I feel that I have to watch my heart. Biblically speaking, the heart is indeed deceitful. Recently, I came to realize that I am very susceptible to unnecessary affections. I don't like that. I am aware of it, and I believe that I ought to treasure and protect my friends by being true to them. It is not good to go beyond what is must. It's a weakness that I have to look into and surrender everyday.
Yes, I am hoping Lord, that you will enable me to keep my friendships intact by giving me virtues to solidify my integrity. I love You first and I will always want to glorify you in all I can. Ay Lord, I love you... nothing beats the relationship I have with You. Even in the darkest night, You are with me and You're all I ever need.
Panic or Lack of Trust?
I feel anxious. As usual, like an eager frequenter of the back seat, I find myself attempting to take the wheel from the Lord in this journey called life. When troubles arise or when I find myself feeling powerless in the midst of problems and hopelessness, I struggle more than ever in trusting God and just sitting comfortably behind His will.
Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.
I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!
Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.
I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!
A Disparity Issue
Question: If you're a born-again Christian, is it (strictly) forbidden (discouraged or prohibited) to marry a Catholic?
Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?
Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.
It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.
Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.
On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.
The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.
So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.
Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.
Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)
Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.
Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.
God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).
A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.
Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?
Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.
It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.
Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.
On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.
The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.
So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.
Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.
Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)
Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.
Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.
God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).
A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.
Change of heart
Very recently, despite having no more room for open sentiments, I had tear-flooded sessions with the Lord (as of this time I think he's the only one who makes me cry). And silence. I wonder why sometimes God does not seem to talk back when I need him to talk sense to me. Especially now that I'm going through another transition in my life. I can't seem to figure out what to do next, but I am being taught to trust in him to lead me on...
My aunt says it's okay to have silence sometimes. I read that from Yancey too. There really is a lull in every relationship. God holds a mirror in front of you to reflect on your current status in these moments... my aunt confirmed that. But my faith dims when I hear nothing from God...guess it's the human tendency... or maybe that's a misinterpretation of how I severely long for him, dreadfully miss him in his temporary 'absence.'
Speaking of faith...sometimes my short-sightedness gets the best of me... I hope not this time, not much this time... I can only take so much...
God is showing me a very big scar in my heart. Yes, I recently seem to give people the impression that I am strong, and they tell me a lot that I am such a strong person who seems to have a good grip on herself...I dunno if that's mostly good, but I know and God knows so well that I have my weaknesses to deal with. I praise God for the strength he gives me... the grace he offers freely despite myself. And part of that process, I am seeing a scar... closely related to my male figures in the family.
I feel helpless about my relationship with them, like a part of myself is missing in me because of this deficiency in filial love. I feel frustrated not being able to bond with my brothers. I feel sad over the fact that I long to tell my older brother how I love him and how I appreciate him for taking care of me in place of my father for most of my life, but I hold back because we are not brought up to be that close. I feel broken over the situation that I wish to go home and see my father there to greet me with an occasional yummy dinner, but no, I have to make these one-a-week visits to have some dinner and talk business with him, then leave him there to go home to my mother and my brothers.
I don't understand it. I can confidently say that I hold no more anger against my father, but why this heartache... and where did that word come from..?
...
This weekend I was given the time to think about it. I rode a bike around the neighborhood of my older folks and felt the wind against me... I felt like flying and being one with nature... for a moment, I felt the simplicity of existence. For a brief moment I was given the chance to reflect on my life. I went back to the realization that indeed, nothing lasts in this world. Everything- house, family, food, career, romance... they all go down the drain at one point in time. I was reminded of the tragedy that struck Japan, and thought of how easily things can be gone in an instant. It doesn't really matter... Ecclesiastes' first lines put it perfectly, 'meaningless, meaningless!' Everything is indeed meaningless because it is temporary.
But one thing counts- my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one who matters to me. He is forever. He transcends this dying world. So I thought... the truth is just so simple, and life does not have to be so complicated. Only Jesus matters in this life. Everything else may perish, but His word stands forever. So all I got to do is just take it easy. Work, and just go on living as a normal human being should, but take it lightly and see long-range... my ultimate life goal is not of this world, but on the next. As for the matters of the heart, ah... also temporary, whatever. I don't mind much anymore if I do have a husband- I'm not alone anyway.^^
Oh Lord. I want a piece of your mind. I want to relish in your wisdom and wonderful being.... I know I will never understand your mind, but give me what you will. And thank you for your love- more than any form of knowledge, that's all I need! I love you!
My aunt says it's okay to have silence sometimes. I read that from Yancey too. There really is a lull in every relationship. God holds a mirror in front of you to reflect on your current status in these moments... my aunt confirmed that. But my faith dims when I hear nothing from God...guess it's the human tendency... or maybe that's a misinterpretation of how I severely long for him, dreadfully miss him in his temporary 'absence.'
Speaking of faith...sometimes my short-sightedness gets the best of me... I hope not this time, not much this time... I can only take so much...
God is showing me a very big scar in my heart. Yes, I recently seem to give people the impression that I am strong, and they tell me a lot that I am such a strong person who seems to have a good grip on herself...I dunno if that's mostly good, but I know and God knows so well that I have my weaknesses to deal with. I praise God for the strength he gives me... the grace he offers freely despite myself. And part of that process, I am seeing a scar... closely related to my male figures in the family.
