Did this out of a whim yesterday at around 1-2 pm.
Wala lang. Funny how boredom squeezes the brains out of you that you have to use the heart to get something worthwhile done...hahaha. Seriously, it's not out of thin air...I used my limbic system to come up with this. :)
Anyway, I enjoyed doing this...inspired by and dedicated to a stranger who somehow starts to smell like a good friend to me. Hmm...
Professional Magna(nakaw)
I want to steal your every pain,
Take whatever sorrows remain therein
I want to be the one to hold,
And warm your heart when it turns cold,
I want to be the name you call,
At the break of pride, when you take your fall
When the darkness of the world overwhelms you whole
And snuffs our the last bit of hope in your soul
Turn your eyes beside you and see me there
Lighting your lamp with a willing flare
Let my words and embrace heal you
That you may open your eyes to days anew
Find love and hope, oh there you'll see
Me standing there...if you let me be
Be the cunning thief who steals your pain
Who takes whatever sorrows remain
Who would rather stay as near and hold
And warm your heart when it turns cold
Be the name...the first name you call
At the break of pride when you take your fall
In my arms...
Easter nagging, easter visit, easter egg
"Maligo ka na!"
That was the first thing I heard from my mother as I opened my eyes this morning. And her voice sounded so foreign because-
1) my whooping cough, the medical thriller (and my alpha BSB- bwisit sa buhay^^) didn't let me into dreamland until about 5:30 in the morning;
2) she has been giving me the silent treatment (note that I said 'has' because she's still not really conversing with me in the casual way- that is unless you consider her early morn wakeup call a decent conversation- well i don't, hahaha)
I lingered in bed before she came back with a louder wakeup call. So although my eyes were telling me to just lie down and relax, I had to force myself up and take a shower without knowing the agenda of the day.
Grrr. 7am. And that cough that I can't seem to get rid of...
When my uncle came in to fetch us, I feigned sleep on the chair and heard my brothers discussing our agenda with my mother. We're supposed to spend our Easter visiting my mother's aunt. I must have been asleep when they made that decision...
The visit-
The visit turned into more of an UBE than a family affair, because my family were in the same car with my cousins' family. Naturally it's noisy and full of music and lively chatter. It's one of those good things that came out our car being hit last month (and it's still not fixed, so we don't really have a choice but to enjoy cramming into the other car).
Of course good food was in abundance; all I had to do was take and take (though I didn't go for second helpings because I easily reached my satiety level despite not having eaten anything during the day).
There's this strange dish in the menu this time that we don't usually have, papaitan ata yun...out of a dare and an agreement in the name of brotherhood (may ganoon pa eh), tinikman namin ng pinsan kong si Alain. He tolerated it. I didn't. I took a sip of the dish (sabi nila yung sabaw daw ang kinakain doon) and said, "Ayoko." My aunt laughed in understanding, saying that it's a favorite beer match. No wonder...
It gets more interesting-
My bright little cousin Mark (though for his age I would not say he's little), whose visit yesterday was cut short (we were playing Tekken3) due to time constraints, revisits today and is here to stay for a while (his parents approved of their only child to stay here with us, at his eager request). He's such an interesting persona- speaks like an adult and can master computer games faster than average. I say he's a genius. :)
Happy and optimistic about my mother scolding me this morning (yeah, how normal can that be). Like Yani (who BTW is now going to Bicol, so happy for you) said through text:
"It's a start.":)
...a start. Somehow that reminds me of something I have been experiencing this week. It seems like I've had a great deal of time to examine myself, thanks to the silence. I eventually realized that my relationship issues (secondary to my hospitalization and troubles postoperatively) caused me to unconsciously fear the unknown all the more...to be less open...to be more vigilant in my choice of relationships and decisions in my current relationships.
I don't know if that's good. Maybe it's one of those 50/50s. Maybe I should even give up thinking too much about this.
But then the fear is real...it's there and it lingers...yet...somehow...an old part of me still yearns to love as true and trust as true as I used to. (I know it sounds vague, but traumatic issues can cause an eventual shift in one's way of perceiving things...maybe that's what happened to me after all that's said and done.)
