Another one-liner from me in the cold pouring rain
"You say: be strong my love, don't let me go. But I say: I'm stronger my love- so I let you go."
Success motivates me to be more vigilant
Yes, to be more vigilant than ever...that's what I am struggling with at this time. Last week's opening of the class had me anxiously finding my time with the Lord, and since we're talking high-pressure fourth year workpile versus spirituality...it's unquestionably hard for me, who's still trying so hard to keep her sights on eternity in check over anything else.
But I am determined!!! I refuse to fall back and get stuck in the pit of meaningless existence. I refuse to be in a stagnant relationship with God. I refuse to be in that position wherein my morals are out of the window. I refuse to lose my sight of what is right in the highest standards- God's.
I admit my weakness in the face of being tempted to 'just forget about God for a while and chat with my friends/ play dota/ do nothing/ sleep.' After all, it's been quite a while since I've spent time with my college friends, dota seems like a fun game, and sleeping is just...heaven? Hehehe. It is. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak nga talaga.
Indeed, there is no harm in having fun, as God wants us to be happy and enjoy his gifts. But these should not hinder me from finding my time for him.
Kaya nga ako'y napaparaning sa kakagawa ng paraan!!! Gusto ko ng fun fun, but not too much that I neglect my spiritual growth! It's happened quite a lot in the previous year. I don't want it to happen again. It's enough sadness and loneliness...mistakes...ungrace. It's ugly. It's what comes with my life away from the Lord who knows best.
Thankfully, I had been able to keep up with the reading and praying. So far. :) Thank God for that. But this feel of success at its early stage should not make me relax. I have to be vigilant, more than ever. Sabi nga ni Christ sa mga apostles niya sa garden...'keep watch and pray that you may not fall into temptation.'
Keep watch. Be vigilant. Temptation is everywhere. I am facing them all the more. God help me.
But I am determined!!! I refuse to fall back and get stuck in the pit of meaningless existence. I refuse to be in a stagnant relationship with God. I refuse to be in that position wherein my morals are out of the window. I refuse to lose my sight of what is right in the highest standards- God's.
I admit my weakness in the face of being tempted to 'just forget about God for a while and chat with my friends/ play dota/ do nothing/ sleep.' After all, it's been quite a while since I've spent time with my college friends, dota seems like a fun game, and sleeping is just...heaven? Hehehe. It is. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak nga talaga.
Indeed, there is no harm in having fun, as God wants us to be happy and enjoy his gifts. But these should not hinder me from finding my time for him.
Kaya nga ako'y napaparaning sa kakagawa ng paraan!!! Gusto ko ng fun fun, but not too much that I neglect my spiritual growth! It's happened quite a lot in the previous year. I don't want it to happen again. It's enough sadness and loneliness...mistakes...ungrace. It's ugly. It's what comes with my life away from the Lord who knows best.
Thankfully, I had been able to keep up with the reading and praying. So far. :) Thank God for that. But this feel of success at its early stage should not make me relax. I have to be vigilant, more than ever. Sabi nga ni Christ sa mga apostles niya sa garden...'keep watch and pray that you may not fall into temptation.'
Keep watch. Be vigilant. Temptation is everywhere. I am facing them all the more. God help me.
On the last day of her summer vacation, she ate halo halo...
Babaw pero yeah, I ate halo halo just today, thanks to my brother.:) It's not the simple street halo halo that I have been wishing to eat all summer long, but it's close enough.
Kasi before summer started I had been craving for halo halo. The heat gets to you...you must know how that feels, unless you've been staying too cooped up in the house for too long...anyway ayun, I remarked to several friends that I want to eat street halo halo. Yeah, for all I know I can just walk to chowking one of my visiting days to ust, but I did not want to, because I wanted street halo halo. If it's not that, then I'm not eating any.
So there. Months passed. I fixed my papers. I enrolled. We had duty. Still no halo halo anywhere. I kept on looking for it. But of course, since I am limited to these common places I am permitted to go to...well, I did not get what I want. Hahahaha.
And just when I thought I'd end my summer without it, my brother suddenly gave me one...yeah, it's a deliver from chowking, but okay...can't ask for something that's not there...so I ate happily.
Hahahahaha. Iba na talaga ang walang magawa. On other things...
Kanina nga puro ako You Tube, American Idol...ewan. I still think David Archuleta has more voice quality than David Cook, who's admittedly got more spazz than the former. Aww. But okay, I love them both anyway, so it's not so bad. Pero basta mas cute si Archie...and si Jason Castro, love the eyes and the dreadlocks...man...
Si Lebron may lungkot sa mata (parang kanta lang ah), hahaha...talk about having a dog like that...mukhang pitiful na sick...but I checked, and he's physically okay. Kanina ayaw kumain...so I literally fed him from my hand...so laway laway ng dog on the palm...eeewy, had to wash off three times to ensure cleanliness.
I am severely itching to mop the whole house floor. I am just waiting for my aunt to finish dusting and sweeping before I can get to work properly. Kahapon pa yan. Pending na nga yung mop, nalabahan ko na the night before...it's just hanging around there waiting. Hahahaha. Basta, hindi ako matutulog nang hindi ko nammop ang sahig.
