire when I went to college... I think I did put out the fire for good. And now I feel like I'm really going nowhere...
Careerwise, am I really satisfied? Sure, nursing's been great...it's given me a lot of unforgettable experiences. Diving into business is also a smart move, but is it really my niche? My aunt said before that each one of us has a niche in this world. Of course our priority will always be God's pleasure, but it matters to know (and be in) the area where we function best. Maybe that's the reason why I've kept looking for other options, hoping to escape my current situation and go to where I naturally shine...or function, at least...
I feel useless.
Although it's today that I had this realization, I think that this all started one day when a good friend of mine who happens to be a good writer sent to me a link to her published works in a famous magazine...again. It's wrong to feel this way, but I have to admit, I am so so envious that I didn't even bother to read the article. I should be happy for her success, but why this heartache?
...
And now this. Well, self- you got me this time and I'm staring right back at you. Congratulations.
...
But I need the experience. I guess seeing more of me gives me quite an advantage. I am well aware that my worst enemy starts with S- the self. Know thyself, know thy enemy...that's how it goes...
So, what have I discovered so far? Two things:
1. I have a detachment tendency. Whenever I find something unfavorable, what I often tend to do is to retreat to myself in order to contemplate on it.
I am quite fond of contemplating...I spend a lot of time thinking, so much more than most people that even one of my mentors warned me that maybe overthinking could lead me to paralysis. And there is much truth to that. I find it hard to take my next action whenever I'm tempted to run away into my own thinking. Perhaps I ought to reconsider the amount of time I spend in brewing strategies in my head.
Next!
2. After reflecting on my career status, I finally realized today that the only activity/career that can be oh-so pleasurable for me is writing. Or at least it's at the top of the list. I want to be a writer. Maybe this accounts for a part of my frustration and... misery..? Naw, maybe just discontent.
Ever since I picked up my first P8.50 notebook in the mall when I was eight, I knew in my heart that this is what I would be happy doing. But then again, it's not practical. With the family issues going, I can't go thinking about myself first. (This is weird, my eyes are starting to well up as I type this)
And so under the influence of my mother, I started to smother that desire when I went to college... I think I did put out the fire for good. And now I feel like I'm really going nowhere...
Careerwise, am I really satisfied? Sure, nursing's been great...it's given me a lot of unforgettable experiences. Diving into business is also a smart move, but is it really my niche? My aunt said before that each one of us has a niche in this world. Of course our priority will always be God's pleasure, but it matters to know (and be in) the area where we function best. Maybe that's the reason why I've kept looking for other options, hoping to escape my current situation and go to where I naturally shine...or function, at least...
I feel useless.
Although it's today that I had this realization, I think that this all started one day when a good friend of mine who happens to be a good writer sent to me a link to her published works in a famous magazine...again. It's wrong to feel this way, but I have to admit, I am so so envious that I didn't even bother to read the article. I should be happy for her success, but why this heartache?
...
And now this. Well, self- you got me this time and I'm staring right back at you. Congratulations.
...
The Hotstepper Needs 2 Step Aside
Entry ryt off my cp-
I fl lyk haf f my heart s being ripped ryt out f my chest. Parang bubble gum na nstuck sa buhok, then you try 2 manually get it off..pero madikit e, and it hurts as you pull harder.
Hmm. This is d secnd instance dt iv flt ds kind f pain. As i rflect on ths situatn im in, i begin to see that perhapz ds is how mothrs typicly fl wn their sons devt a rlatnshp wd anothr 'sgnifcant othr'- that is, their partners in lyf. Or myb wd fathers 2 their daughters. Yung flng na npapalitan ka na. Parang black n wht picture sa picture frame. Parng pudpod na tsinelas na sobrng nipis na sa gamit. Parang ung bansot na mongol 2 pencil na ndi na maitasa nang maigi. Malungkot...ito ang mga sitwasyong hnihngi na ng panahon ang pgbbago. Kaht ayaw mo pa, batid mong sadyang kumakatok na ang pangangailangang makibagay at hndi mo na maiwasan, tulad marahl ng bumbay na naniningil na sa utang...o ang ngbabadyang sarap ng pagbahing. O ang nararapat na pagtabi- that is, to step aside, in order to allow a son's/daughter's/friend's significant other 2 pave his or her way 2 his or her side, and with much hope, his or her heart as wel. Yun kasi ang dapat. Parang sa punong manga- a vry important factor for growth is to ensure ample space.