I don't know...well what's more important here is that I am now aware of it. And that issue of trust...am I ready to open my heart again to new people?
Heh...maybe I have opened my heart without even being aware of it...tsktsk...
That was the first thing I heard from my mother as I opened my eyes this morning. And her voice sounded so foreign because-
1) my whooping cough, the medical thriller (and my alpha BSB- bwisit sa buhay^^) didn't let me into dreamland until about 5:30 in the morning;
2) she has been giving me the silent treatment (note that I said 'has' because she's still not really conversing with me in the casual way- that is unless you consider her early morn wakeup call a decent conversation- well i don't, hahaha)
I lingered in bed before she came back with a louder wakeup call. So although my eyes were telling me to just lie down and relax, I had to force myself up and take a shower without knowing the agenda of the day.
Grrr. 7am. And that cough that I can't seem to get rid of...
When my uncle came in to fetch us, I feigned sleep on the chair and heard my brothers discussing our agenda with my mother. We're supposed to spend our Easter visiting my mother's aunt. I must have been asleep when they made that decision...
The visit-
The visit turned into more of an UBE than a family affair, because my family were in the same car with my cousins' family. Naturally it's noisy and full of music and lively chatter. It's one of those good things that came out our car being hit last month (and it's still not fixed, so we don't really have a choice but to enjoy cramming into the other car).
Of course good food was in abundance; all I had to do was take and take (though I didn't go for second helpings because I easily reached my satiety level despite not having eaten anything during the day).
There's this strange dish in the menu this time that we don't usually have, papaitan ata yun...out of a dare and an agreement in the name of brotherhood (may ganoon pa eh), tinikman namin ng pinsan kong si Alain. He tolerated it. I didn't. I took a sip of the dish (sabi nila yung sabaw daw ang kinakain doon) and said, "Ayoko." My aunt laughed in understanding, saying that it's a favorite beer match. No wonder...
It gets more interesting-
My bright little cousin Mark (though for his age I would not say he's little), whose visit yesterday was cut short (we were playing Tekken3) due to time constraints, revisits today and is here to stay for a while (his parents approved of their only child to stay here with us, at his eager request). He's such an interesting persona- speaks like an adult and can master computer games faster than average. I say he's a genius. :)
Happy and optimistic about my mother scolding me this morning (yeah, how normal can that be). Like Yani (who BTW is now going to Bicol, so happy for you) said through text:
"It's a start.":)
...a start. Somehow that reminds me of something I have been experiencing this week. It seems like I've had a great deal of time to examine myself, thanks to the silence. I eventually realized that my relationship issues (secondary to my hospitalization and troubles postoperatively) caused me to unconsciously fear the unknown all the more...to be less open...to be more vigilant in my choice of relationships and decisions in my current relationships.
I don't know if that's good. Maybe it's one of those 50/50s. Maybe I should even give up thinking too much about this.
But then the fear is real...it's there and it lingers...yet...somehow...an old part of me still yearns to love as true and trust as true as I used to. (I know it sounds vague, but traumatic issues can cause an eventual shift in one's way of perceiving things...maybe that's what happened to me after all that's said and done.)
I don't know...well what's more important here is that I am now aware of it. And that issue of trust...am I ready to open my heart again to new people?
Heh...maybe I have opened my heart without even being aware of it...tsktsk...
Retreat...
OK,after my down time here I guess I'll leave. Lots to do. Read that medical thriller pocket book...strum some new chords...hahahaha. And maybe text some people who have been saying hi...
I wish me and my circle of friends (walanghiyangmgabata) can go out this summah...at least even before my birthday (I'm actually turning 21!!!) Thank God for 21 years of putting up with my bull. Hahahaha.
Life is not beautiful.
But I am. Hahahahaha.
Ok,come on- it's a change of perspective!!!:P
I wish me and my circle of friends (walanghiyangmgabata) can go out this summah...at least even before my birthday (I'm actually turning 21!!!) Thank God for 21 years of putting up with my bull. Hahahaha.