At ang pinakaimportante sa lahat...I am anxious about my devotional schedule with the Lord (reading the Bible on a daily basis...which I hope to furnish into a solid habit)...since it's like eating. Sa lahat ng hirap akong magawa, ito na marahil ang pinakakalbaryo sa akin. Grabe ang temptations...which keeps me from growing daily. Katamaran, tulog, kain...dota...I hate it. My weaknesses are overwhelming. But it's not an excuse. (The Lord makes my feet the feet of a deer...sa Habakkuk ata yun...) Di ba to keep ourselves physically fit, we have to eat regularly and on time. Likewise, spiritual fitness comes from knowing God better on a daily basis through meditating on the word day and night. Ayan, sa Joshua nga pala un...
``This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth,
but you shall MEDITATE in it day and night,
that you may observe to DO
according to all that is written in it.
For then you will make your way prosperous,
and then you will have good success.''
- Joshua 1:8
With that, I feel that it is important to maintain that level of vigilance on reading the word daily, kahit na may pasok pa o may duty pa. It's always comfortable to be lazy, part of human nature yan eh. But I must fight that human nature. It's got to be a habit to go get my Bible and read. Parang ligo. I can't just take a bath once a year. To be able to grow in faith and wisdom, I must strive to get away from the usual droll of the day and find time to be with the Lord...read and understand the key to live forever, which is the Bible.
Oo nga naman. Everything around us dies. But only God lasts forever and transcends time. And he knowing the way to eternal life knows best in all that we do. Again, like in my other similar entry...It's not about me and these people around me. It's about my relationship with the Lord.
Sana talaga...no, let the Lord have his way with me...na hindi ako bibitiw sa spiritual growth dahil sa nursing career ko at the opening of a tougher semester.
Kasi before summer started I had been craving for halo halo. The heat gets to you...you must know how that feels, unless you've been staying too cooped up in the house for too long...anyway ayun, I remarked to several friends that I want to eat street halo halo. Yeah, for all I know I can just walk to chowking one of my visiting days to ust, but I did not want to, because I wanted street halo halo. If it's not that, then I'm not eating any.
So there. Months passed. I fixed my papers. I enrolled. We had duty. Still no halo halo anywhere. I kept on looking for it. But of course, since I am limited to these common places I am permitted to go to...well, I did not get what I want. Hahahaha.
And just when I thought I'd end my summer without it, my brother suddenly gave me one...yeah, it's a deliver from chowking, but okay...can't ask for something that's not there...so I ate happily.
Hahahahaha. Iba na talaga ang walang magawa. On other things...
Kanina nga puro ako You Tube, American Idol...ewan. I still think David Archuleta has more voice quality than David Cook, who's admittedly got more spazz than the former. Aww. But okay, I love them both anyway, so it's not so bad. Pero basta mas cute si Archie...and si Jason Castro, love the eyes and the dreadlocks...man...
Si Lebron may lungkot sa mata (parang kanta lang ah), hahaha...talk about having a dog like that...mukhang pitiful na sick...but I checked, and he's physically okay. Kanina ayaw kumain...so I literally fed him from my hand...so laway laway ng dog on the palm...eeewy, had to wash off three times to ensure cleanliness.
I am severely itching to mop the whole house floor. I am just waiting for my aunt to finish dusting and sweeping before I can get to work properly. Kahapon pa yan. Pending na nga yung mop, nalabahan ko na the night before...it's just hanging around there waiting. Hahahaha. Basta, hindi ako matutulog nang hindi ko nammop ang sahig.
At ang pinakaimportante sa lahat...I am anxious about my devotional schedule with the Lord (reading the Bible on a daily basis...which I hope to furnish into a solid habit)...since it's like eating. Sa lahat ng hirap akong magawa, ito na marahil ang pinakakalbaryo sa akin. Grabe ang temptations...which keeps me from growing daily. Katamaran, tulog, kain...dota...I hate it. My weaknesses are overwhelming. But it's not an excuse. (The Lord makes my feet the feet of a deer...sa Habakkuk ata yun...) Di ba to keep ourselves physically fit, we have to eat regularly and on time. Likewise, spiritual fitness comes from knowing God better on a daily basis through meditating on the word day and night. Ayan, sa Joshua nga pala un...
``This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth,
but you shall MEDITATE in it day and night,
that you may observe to DO
according to all that is written in it.
For then you will make your way prosperous,
and then you will have good success.''
- Joshua 1:8
With that, I feel that it is important to maintain that level of vigilance on reading the word daily, kahit na may pasok pa o may duty pa. It's always comfortable to be lazy, part of human nature yan eh. But I must fight that human nature. It's got to be a habit to go get my Bible and read. Parang ligo. I can't just take a bath once a year. To be able to grow in faith and wisdom, I must strive to get away from the usual droll of the day and find time to be with the Lord...read and understand the key to live forever, which is the Bible.
Oo nga naman. Everything around us dies. But only God lasts forever and transcends time. And he knowing the way to eternal life knows best in all that we do. Again, like in my other similar entry...It's not about me and these people around me. It's about my relationship with the Lord.