I knw that. Bt i can't help but fl this way. I am sensng dt i am at a stage of trying 2 accept the reality of life's changes. I do realize dt i am easily affectd by parting in various forms...i gues ths is just one f such 'goodbyes' that i hav 2 go thru, on account f d unspokn agreemnt dt there is the risk f farewell-anytime in each rlationship dt i open my door 2. Aftr ol, in social rlatns, like in evrythng els in ds wrld, change is inevitable. We ought 2 live whle cnsciously being aware dt ol is dynamic.
So thus my sadness...bt i knw il b (and i hv 2 b!) able 2 accept d changes soon enuf, mainly for the rlational benefit of othr people. As an aftrthought, buti na rin yun- this just opens my eyes all the mre 2 d fact that nthng lasts forevr, evn rlationshps wch im afraid we smtimes hold 2 dearly. Cme 2 thnk f it, God is our sole Lover who can last as long as the rlationshp He shares with His children. I am being rmindd by my situatn dt as long as i hv ds dvine rlatnshp 2 hold on 2...i nid nt fl lonely or any less of myself. I hav evrythng in the Lord whatever comes (or goes) my way in this life.
I fl lyk haf f my heart s being ripped ryt out f my chest. Parang bubble gum na nstuck sa buhok, then you try 2 manually get it off..pero madikit e, and it hurts as you pull harder.
Hmm. This is d secnd instance dt iv flt ds kind f pain. As i rflect on ths situatn im in, i begin to see that perhapz ds is how mothrs typicly fl wn their sons devt a rlatnshp wd anothr 'sgnifcant othr'- that is, their partners in lyf. Or myb wd fathers 2 their daughters. Yung flng na npapalitan ka na. Parang black n wht picture sa picture frame. Parng pudpod na tsinelas na sobrng nipis na sa gamit. Parang ung bansot na mongol 2 pencil na ndi na maitasa nang maigi. Malungkot...ito ang mga sitwasyong hnihngi na ng panahon ang pgbbago. Kaht ayaw mo pa, batid mong sadyang kumakatok na ang pangangailangang makibagay at hndi mo na maiwasan, tulad marahl ng bumbay na naniningil na sa utang...o ang ngbabadyang sarap ng pagbahing. O ang nararapat na pagtabi- that is, to step aside, in order to allow a son's/daughter's/friend's significant other 2 pave his or her way 2 his or her side, and with much hope, his or her heart as wel. Yun kasi ang dapat. Parang sa punong manga- a vry important factor for growth is to ensure ample space.
I knw that. Bt i can't help but fl this way. I am sensng dt i am at a stage of trying 2 accept the reality of life's changes. I do realize dt i am easily affectd by parting in various forms...i gues ths is just one f such 'goodbyes' that i hav 2 go thru, on account f d unspokn agreemnt dt there is the risk f farewell-anytime in each rlationship dt i open my door 2. Aftr ol, in social rlatns, like in evrythng els in ds wrld, change is inevitable. We ought 2 live whle cnsciously being aware dt ol is dynamic.
So thus my sadness...bt i knw il b (and i hv 2 b!) able 2 accept d changes soon enuf, mainly for the rlational benefit of othr people. As an aftrthought, buti na rin yun- this just opens my eyes all the mre 2 d fact that nthng lasts forevr, evn rlationshps wch im afraid we smtimes hold 2 dearly. Cme 2 thnk f it, God is our sole Lover who can last as long as the rlationshp He shares with His children. I am being rmindd by my situatn dt as long as i hv ds dvine rlatnshp 2 hold on 2...i nid nt fl lonely or any less of myself. I hav evrythng in the Lord whatever comes (or goes) my way in this life.
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