Life is not beautiful.
But I am. Hahahahaha.
Ok,come on- it's a change of perspective!!!:P
Profound change
Recently I feel that my entries here were...rather brief. And if it's not about personality tests, academic stuff...well, it's silence all the way. Yeah, I have been busy. The grueling semester has helped me so much
I don't really know what happened to me...but then even as I try to cover up everything, I realized I have changed drastically these past semester. I never counted on that to happen in such a short span of time.
.
Five months seemed to have been a whole year's growth span for me. Five months seemed to have taken away some measure of innocence in me...the eyes that used to see rainbows and butterflies...the heart that used to be so open to laughter and goofing off...the hands that used to hold only herself so tightly...the ears that used to ignore the painful words...the lips that used to speak most everything, even the pain...
I don't really know what happened along the way...how I woke up one day having no taste for the world, no taste for the flavors of life. And how can I tell anyone about it? About being enclosed in this cell that no light of understanding can reach...about feeling like no one will ever really know, no one...about the loneliness that so embraces me...which I loathe, and yet...she's all I got...
Well here's where being busy helped. It kept me from coming back to the comforting arms of loneliness. It kept me on the go, worrying constantly about not making it, beating deadlines, chasing teachers around, dealing with peer issues...I had enough to bother myself in my hands that pretty soon I was back on the fast track. Workaholic peach ruled once more, though this time not so efficient as before.
But then in those stolen moments of rest I caught myself scanning the empty skies and wondering about the happy days when I used to feel like nothing can stop me. It was a nostalgic phase...and then I would binge one sweets, on high calorie organic foods...whatever was there at hand. I didn't feel like coming home all the more- when I finally did I slept and slept...getting nothing done most of the time.
Since I came back from my long break there has been a big shift in my interpersonal relationships...some came, some stayed...some left...some inched away...until I realized they were already out of my reach. Well I should have anticipated it. I can give a hundred reasons for people to walk away from me...and now I can't seem to name one reason in my defense on the worth of staying around for me. It's just that maybe I have lost my will, lost my voice to assert myself...I feel like I have really lost a lot.
But I did gain something, other than the severe depression that I had to fight with nonpharmacological means- insights.
1. I realized that the world is not really beautiful. It just depends on our own perspective that the world becomes beautiful.
2. Everyone is capable of hurting anyone they interact with. Care and choice give us better chances of not being hurt. But then here's my follow-up insight: It requires true courage and true love to allow relationships to last. What is true courage? It is entrusting the keys to your heart to people whom you know are capable of hurting you (that means everyone). What is true love? It is allowing them to keep the keys when they actually do (hurt you).
3. I saw all the more how change is constant. No one is safe from it in this world. So what makes me think that me and my friends are? We will forever be moving close, forever be moving apart...and close...it takes a lot of will and faith to reach through the distance and uncertainties...
4. Infatuation briefly smolders me whole; true love constantly warms my soul.
5. Natural chivalry (which is being a gentleman void of self-interest) is a treasure. You won't believe its existence until you somehow dig it up in the most unlikely places.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It really depends on the spectator or the critic. And true beauty belongs to the soul.
7. My summary of a good relationship is: I need you to trust me/I don't make promises/I want you to believe in me/Love isn't an educated guess/You have to fall free
I admit to my bout of severe depression past my ordeal in the hospital. I admit to feeling worthless and powerless right after. And it lasted for months. I might say about 2 and a half. I lost my touch with the world. I grew cold and I fell out of reality's embrace. I let myself fall into the pit of self-depreciation. I now see it clearly, but then what's done is done. I cannot do anything better than put the past behind me and accept that it did happen.
I need to pick up the pieces left of me.
Hey stranger in the crowd, will you help me?
I am down with nothing- and desperate, you see.
I plead you- don't join them all who flee.
Used to be I counted on so many.
I thought my friendships were free.
They were there in the morn...
In the night- left me torn...
My patience is wearing thin.
Won't you help me begin?
I think I know you from somewhere.
Yes, you see through me as I'm going nowhere.