Sana talaga...no, let the Lord have his way with me...na hindi ako bibitiw sa spiritual growth dahil sa nursing career ko at the opening of a tougher semester.
Parang bitay hahaha
Oo. trash talk lang. Feel ko talaga na itong hapon na ito ang pinakamahabang hapon sa buong summer ko this year. I am ambivalent. Gusto na ayaw pumasok. Napanaginipan ko pa nga si Chloe na nangungulit ng photo shoot nang naka-smock pa ata ang RLE 2.*o* Hahahaha.
Yeah, excitement and fear...siguro nga natural lang yun. I'm excited to step out of the rut and get back to busying myself in another exciting semester with my friends. But I am honestly afraid of many changes which will happen in the senior year...God give me strength...aaaa.
So habang naghihintay ng ilang oras bago ang bitay- ahem, first day of class, ehehe- ito, naglista na lang ako:
Why I like to go back to school:
- every turn is exciting...boredom seems more prevalent at home than in the classroom
- meeting with friends every school day
- may allowance, come on!
- may chance na ma-excuse sa chores
- new stuff to learn
- new people to meet
- completion of cases to come
Why I don't want to go back to school:
- less sleeping hours
- less rights on tv, dvd watching and pc gaming
- restrictions on sketching and writing
- less gimmick time
- more chances of conflict with parents
- increased stressful days
- pref cards and green book signings
- i will miss home cooking
Ayun. Hindi pa nga ako naliligo eh. I just find it hard to face na magsschool na uli. I want to sleep as much as I want...I want to cook food for my fam...I want to draw whenever I feel like it...I want to write without being told that I can't...I want to bash scourges onscreen when I'm feeling the hype...I want...
Aw, fine. School day it is. Hay. @.@
Yeah, excitement and fear...siguro nga natural lang yun. I'm excited to step out of the rut and get back to busying myself in another exciting semester with my friends. But I am honestly afraid of many changes which will happen in the senior year...God give me strength...aaaa.
So habang naghihintay ng ilang oras bago ang bitay- ahem, first day of class, ehehe- ito, naglista na lang ako:
Why I like to go back to school:
- every turn is exciting...boredom seems more prevalent at home than in the classroom
- meeting with friends every school day
- may allowance, come on!
- may chance na ma-excuse sa chores
- new stuff to learn
- new people to meet
- completion of cases to come
Why I don't want to go back to school:
- less sleeping hours
- less rights on tv, dvd watching and pc gaming
- restrictions on sketching and writing
- less gimmick time
- more chances of conflict with parents
- increased stressful days
- pref cards and green book signings
- i will miss home cooking
Ayun. Hindi pa nga ako naliligo eh. I just find it hard to face na magsschool na uli. I want to sleep as much as I want...I want to cook food for my fam...I want to draw whenever I feel like it...I want to write without being told that I can't...I want to bash scourges onscreen when I'm feeling the hype...I want...
Aw, fine. School day it is. Hay. @.@
No excuses!!!
People who know me very well are aware of how I am when I am really angry. When I am pissed, I confront people. But when I am angry, I fall silent. After the height of anger subsides...that's when I seek out the person and engage in a conversation to clear the smokes.
Just now that's what's happening. He's doing it again!!! He's making me feel useless like he always does even without knowing it. I fixed shrimps for dinner. I cut off the sharps, the whiskers of the dead crustaceans...Moments ago I even walked to the store four blocks away to buy ginger despite the fact that I have three straight brothers more capable of night errands like that. I clear the kitchen, I wash the dishes they left off their meals (after all, she's (I mean myself) gonna wash it anyway, right because she can't stand the dirty kitchen).
Well that's okay. I know I'm not appreciated. But that's nothing, really...until he began to criticize everything I did. My cooking is not as traditional as his cooking, but that does not mean I'm doing it wrong. Well, who am I to say it...he's better at cooking, he's more responsible, he's more popular, he's more loved in the family, he's more recognized, more appreciated...and so yes, no matter how bitter I get here in this entry with my furious jealousy over everything this person is...he can blame me for my bad cooking. His is better anyway. So be it.
I hate it. I hate it. He's always much better than me and I hate it.
I could not speak. I had to fall silent and take control over my temper when he started to shout and lecture me. Oo, tanga na ko...yeah, using that word for me as always...oh, why does it still hurt me...tanga tanga tanga...what's in that word anyway, it's just a word constantly used by my family to describe me and everything I do. Hahaha.
After I cleared the sink quickly, I rushed to the room, beside my aunt. I told her how I felt.
"...he's not my father, dammit," I ended as I punched the letters on the keyboard.
She sternly reminded me, "It's not about you and him. It's about you and your relationship towards God."
And I had to clear my head of the anger to reinstate myself. Yeah, in everything...it's not about him. It's about God, whom I should please. I am a child of God and should always strive to act like one. In order to act maturely, I should not let emotions like this anger carry me off to the shores of rage and saying hurtful words and grumbling...simply because God isn't glorified with these tendencies...these acts. No excuses.