I feel helpless about my relationship with them, like a part of myself is missing in me because of this deficiency in filial love. I feel frustrated not being able to bond with my brothers. I feel sad over the fact that I long to tell my older brother how I love him and how I appreciate him for taking care of me in place of my father for most of my life, but I hold back because we are not brought up to be that close. I feel broken over the situation that I wish to go home and see my father there to greet me with an occasional yummy dinner, but no, I have to make these one-a-week visits to have some dinner and talk business with him, then leave him there to go home to my mother and my brothers.
I don't understand it. I can confidently say that I hold no more anger against my father, but why this heartache... and where did that word come from..?
...
This weekend I was given the time to think about it. I rode a bike around the neighborhood of my older folks and felt the wind against me... I felt like flying and being one with nature... for a moment, I felt the simplicity of existence. For a brief moment I was given the chance to reflect on my life. I went back to the realization that indeed, nothing lasts in this world. Everything- house, family, food, career, romance... they all go down the drain at one point in time. I was reminded of the tragedy that struck Japan, and thought of how easily things can be gone in an instant. It doesn't really matter... Ecclesiastes' first lines put it perfectly, 'meaningless, meaningless!' Everything is indeed meaningless because it is temporary.
But one thing counts- my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one who matters to me. He is forever. He transcends this dying world. So I thought... the truth is just so simple, and life does not have to be so complicated. Only Jesus matters in this life. Everything else may perish, but His word stands forever. So all I got to do is just take it easy. Work, and just go on living as a normal human being should, but take it lightly and see long-range... my ultimate life goal is not of this world, but on the next. As for the matters of the heart, ah... also temporary, whatever. I don't mind much anymore if I do have a husband- I'm not alone anyway.^^
Oh Lord. I want a piece of your mind. I want to relish in your wisdom and wonderful being.... I know I will never understand your mind, but give me what you will. And thank you for your love- more than any form of knowledge, that's all I need! I love you!
The toughie is blushing
I never thought that I would swoon to an offering of fries and a window seat...
Of course I had to pretend that it did not affect me in any way. Why does that person have to be so good in speaking, so sincere, so blunt and yet so nurturing?
Ah, but that's not part of the plan. Focus! Nothing of that. Haha! But I guess in terms of romance I have yet to know myself really well...
Finished team building today with other teachers. But let's see what happens next week on the side of work...
Tired and listless. I wonder why...
Of course I had to pretend that it did not affect me in any way. Why does that person have to be so good in speaking, so sincere, so blunt and yet so nurturing?
Ah, but that's not part of the plan. Focus! Nothing of that. Haha! But I guess in terms of romance I have yet to know myself really well...
Finished team building today with other teachers. But let's see what happens next week on the side of work...
Tired and listless. I wonder why...
random stuff
Repairing my relations with God. I'm such a bad kid. But I am going to cling to God's grace and change daily... better and better. If I stumble, gonna dust off and just go forward still... Lord, strengthen me to keep going despite my imperfections. I know I can because I know you ARE. I love you so much and nothing, not even y intellectual foolishness, can keep us apart.
Still wondering where I'm headed for. But I am being taught to trust God and be patient... it's times like these that I easily fall to sin, having nothing to do but wait on God's perfect timing. I'm not gonna make my own disasters anymore...hopefully. Oh Lord, I shall patiently wait.
Thinking about my heart...did I overcook it in the fires of fear and resentment? I hope not. I feel that my heart may have turned into stone at some points... that I fear letting people too close now... that I merely show a portion of myself and not really a big part to most people... I wonder if I'm already doing that as a result... being too protective of myself, paranoid, too defensive... wag naman sana, as it can cease my relational growth with other people who might just need me as much for the same reason...
Drawing a lot. Artline 200 fine 0.4 dancing over oslo sketch pad does wonders.
Met with two friends today and ate breakfast over at mcdo. First time to eat egg mcmuffin...not bad... but here's what I think... listening is indeed a tougher skill to master compared to talking... I do have a high regard for people who really, really can... on a side note, super turn on ang pagiging magaling na two-way communicator sa isang lalake.
Flamingo-frost pink toenails... nice.:)
Still wondering where I'm headed for. But I am being taught to trust God and be patient... it's times like these that I easily fall to sin, having nothing to do but wait on God's perfect timing. I'm not gonna make my own disasters anymore...hopefully. Oh Lord, I shall patiently wait.
Thinking about my heart...did I overcook it in the fires of fear and resentment? I hope not. I feel that my heart may have turned into stone at some points... that I fear letting people too close now... that I merely show a portion of myself and not really a big part to most people... I wonder if I'm already doing that as a result... being too protective of myself, paranoid, too defensive... wag naman sana, as it can cease my relational growth with other people who might just need me as much for the same reason...
Drawing a lot. Artline 200 fine 0.4 dancing over oslo sketch pad does wonders.
Met with two friends today and ate breakfast over at mcdo. First time to eat egg mcmuffin...not bad... but here's what I think... listening is indeed a tougher skill to master compared to talking... I do have a high regard for people who really, really can... on a side note, super turn on ang pagiging magaling na two-way communicator sa isang lalake.
Flamingo-frost pink toenails... nice.:)
The Second Canvass (part 2)
I never want to sink too low under the quicksand. Never again.
This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.
But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.
And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.
This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.
But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.
And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.
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