I think we've met down the road of sorrow.
I was alone; you helped me up though I said no.
Yeah, I think I've met you down the road of sorrow...
I think I know you now so well.
You already picked up everything that fell.
It's you again.
You who's left standing with me every now and then.
I don't really know what happened to me...but then even as I try to cover up everything, I realized I have changed drastically these past semester. I never counted on that to happen in such a short span of time.
.
Five months seemed to have been a whole year's growth span for me. Five months seemed to have taken away some measure of innocence in me...the eyes that used to see rainbows and butterflies...the heart that used to be so open to laughter and goofing off...the hands that used to hold only herself so tightly...the ears that used to ignore the painful words...the lips that used to speak most everything, even the pain...
I don't really know what happened along the way...how I woke up one day having no taste for the world, no taste for the flavors of life. And how can I tell anyone about it? About being enclosed in this cell that no light of understanding can reach...about feeling like no one will ever really know, no one...about the loneliness that so embraces me...which I loathe, and yet...she's all I got...
Well here's where being busy helped. It kept me from coming back to the comforting arms of loneliness. It kept me on the go, worrying constantly about not making it, beating deadlines, chasing teachers around, dealing with peer issues...I had enough to bother myself in my hands that pretty soon I was back on the fast track. Workaholic peach ruled once more, though this time not so efficient as before.
But then in those stolen moments of rest I caught myself scanning the empty skies and wondering about the happy days when I used to feel like nothing can stop me. It was a nostalgic phase...and then I would binge one sweets, on high calorie organic foods...whatever was there at hand. I didn't feel like coming home all the more- when I finally did I slept and slept...getting nothing done most of the time.
Since I came back from my long break there has been a big shift in my interpersonal relationships...some came, some stayed...some left...some inched away...until I realized they were already out of my reach. Well I should have anticipated it. I can give a hundred reasons for people to walk away from me...and now I can't seem to name one reason in my defense on the worth of staying around for me. It's just that maybe I have lost my will, lost my voice to assert myself...I feel like I have really lost a lot.
But I did gain something, other than the severe depression that I had to fight with nonpharmacological means- insights.
1. I realized that the world is not really beautiful. It just depends on our own perspective that the world becomes beautiful.
2. Everyone is capable of hurting anyone they interact with. Care and choice give us better chances of not being hurt. But then here's my follow-up insight: It requires true courage and true love to allow relationships to last. What is true courage? It is entrusting the keys to your heart to people whom you know are capable of hurting you (that means everyone). What is true love? It is allowing them to keep the keys when they actually do (hurt you).
3. I saw all the more how change is constant. No one is safe from it in this world. So what makes me think that me and my friends are? We will forever be moving close, forever be moving apart...and close...it takes a lot of will and faith to reach through the distance and uncertainties...
4. Infatuation briefly smolders me whole; true love constantly warms my soul.
5. Natural chivalry (which is being a gentleman void of self-interest) is a treasure. You won't believe its existence until you somehow dig it up in the most unlikely places.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It really depends on the spectator or the critic. And true beauty belongs to the soul.
7. My summary of a good relationship is: I need you to trust me/I don't make promises/I want you to believe in me/Love isn't an educated guess/You have to fall free
I admit to my bout of severe depression past my ordeal in the hospital. I admit to feeling worthless and powerless right after. And it lasted for months. I might say about 2 and a half. I lost my touch with the world. I grew cold and I fell out of reality's embrace. I let myself fall into the pit of self-depreciation. I now see it clearly, but then what's done is done. I cannot do anything better than put the past behind me and accept that it did happen.
I need to pick up the pieces left of me.
Hey stranger in the crowd, will you help me?
I am down with nothing- and desperate, you see.
I plead you- don't join them all who flee.
Used to be I counted on so many.
I thought my friendships were free.
They were there in the morn...
In the night- left me torn...
My patience is wearing thin.
Won't you help me begin?
I think I know you from somewhere.
Yes, you see through me as I'm going nowhere.
I think we've met down the road of sorrow.
I was alone; you helped me up though I said no.