And I am made to think how easily we can be swayed by anger...and how it leads to sin. Anger in itself isn't a sin. Even Jesus, past his entry to Jerusalem on a mule, became angry with the moneylenders and vendors of livestock offerings loitering all around the temple, which was supposed to be sacred. He drove them out...which is justified. Mine clearly isn't.
"Lord, teach me to love others, as much as you would have me love them."
Just now that's what's happening. He's doing it again!!! He's making me feel useless like he always does even without knowing it. I fixed shrimps for dinner. I cut off the sharps, the whiskers of the dead crustaceans...Moments ago I even walked to the store four blocks away to buy ginger despite the fact that I have three straight brothers more capable of night errands like that. I clear the kitchen, I wash the dishes they left off their meals (after all, she's (I mean myself) gonna wash it anyway, right because she can't stand the dirty kitchen).
Well that's okay. I know I'm not appreciated. But that's nothing, really...until he began to criticize everything I did. My cooking is not as traditional as his cooking, but that does not mean I'm doing it wrong. Well, who am I to say it...he's better at cooking, he's more responsible, he's more popular, he's more loved in the family, he's more recognized, more appreciated...and so yes, no matter how bitter I get here in this entry with my furious jealousy over everything this person is...he can blame me for my bad cooking. His is better anyway. So be it.
I hate it. I hate it. He's always much better than me and I hate it.
I could not speak. I had to fall silent and take control over my temper when he started to shout and lecture me. Oo, tanga na ko...yeah, using that word for me as always...oh, why does it still hurt me...tanga tanga tanga...what's in that word anyway, it's just a word constantly used by my family to describe me and everything I do. Hahaha.
After I cleared the sink quickly, I rushed to the room, beside my aunt. I told her how I felt.
"...he's not my father, dammit," I ended as I punched the letters on the keyboard.
She sternly reminded me, "It's not about you and him. It's about you and your relationship towards God."
And I had to clear my head of the anger to reinstate myself. Yeah, in everything...it's not about him. It's about God, whom I should please. I am a child of God and should always strive to act like one. In order to act maturely, I should not let emotions like this anger carry me off to the shores of rage and saying hurtful words and grumbling...simply because God isn't glorified with these tendencies...these acts. No excuses.
And I am made to think how easily we can be swayed by anger...and how it leads to sin. Anger in itself isn't a sin. Even Jesus, past his entry to Jerusalem on a mule, became angry with the moneylenders and vendors of livestock offerings loitering all around the temple, which was supposed to be sacred. He drove them out...which is justified. Mine clearly isn't.
"Lord, teach me to love others, as much as you would have me love them."
Duty, enrollment, anticipation, reassessment.
Today I woke up later than my usual 4:40am alarm and arrived in the delivery room at almost eight in the morning. Yeah, late it is...but as soon as I was done with changing into my scrubs, my groupmates Tadz and Steph appeared in front of the doorway, apparently on their way to the enrollment proper which we all thought was scheduled for ten in the morning. In the name of super ultimate mega punctuality (and since we had a letter at hand to get us through the gates with guard bouncers, hahaha), we took our stuff and headed towards the seminary gym. It rained. Tadz was afraid that her hair might turn into a gremlin (in other words, magulo, hahahaha benta sa kin), so with love I let her hold the umbrella and share the dry sanctuary with Steph...I mean it's just a drizzle, so I did not see the need to really protect myself. The rain's a good washoff therapy for me as well, so I just let it fall on me...until we arrived at the gym and the rain turned to a trickle and poof...
We had to wait for a long time, since the coordinators were not in yet. Grr. But it was a great time for me, since I got to see my classmates after a long time...I was very ecstatic when I saw the back of my dear Yani among the crowd...with Glennis, Maja and Ja. I took the time to greet her and we had a chance to chat. She looked very refreshed...how I love this girl, hahaha. And there was also that thinned version of Ivan just two strides away from us in the crowd...I went over and gave him a greeting. He's such a lad...hahaha.
Since it was almost nine already and I haven't eaten anything, I took the waiting opportunity to go out and get something to eat, just across the entrance to the gym. Just before I did, I met Jordy, who by the way looked fantastic with her hair down just right (it was obsessively straight before due to the rebonding treatment) and her phase of muscle wasting (basta pumayat, hahaha). After we exchanged hugs...also with other classmates of ours, she agreed to come along with me to get my chow and enroll later on. While she ordered a drink for herself, I ordered ham and cheese sandwich...now usually I do not eat burgers, but this one's different. The bun was crispy like pan de sal...and the cheese was warmed just perfectly...enough to melt with the ham. And so I had no problem finishing it...downing it with half a can of pepsi just as the enrollment began.
The enrollment proper went smoothly for me...though there were minor problems with my account...kasi may overpay ata, something like that. Anyhow, it was resolved just as quickly as it came to me.
It was slightly difficult for me to part from Jordy. But I did...since I still had duty in the delivery room...though it was not the season for baby booming...it was babymaking season, so that'd have to wait for a few months more...hahaha. When I returned, KR just finished one case, which pleased me a lot. At eleven am, we had to part with the very impressive CI and eat lunch before going to our next area, which is the operating room.
