Disappointed. Devastated. Frustrated.

I am very disappointed.

I ask you to pave me a clean way to get to church as you will. No lies, no my-will-be-done's. But it seems like with all these obstacles you allow before me, I'm not meant to do that for the meantime. Initially I told you that it's okay to shrug it off for now, and just keep the relationship okay, but I realized... nah, I'm really disappointed. The rejection is so hard to keep behind a smile.

Devastated? Yes, I pity myself for not being able to express my faith freely, go to church. My mother told me a few hours after how I'm an uneducated, stupid person with the cockroach's brain.. I think I did something wrong in the kitchen, didn't smash anything or ruined a recipe... but she just had to bust me like that at such an appropriate time.  Lord, that is so timely. Haha. It's not my fault I'm not going to church on Sunday. Pave the way... well I may have to stop asking for that.

Or maybe going to church is a matter of deserving it. I don't know. I sing of how you're so merciful and you allow everyone to come to you fair and square, but where's fair in this game I'm in? I'm so confused with why I can't legally come to church without sparking a potential WWIII in my household. Whenever such disappointments come my way, I am tempted to just let you go and go my ignorant way, but you know me well... you know what my heart yearns for... I want you, and you only to rule me and just change me all the way. So why can't I have it without these pains?

Why do I feel like you're hiding your face from me?

Show yourself!

Let me know this is something real... I know you're there and you feel with me individually... you care, you love me... more than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've disciplined me the hardest, you've accepted me at my worst, you've found me at my weakest... now do you feel my pain? I just yearn to know what to do, because I am very very confused. You mean so much to me and I just need you to tell me something.