Yeah, I think I've met you down the road of sorrow...
I think I know you now so well.
You already picked up everything that fell.
It's you again.
You who's left standing with me every now and then.
Sedentary Lifestyle Is Not Good For Peach
Parang bacteria lang yan at tsaka ampicillin- it's a power struggle. Hahaha.
I guess I need more time to get used to the life of a pig (buhay baboy)...with activities round-the-clock of KTL- Kain, Tulog, Laro. I know that after exhausting myself to the point of having my physical body shout "NO MORE!" by eliciting the inflam complex secondary to viral invasion of my respiratory tracts (which is very unusual for me), I deserve to rest. Anni declares a good classic cure of R&R for her viral infection.
And rest I did for the first two days, sleeping for about 22 hours collectively (almost a day of playing sleeping beauty, turns out). Hahaha. Surprisingly I still feel the need to sleep lots. I'm hogging the covers in the middle of the day (with a medical thriller "Harvest" just beside me in bed and my bearhug companion "Wig" which might just start scolding me for my maladjusted biological rhythm.
It's been four days since classes in the College of Nursing ended. Finally! Kasi kami na lang ata ang naiwan doon. Sabi ko nga kina Ian and Jrep nung nagdinner kami sa KFC this Tuesday night (yes, we had a sudden meeting right after the last exam wherein classmate ko pa si Ian^^), hindi na namin nafeel yung start-of-vacation excitement kasi nalipasan na kami...parang gutom lang na sabik na sabik ka in one minute then later when the anticipation time is prolonged...ayun, you lose the taste for it.
The working table isn't at all empty-
Well, I'm not over my stuff.
1. I have my make up duties to bother myself with. Expectedly pupunta talaga ako sa school on Monday to see how to deal with my incomplete duty hours.
2. And my operating room papers are not done. I have three more pref cards to fix. My first three pref cards told me I need an average of 1 hour per pref card to make it good (btw- pref cards, which are presented in the size of 5x8 index cards, are records...ng kaso namin sa operating room- now if we don't get 10 approved and signed we cannot really graduate and get our license as an RN).
And peach is on night call? (yeah right) hahaha-
Two days straight of telephone trip til 4am? So unlikely of me...tsktsk...I modified the habit already, ok...hahaha.
So happy with my liberty to use the PC-
Yeah, I'm blogging again. My bros have been hogging the pc for a while since vacation started. Kung hindi NBA, Freestyle naman ang trip (which also happens to be a basketball game on pc, grr). hahaha. Well...
Brother issues...
Sa totoo lang that opened my eyes to my shortcomings here in the house. With all the school stuff I've been trying to get done, I already missed out on a lot of what's going on with my bros. It makes me feel sad, especially now siyempre kababalik ko lang from the alien world of nursing (I come in peace, hahaha), so they don't seem so fond of interacting with me. It's either with each other or with the pc. Poor girl me. Hahahay. I have to take advantage of the vacation...somehow.
The deafening silence...
My mother...has been giving me the silent treatment for a week already. Nagsimula kasi siya nung nagstay ako sa tandang sora, over at my groupmate's place to do our thesis na talaga namang pamatay, pang ab-lit, eh nursing nga kami eh (sir hibek!!!). So ayun, nagpaalam naman ako. Nagkaproblema lang sa sunduan. Miscommunication. Nagkasagutan, ayun. (I can't even believe I did that)I know where I went wrong and yet my mother takes it as an offense and refused to listen to any of my explanations. Which for me is rather predictable, because all she ever listens to is...no, wait, let's revise that- I'm the only one in the family she doesn't like to listen to. Hahaha. The boys can reason. The nerdy black sheep shuts up and takes the blame. Great rule for the herd, yeah.
I just hope she recovers from her tantrum real quick now- it's been a week. Her silence has caused me so much grief and anxiety. Also, I'm becoming even sicker than before (the virus in my sinuses became a real bad infection down sa throat ko), and I can't take meds because she has the doctor's prescription. Ayun.
Next week, goodbye sedentary lifestyle again...so the most I can do about it is enjoy and relish...the life of a pig. Aw yeah...