Ed Cel, Katrina, Tadz, Steph, KR and I ate at the CD Caf. We rested for a while before going up to the fourth floor where we met the members of RLE 1. They were chatting merrily as predicted. Someone had a rhinoplasty just this summer...and she's happy about the improvement, hehehe. I was glad to see Jam. But I literally jumped from my seat when the thinness of my Ahia Jo came into picture- I just had a need to hug this guy, I soooo sooo missed him!!! And I felt happy that he had already completed his ten cases, along with his other group mates. Sigh also excited me...but I felt rather put out when KR, who was obviously her closest friend in class, did not even show a hint of pleasure in meeting her again. I pretended not to notice and just chatted happily with this crazy woman, hahaha.
Past the excitement of the reunion, KR and I resumed our three-day UBE. We shared some music, wrote Chinese characters...until three o' clock came and we just waited for the staff nurse to allow us to go. Speaking of which...seeing the staff nurse really made my heart jump...not because he's a papable, but because I consider him my nemesis.
*Background: During my first case in the operating room, he was the scrub nurse. The operation turned out to be a kidney transplant, which was considerably hard and unfamiliar, since the instruments used were not common. And because of these factors I was not able to move along with the team with confidence. While the surgeon was rather patient with me, this particular scrub nurse kept on bullying me in front of the team to the end of the procedure. Plus, while I was changing back into my uniform just inside the nurse's room, he sat with no less than seven of his co-nurses and began to criticize me, even saying, 'Teka, third year ba yun? Parang hindi nga nurse eh.' Worse, when I emerged, they stopped, knowing that I heard them talking badly about me. Wala naman akong laban. And with a first timer, that sure became a nightmare that stayed with me from then on.*
Anyway, itong nurse na ito, siya pala ang may handle sa min today...at mukhang hanggang next day. I became nervous, but when he addressed the students, he turned out to be something else...he acted like a kuya to us, speaking politely while giving us useful advice regarding the shift. When he left I did not know what to think...I slowly guessed that perhaps during my traumatic experience, I just met his frustrations that day with my minor case of inexperience. Or maybe he's just being nice to potential chikas, ndi kaya?? Hmm...Sigh warned us that he is fond of putting his arm over the shoulders of female student nurses.
But who cares? As long as he's nice...then I think I can handle facing him each day...and even perhaps get rid of my fear of my nemesis in him. Hahaha. Weirdo. I'm hoping for the best.
Past this encouraging experience, I took KR to San Mig Shop to buy Nestea apple and walked her to Espana gate so she could ride home. And then I met up with Maski, Kim and Paul. I asked Maski to accompany me to buy rice box on a whim. I dunno, but a feeling of sadness came over me there...and I needed to binge. When we came back, Kim had left...Paul said he got pissed.
We went to Tinoco park. While I ate my food, Paul told me his recent prospects and recent adventures in Batangas. I was glad for him, but I wonder if this is going to end up in another disappointment..? Hay, he's got his own mind, so I should let him decide on that, hahaha...obsessive.
While we were talking, I was also weighing whether I should give my prepared note to Maski or not...or not yet. Three is definitely a crowd and I was listening to Paul...so that left Maski without anything to do while sitting. I thought that maybe it was a good time to let him read my latest creation. But then again I thought that maybe it was too soon, since I haven't mustered up my courage to just give something so heavy to him. Of course there was the scared-to-be-rejected part of me to deal with, but then I decided to be real and to do as Anni would, so right then and there I pulled out my long white envelope from my folder in my bag and casually handed it to him. I'm sure he was already expecting it...since I gave him a preview the night before. I let him read while I listened to Paul...gave him important strategical advice for impressing his current prospect, hahaha. Feel ko talaga parang kapatid ko itong si Paul, so it made me feel happy for him to open up that way to me and also take time to listen to what I think of his affairs. I hit him in the face too hard though, I think...I seriously thought I owed him an apology.
Anyway, after a while, Maski was done with reading my piece. He seemed to like it, but I dunno...I wondered if it made him feel offended or anything bad...of course that's not part of my reasons for giving him such a note. I just wrote it and offered it out of love, since I really wanted to. He said his thanks, but...anyway, I just gave him a hug and went on chatting with the both of them as Paul went on playing psp (kids talaga, I thought). Suddenly, I realized I wanted siomai on a whim. At first Maski did not want that. I was not so sure if he partly meant that or what, so I kept on asking...but not in a makulit way, for fear that he might just get pissed. I waited until he decided to come along with me along Dapitan. I wanted us to share and eat merrily so I split a tray with Maski. Back in the park, we three ate...which for me was a moment to remember because for me, sharing meals has a significance...since if one eats with me on the same container, that just means he or she trusts me...that I would not put anything bad on his or her plate, something like that. Maski amused me so much...he kept fussing over me like I would fuss over my baby girl niece...or even Lebron. Hahahaha. Not that I minded at all...it made me feel special in a funny way, hahaha. Ano ba yan...