Now into so much music. Hahaha. I'm filling my newly acquired Samsung D900 with lots and lots of mp3s (now I see the value of a memory card, hehehe).
I guess I need more time to get used to the life of a pig (buhay baboy)...with activities round-the-clock of KTL- Kain, Tulog, Laro. I know that after exhausting myself to the point of having my physical body shout "NO MORE!" by eliciting the inflam complex secondary to viral invasion of my respiratory tracts (which is very unusual for me), I deserve to rest. Anni declares a good classic cure of R&R for her viral infection.
And rest I did for the first two days, sleeping for about 22 hours collectively (almost a day of playing sleeping beauty, turns out). Hahaha. Surprisingly I still feel the need to sleep lots. I'm hogging the covers in the middle of the day (with a medical thriller "Harvest" just beside me in bed and my bearhug companion "Wig" which might just start scolding me for my maladjusted biological rhythm.
It's been four days since classes in the College of Nursing ended. Finally! Kasi kami na lang ata ang naiwan doon. Sabi ko nga kina Ian and Jrep nung nagdinner kami sa KFC this Tuesday night (yes, we had a sudden meeting right after the last exam wherein classmate ko pa si Ian^^), hindi na namin nafeel yung start-of-vacation excitement kasi nalipasan na kami...parang gutom lang na sabik na sabik ka in one minute then later when the anticipation time is prolonged...ayun, you lose the taste for it.
The working table isn't at all empty-
Well, I'm not over my stuff.
1. I have my make up duties to bother myself with. Expectedly pupunta talaga ako sa school on Monday to see how to deal with my incomplete duty hours.
2. And my operating room papers are not done. I have three more pref cards to fix. My first three pref cards told me I need an average of 1 hour per pref card to make it good (btw- pref cards, which are presented in the size of 5x8 index cards, are records...ng kaso namin sa operating room- now if we don't get 10 approved and signed we cannot really graduate and get our license as an RN).
And peach is on night call? (yeah right) hahaha-
Two days straight of telephone trip til 4am? So unlikely of me...tsktsk...I modified the habit already, ok...hahaha.
So happy with my liberty to use the PC-
Yeah, I'm blogging again. My bros have been hogging the pc for a while since vacation started. Kung hindi NBA, Freestyle naman ang trip (which also happens to be a basketball game on pc, grr). hahaha. Well...
Brother issues...
Sa totoo lang that opened my eyes to my shortcomings here in the house. With all the school stuff I've been trying to get done, I already missed out on a lot of what's going on with my bros. It makes me feel sad, especially now siyempre kababalik ko lang from the alien world of nursing (I come in peace, hahaha), so they don't seem so fond of interacting with me. It's either with each other or with the pc. Poor girl me. Hahahay. I have to take advantage of the vacation...somehow.
The deafening silence...
My mother...has been giving me the silent treatment for a week already. Nagsimula kasi siya nung nagstay ako sa tandang sora, over at my groupmate's place to do our thesis na talaga namang pamatay, pang ab-lit, eh nursing nga kami eh (sir hibek!!!). So ayun, nagpaalam naman ako. Nagkaproblema lang sa sunduan. Miscommunication. Nagkasagutan, ayun. (I can't even believe I did that)I know where I went wrong and yet my mother takes it as an offense and refused to listen to any of my explanations. Which for me is rather predictable, because all she ever listens to is...no, wait, let's revise that- I'm the only one in the family she doesn't like to listen to. Hahaha. The boys can reason. The nerdy black sheep shuts up and takes the blame. Great rule for the herd, yeah.
I just hope she recovers from her tantrum real quick now- it's been a week. Her silence has caused me so much grief and anxiety. Also, I'm becoming even sicker than before (the virus in my sinuses became a real bad infection down sa throat ko), and I can't take meds because she has the doctor's prescription. Ayun.
Next week, goodbye sedentary lifestyle again...so the most I can do about it is enjoy and relish...the life of a pig. Aw yeah...
Now into so much music. Hahaha. I'm filling my newly acquired Samsung D900 with lots and lots of mp3s (now I see the value of a memory card, hehehe).
Holding up the smile isn't easy
Yeah, we all come to a time when we realize that life's a bitch and so am I. And this is my blog, so I'm venting as much as I want! Nobody will know about it anyway! Bwahahaha. Never mind the attitude, I have always been that way anyway, Hindi ako mabait. I know that. Hahaha. You don't have to tell me I'm a bastard. It's not even a secret. Hahaha. And this is when I embrace myself in a fetal position. It seems like I have always been alone. I don't need to be told that I am just like everyone else, hoping to realize that I am not, but yeah, I am. I don't know what's wrong with my optimistic side- my overwhelming dark side seems to have turned it off for the moment. Eleven hours of sleep did not even remedy the pain. Not a bit. Reading someone's email caused me to feel the raw pain of the wound again, fresh as ever. Who said you can say anything in behalf of the class? ****s to that. You don't even know how I feel about it. You didn't even ask me. You, my dear who once became my sunlight...I know an eclipse has come- so when will it end? I welcomed you and showed you most everything they know nothing about. And I showed you your way into new horizons. You got friends who seemed to be doing a better job at keeping you happy. It hurts to lose at that part of the job description called 'good friend.' But that doesn't entitle me to forcefully quit, right? So what happened to us...to you? What about you, new friend who said you'd love me despite the odds...I hoped you'd understand me the most. Now I make a fatal mistake. You know it. I plead you to understand and help me change for the better. You insult me by challenging my capability to end it all and remedy the mistake. What makes you think you're a good friend for doing that? And you go trying to make me feel that it's not my fault and you're not leaving me...all that ****. I believed in you. It hurts because I sincerely expected you to be there to support me more than anybody else. And you just didn't fail in that...you had to make it worse for me. As for you who thinks of herself all the time. You traitor. You've always stepped on me. But I love you, you bitch, I love you and I don't know what hurts more. And for your friend who thinks she makes everyone feel comfortable and yet gives me a demeaning eye I will never forget...you mess up badly, I take you as you are nevertheless. Now I mess up. What happened to you? I don't know. I'm sorry about this. I know I will be sorry for posting this later on. Maybe I'm just affected so by my stressful semester. Maybe I'm just that darned sensitive. I just feel like someone turned out the lights in my room called life. I just feel like everyone left me to die in claustrophobia. Heck, loneliness can't kill...maybe it's about time I scheduled myself for desensitization treatment.
No, the answer can only be one...and I know it. What am I doing to myself...
No, the answer can only be one...and I know it. What am I doing to myself...
If Schoolwork Could Kill...
I might as well be six feet under.
I hate being buried deep into a helpless mountain of tasks and not knowing how to get out. Well not yet. All I know is I am screaming silently, though trying to seem poised and unaffected. I wish I didn't have to go through all this.
I wish I could just sleep forever for like probably a whole week...in vacation. I want to go to a rural setting where there's trees and I could breathe in fresh air. Maybe high in Baguio would do me wonders...
I want to get this disease off me. I am such a stressful nursing student who seems to be forced with tasks she cannot refuse.
Grrrrrrrrr
I want out. Please lang. T.T
I have a life too!!!
Can anyone hear me?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OK, OK, I know this is futile...hahaha. It makes me all the more miserable. Maybe binging would do me a whole lot better.
I hate being buried deep into a helpless mountain of tasks and not knowing how to get out. Well not yet. All I know is I am screaming silently, though trying to seem poised and unaffected. I wish I didn't have to go through all this.
I wish I could just sleep forever for like probably a whole week...in vacation. I want to go to a rural setting where there's trees and I could breathe in fresh air. Maybe high in Baguio would do me wonders...
I want to get this disease off me. I am such a stressful nursing student who seems to be forced with tasks she cannot refuse.
Grrrrrrrrr
I want out. Please lang. T.T
I have a life too!!!
Can anyone hear me?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OK, OK, I know this is futile...hahaha. It makes me all the more miserable. Maybe binging would do me a whole lot better.
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