Anyway, I checked my watch. It was getting late...and I knew I had to go. Paul had to move along first, leaving me as Maski alone to take a walk. But along the way to the carpark, I just happened to noticed how I really got taller. So I mentioned it to Paul without sensing that Maski did not like that. I felt bad about being very insensitive to his feelings. But I could not forget the sting I felt inside when Maski swore aloud just as we crossed the street because of that. I know, I know...I should have not minded, it's his life, Anni...and you've no right...but...basta, fact is, I felt that way and I half-hated myself for even caring when I should not be putting my nose in other people's business. Like swearing. Maski apologized just as I distanced myself from him deliberately in an act of protest. But realizing my position, I reinstated myself quickly. Eh bits naman rin ako, kasalanan ko rin na naprovoke siya kasi insensitive ako. So ayun. At kahit ano pang close-close factor, whatever...buhay pa rin niya yun, not mine...
Later we had time to walk around. I even met a friend of his...dunno how to spell his name, but he's got this smile I would not forget...sahia took too long to reply, at nalobat pa ko, so kahit medyo hesitant ako, kinapalan ko na mukha ko at humiram ng cell kay Maski. Tawa naman ako nung umupo kami kasi nung nag-aasaran kami, parang nasabi kong, 'Dalhin mo lang ako diyan sa isang corner tapos banatan mo lang ako...kahit duguin pa ko ayos lang.' Nung una wala lang. When he emphasized the weirdness of that statement, I laughed, slightly grasping it...but it was when I was on my way home that I totally grasped the implication of what I actually said! Hahahaha.
Habang nagmumuni kami ni Maski, biglang dumaan ang kampon ni Sahia...I had to call him out to make him see me. He was suprised...turns out he was not looking at his cellphone. But I was safe. It was also a daring moment for me, since I was with Maski...a guy who is not even a familiar friend to him. But I chose to show my dear boy because I wanted to put a double underline on what it means for me to fight for my friends no matter what. Of course fighting does not necessarily mean having to cross swords, but for me what I just did...showing my bro that I was with this guy alone...I was rather scared deep inside, fearing he might tell my mother something, or he might tell me off later on...but he didn't- perhaps he respected me? Whatever ran in his mind, what is important for me is that I just chose to be true to myself and show off my friend Maskitot, since I pride on the sparm weil spirit...ah yeah. Hahaha.
Me and sahia said goodbye to our own friends and went off. We had small chats along the way. When we got home, the first thing I did was drop my stuff, charge my phone, then take a bath. It felt good. Later I ironed my clothes, ate dinner, continued ironing my clothes again (ngpause kasi nainis na si mama when I delayed my dinner, she hates that so much)...and then upo sa harap ng pc to quench a thirst for vipertripping...dota. Just one round with the AI gave me my fill...I got bored and wrote this blog...checked my mail, friendster...those things. I was rather disturbed with Maski's stat message when I tried to go online...I messaged him, but I think he's sleeping or maybe he doesn't want to talk with me...so I just sang him a weird lullaby (I really sang, hahaha insane weird saddy) before finishing this entry.
And now my back hurts...it's 10:26pm. I guess I better sleep. I have a case to prepare for by 7am. Hysterectomy...here I go...^^
Dead scared of Monday but with faith I can do it!!!
I am unable to get an early shut-eye tonight because I'm too jittery with tomorrow's completion duty beginning tomorrow morning. I know it's not even an unknown thing anymore to be in the delivery room, but I dunno...maybe because it's been a while, and sa totoo lang hindi naman kami na-expose masyado ng groupmates ko sa area na yun due to the lack of time then.
Pero yun na nga eh, just a thought- the fact that I'm getting jitters with tomorrow...that's an evident lack of faith on my part. I react as though I don't have a God who is powerful, whose mind is bigger than anything...who is...real. Yes...the only thing that's ever been real to me...the only thing I have been sure of all my life. Sabi ko nga sa blog slogan ko sa blogspot:
"You have a habit of saying that you hate God. But you can never mean it because he's the only thing you've ever been sure of."- from Anni to Peach (referring to my negativist side)
I have to agree. See, there were phases in my life wherein I would say I hate God for this and that...but I have to admit, most of those situations that I say this are my doing too. Blaming God for things I cannot do...that's just unfair. As for those situations I don't have control of...well, I just have to trust that He knows best.
I believe there is really no such thing in this world as coincidence. There are only choices on our use of free will...which result into either a bad or a good decision. All this constitute what we call...experience. Experience, which can certainly NOT be the best teacher, but can surely be the MOST CRUEL teacher one can ever have...hahaha- I can attest to that.
And tomorrow, regardless of what happens...it's an experience- a gift of another day to live for God...to be a light to others and to grow through life for Him.
I would like to share this very special realization that I had this summer vacation, the time when I had room to think again after a long long time...that since there is no such thing as coincidence and not one of us is a coincidence...that means each day we live through is given to us as decided by The Big Guy, the One who really calls the shots. Sabi nga niya, no sparrow falls to the ground apart from the will of the Father. Kung sparrow pinapansin niya nang ganoon, ano pa kaya ang tao, di ba?
And with that, every night that we would close our eyes and surrender ourselves to unconscious slumber and every morning that we would open our eyes to another conscious day...these are miracles. These are God-given miracles, gifts of one more day to live.
God can give life, and he can take it away as He will. And as He grants us another day in our lives, we can be sure that it means something according to His intricate plans.
When I had this insight one morning during the early days of April, I resolved to fix myself up and spend more time for Him. I had to remind myself that this life is not all about me- I'm not the hero, God is. He's not the one who needs saving, the helpless one is me. I had to readjust my view of the world and this life I'm living...that my highest priority in life should not be my family's survival, my love for writing, finding true love, or even nursing- these things don't last. I had to reinstate myself in enriching my relationship with the one God, my Savior Jesus Christ, who has given me his life...who has saved me by grace. And it is only through this loving grace that I am given something which transcends mortality.
I guess I had a lot of catching up to do when summer came for me this year because frankly, I got too busy with my school and house obligations to talk to God and actually spend time with him. I am still shaky with trying hard to keep up with my devotion to Him because I know that as I am human, I am easily swayed by temptations to choose not to spend time with him. But I have to develop the habit of reading the scriptures and praying...which help me a lot to grow through life. I am not perfect, and I am never gonna be perfect, but I want to grow...be better in each gift of a day that I owe to Him whom I fear and love the most.
So there. At isang oras na ang nakalipas. This blogging really helped me realize how I am to deal with this unnecessary fear...ayy...so here I go, Lord. What should happen tomorrow? Gawin niyo pong maaayos ang muling pagtatagpo ng RLE 2.
Ayy, sa totoo lang, miss ko na silang lahat. Ay...Si Lorenz shoti na makulit at mahilig magsalita with big arm gestures, natural speaker (remember Awiyao...yahahaha, joke...) at leader na nagpapakatotoo, I respect him...si Chloe na magulong mataray, masayang kasalo kumain sa duty kasi mahilig sa pagkain, at may pa-photo session pa ang magaling, aw yeah, talentado talaga, I believe...si Joshua na natural na maloko, patawa, at pasimpleng emo (at flirt kay...), hahaha...peace! Si Tadz na magulong girlaloo, madam bully sa amin (yabang, abusive pero chika lang pala, hahahaha), at kikay queen ng grupo...kaso nagpapa-bun pa yan^^, hahaha...si Steph na pretty spongky, hahaha...masayang kachika (makuwentong bruhang ito), hahahaha...kumusta na kaya ang kanyang lablayp? hehe...share! Si Alex na gorgeously pranka, laging game kaya pwedeng pwede maging cheerleader ng kung anumang kuponan, at certainly the most beautiful face in class in my opnion, at least...si Ed Cel na ka-tandem ni Joshua sa mga chika at chikas (???) at ang so far title holder for the hottest gentleman (take note of the italics!!!) in the rle group and the class (uy, seryoso yan^^)...si Kathe na mahirit (lalo na sa bukod-tanging ka-labtim na magsasaka), hahaha...sigang pranka, at maraming ikkuwento sa amin for sure, ayyy nakooo magsalita kaaa *hugs hugs*...si KR na dinaig pa si Ed Cel sa kapayatan, nako late bumati ng happy birthday sa kin, ano ba hahahaha, at hindi ko na-miss, yah right...ndi, matakaw yan, nako, discreet lang...kakain na naman kami bukas, at makikita ko na naman pala ang curly writing niyang maliit...aaaa...XP Si Jayson, ang pinakamalandi sa rle group, matakaw na lokaret talaga, nakoo...at ang pinakamagandang 1/2 friend ko na nalalaro pa ang isip kung miyembro nga ng pederasyon.:) At ang anakis ko na si Daryll, ang predictably magiging magaling na nars sa future...mabait, nurturing, pasensyosa...mapagkakamalang terror ito pag nag-CI in my opinion, kasi mahilig manaranta, mataranta, nako, certified patient advocate...:P
Ayy, nakakamiss talaga...kahit mahirap ang dinaranas...basta.^^ Faith, pare...faith lang...makes my feet the feet of a deer, sabi nga ni Habbakuk at ni David...>.<
Hmm...Loord...aaaa. Guide my hands tomorrow...well basta ba pleasure Mo, sige lang, magpapaanak ako...and again, I pray my two most important prayers:
Lord, help me love you as you would have be love you. Help me love others as you would have me love them.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Duty here I come!!!XP Aw yeah!!! Hey, yo, let's go fight!!! Good night!
Pero yun na nga eh, just a thought- the fact that I'm getting jitters with tomorrow...that's an evident lack of faith on my part. I react as though I don't have a God who is powerful, whose mind is bigger than anything...who is...real. Yes...the only thing that's ever been real to me...the only thing I have been sure of all my life. Sabi ko nga sa blog slogan ko sa blogspot:
"You have a habit of saying that you hate God. But you can never mean it because he's the only thing you've ever been sure of."- from Anni to Peach (referring to my negativist side)
I have to agree. See, there were phases in my life wherein I would say I hate God for this and that...but I have to admit, most of those situations that I say this are my doing too. Blaming God for things I cannot do...that's just unfair. As for those situations I don't have control of...well, I just have to trust that He knows best.
I believe there is really no such thing in this world as coincidence. There are only choices on our use of free will...which result into either a bad or a good decision. All this constitute what we call...experience. Experience, which can certainly NOT be the best teacher, but can surely be the MOST CRUEL teacher one can ever have...hahaha- I can attest to that.
And tomorrow, regardless of what happens...it's an experience- a gift of another day to live for God...to be a light to others and to grow through life for Him.
I would like to share this very special realization that I had this summer vacation, the time when I had room to think again after a long long time...that since there is no such thing as coincidence and not one of us is a coincidence...that means each day we live through is given to us as decided by The Big Guy, the One who really calls the shots. Sabi nga niya, no sparrow falls to the ground apart from the will of the Father. Kung sparrow pinapansin niya nang ganoon, ano pa kaya ang tao, di ba?
And with that, every night that we would close our eyes and surrender ourselves to unconscious slumber and every morning that we would open our eyes to another conscious day...these are miracles. These are God-given miracles, gifts of one more day to live.
God can give life, and he can take it away as He will. And as He grants us another day in our lives, we can be sure that it means something according to His intricate plans.
When I had this insight one morning during the early days of April, I resolved to fix myself up and spend more time for Him. I had to remind myself that this life is not all about me- I'm not the hero, God is. He's not the one who needs saving, the helpless one is me. I had to readjust my view of the world and this life I'm living...that my highest priority in life should not be my family's survival, my love for writing, finding true love, or even nursing- these things don't last. I had to reinstate myself in enriching my relationship with the one God, my Savior Jesus Christ, who has given me his life...who has saved me by grace. And it is only through this loving grace that I am given something which transcends mortality.
I guess I had a lot of catching up to do when summer came for me this year because frankly, I got too busy with my school and house obligations to talk to God and actually spend time with him. I am still shaky with trying hard to keep up with my devotion to Him because I know that as I am human, I am easily swayed by temptations to choose not to spend time with him. But I have to develop the habit of reading the scriptures and praying...which help me a lot to grow through life. I am not perfect, and I am never gonna be perfect, but I want to grow...be better in each gift of a day that I owe to Him whom I fear and love the most.
So there. At isang oras na ang nakalipas. This blogging really helped me realize how I am to deal with this unnecessary fear...ayy...so here I go, Lord. What should happen tomorrow? Gawin niyo pong maaayos ang muling pagtatagpo ng RLE 2.
Ayy, sa totoo lang, miss ko na silang lahat. Ay...Si Lorenz shoti na makulit at mahilig magsalita with big arm gestures, natural speaker (remember Awiyao...yahahaha, joke...) at leader na nagpapakatotoo, I respect him...si Chloe na magulong mataray, masayang kasalo kumain sa duty kasi mahilig sa pagkain, at may pa-photo session pa ang magaling, aw yeah, talentado talaga, I believe...si Joshua na natural na maloko, patawa, at pasimpleng emo (at flirt kay...), hahaha...peace! Si Tadz na magulong girlaloo, madam bully sa amin (yabang, abusive pero chika lang pala, hahahaha), at kikay queen ng grupo...kaso nagpapa-bun pa yan^^, hahaha...si Steph na pretty spongky, hahaha...masayang kachika (makuwentong bruhang ito), hahahaha...kumusta na kaya ang kanyang lablayp? hehe...share! Si Alex na gorgeously pranka, laging game kaya pwedeng pwede maging cheerleader ng kung anumang kuponan, at certainly the most beautiful face in class in my opnion, at least...si Ed Cel na ka-tandem ni Joshua sa mga chika at chikas (???) at ang so far title holder for the hottest gentleman (take note of the italics!!!) in the rle group and the class (uy, seryoso yan^^)...si Kathe na mahirit (lalo na sa bukod-tanging ka-labtim na magsasaka), hahaha...sigang pranka, at maraming ikkuwento sa amin for sure, ayyy nakooo magsalita kaaa *hugs hugs*...si KR na dinaig pa si Ed Cel sa kapayatan, nako late bumati ng happy birthday sa kin, ano ba hahahaha, at hindi ko na-miss, yah right...ndi, matakaw yan, nako, discreet lang...kakain na naman kami bukas, at makikita ko na naman pala ang curly writing niyang maliit...aaaa...XP Si Jayson, ang pinakamalandi sa rle group, matakaw na lokaret talaga, nakoo...at ang pinakamagandang 1/2 friend ko na nalalaro pa ang isip kung miyembro nga ng pederasyon.:) At ang anakis ko na si Daryll, ang predictably magiging magaling na nars sa future...mabait, nurturing, pasensyosa...mapagkakamalang terror ito pag nag-CI in my opinion, kasi mahilig manaranta, mataranta, nako, certified patient advocate...:P
Ayy, nakakamiss talaga...kahit mahirap ang dinaranas...basta.^^ Faith, pare...faith lang...makes my feet the feet of a deer, sabi nga ni Habbakuk at ni David...>.<
Hmm...Loord...aaaa. Guide my hands tomorrow...well basta ba pleasure Mo, sige lang, magpapaanak ako...and again, I pray my two most important prayers:
Lord, help me love you as you would have be love you. Help me love others as you would have me love them.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Duty here I come!!!XP Aw yeah!!! Hey, yo, let's go fight!!! Good night!
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