Two days off

I was not at home from Sunday morning to Tuesday night. I was not out on a vacation trip, though. I was mingling with my cousins and going to prayer meetings with them. Seriously.

Anyway I'm still not clear as to why this had to happen. Of course most of you know that I do not consider myself a devout Roman Catholic anymore. I want to be called a Christian instead, since that is all that matters. Maybe God allowed me to go to these meetings because he wanted me to highlight the importance of salvation as an individual objective, not a membership guarantee. I'm still not clear about it, but I have faith that it means something for me to join my cousins in digging deeper into our relationship with God.

On other things...recently I played Sims 2, and I had much fun at it. My character Anni Wild is a single intern and a hopeless romantic who always wants to get a Woohoo with her co-workers. I tried to flirt, buy a good double bed, throw parties and even try to let Anni make out with one of them...but unfortunately, I haven't succeeded in giving her any. Hahaha. Anyway, the downside/challenge of this Sims version is that the characters grow old in a given number of days. At bitin ako kasi doon sa pc ng pinsan ko naka-save, so game progress will have to wait.^^

I know it's out of my character to say this, but having seen how my cousins' family talks before bedtime...well, I want that too. :) For the first night I did not join them, but on the second night I sat up with all of them and told them a very hilarious embarrassing experience I had last year...a secret which only three people knew about. They were all laughing in tears, especially my uncle who likes these kinds of stories. Hahahaha. It was a fine closure for me as well, since it's an experience which I think I haven't really laughed about and accepted until this storytelling moment. Maybe one day I can even post it here when I'm ready to share this blessing of laughter with my friends.

I watched two movies during Monday night- Sailor Moon and The Myth. Sailor Moon was predictably a cliche, duh...halfway through the movie I was already thinking, "Why am I watching this?" But then it's good for the bonding moment- with chips and green mango dipped in sugar, so it's not so bad. The Myth is something different...and definitely more complex. I had been wanting to watch it, and I had my chance then. The two ladies in the movie are just beautiful. The whole story wasn't so clear to me, so I had to do my own research of the plot the following day.

Despite all the joys of Sunday, I felt a deep sadness erupt within me with the realization that my father never really replied to any of my text messages...he called me a source of his headache two days prior to this. He disappoints me over and over. I wish I'd stop being so gullible and just never hope for anything from him again...but I cannot help but somehow believe in the things that he says he wants to do...that he loves me even though I am useless to the family. Lies...lies...ah, and it was good that I was able to tell my uncle about this...he reminded me of the more important things...

And then again, I realize just now that I have so much things to tell...to record here. But I have to divide them according to date.

Bisperas. My ups and downs.

I just spent the entire afternoon watching fun homo flicks care of super junior...hahaha. Shane kasi eh. Ayos lang naman, since we had fun at it anyway. The fascination still lingers in me like the aftertaste of my bro's experimental carbonara in my mouth, which we had today for late lunch.

I'm very happy that she's here...she's the only one who makes me feel good that I am a biological female. She shows me the good side of being a girl...which had me feeling butterflies for hot guys at youtube vids and comparing notes with her...and freaking out with a high-pitched squeal and living room dancing episodes (which even surprised my mother, who's not used to seeing her boy/girl daughter doing that). :)

Sana next time after her enrollment ipa-kidnap uli siya sa kin ng nanay niya, hahaha. Masyado kasing miss ng tatay kaya ayun, hindi pwedeng matagal na away from home. Maybe one day when I already have a job and my own place...

Ayy, ayy...here's a beautiful picture of my limerent object...Heechul! He's so beautiful to look at- even I have to question his gender sometimes, hahaha. Yeah, he's just a beautiful face...and a singer...and a dancer...and an actor...ok, ok, stop. Hahaha. I'm enjoying myself. Anyway...

Playing baseball, tennis, bowling and golf at Wii Sports yesterday gave me a slightly sore arm today. Nothing stressful, but it feels good to find something fun to do indoors in my house arrest while I'm waiting for the perfect time to plan my day outs with my friends.

I'm not in the mood...I feel like I'm losing my touch with writing. I feel like everything around me is either cracking down or disintegrating. Distractions are everywhere, but the greatest will always be me and my overthinking self...preoccupying her mind with ideas, from what to cook for dinner to what my life's gonna be after ten years.

For two days my head was running with the thought of me thinking too much! Now that I see it, I think it is quite weird of me to be killing time with that...useless activity which realize that I have a habit of. At dahil doon hindi na naman ako nagtetext sa mga tao...I just want to be alone in the comfort of loneliness. But I know I have to shake this off and get on with my social life again...hahaha. Maybe after my phone is recharged...

I am not supposed to feel sad anymore, having resolved and settled my issues with my friend Maski, whom I'm sure I've abused mentally because of contemplation overdose. I am happy about it- no question with that. But...ayy, ayy...*shakes head* I am feeling deeply sad over the way my mother pressures me now for some arbitrary problems I play a role at but have no control of. I am confused with my father who is obviously not doing anything about it when he has all the keys to solving the present problems and freeing me from this periodical misery.

I already told my mother how bad I feel about this tendency of hers to put the blame on me for something that I have no power to change (at least for now since I still have limitations). But it seems like it doesn't come through her...and this still happens on occasion. Fighting will only worsen the situation, so I just take whatever she throws at me and get on with life again and again.

And like with most of my very stressful situations...sometimes when the pressure exceeds my threshold, I just use the many many ways to rechannel stress. Like house cleaning, when tears can easily mix with sweat drops and sniffling can easily be mistaken for mild dust allergies. Like long sits in front of the pc, when watery eyes is understood as an effect of eye strain. Like taking siestas, when the feeling of psychological strangling is momentarily halted with a good embracer. All these and more...seem effective enough for me to get over lots of stress quickly.

I hate being pressured both ways by my mother and my father. I don't enjoy it one bit (who does), especially when they always make me feel like my favor leans more towards the other...they question my loyalty to them. Ma thinks I'm for my father...my father thinks anak ako ng ina ko. That's the thing with parents, you know? When they love you for something you do, they call you their own...they claim you and take credit for it. But when you cause a blunder, or you fall out of grace in their eyes, they disown you...the inconsistency disgusts me. No wonder lots of kids fail to believe or even receive the message of care which their parents find so hard to transmit.

But then again, it is up to the kids to strain everything their parents say, especially in the case of inconsistent parents. For years I believed that my mother did not love me at all, since she has a knack at verbal abuse...and it was later that I realized that most of what she said was crap, even for her- she didn't mean most of the insults she hurled at me. Hahaha. Well, at least I still got the message...better late than never, hehe.

Ok, I am feeling sleepy. I think I may need to get over this by lying down for a while. And I still have a phone to charge...

Btw, before I go- I have to say that this is the birthday that I yearn to be away from home. I just want to go out...but how do I tell my mother when she's under so much stress? *sighs*

Don't ask me how I am...because you of all people should know because you caused it.

But you don't. Or maybe you just don't give a sh*t because your nerves are that numb from too much lidocaine you use to cover up for your own mistakes.

I woke up at 729 am...just a minute before my cell alarm sounded off to start my day. The sun was shining and my aunt was sleeping beside me...it seemed like a lovely day, but my body felt like it was restrained by lead suits. I only got up thirty minutes later to take a bath, lest I change my mind about going to my scheduled appointment with my dentist. It's been two months.

Ma evidently woke up at the wrong side of the bed...she was testing my patience again. Or maybe she's just that mean. Hahaha.

I arrived at 1030am, thanks to my uncle who offered to take me to the dentist. The rubber replacements are tougher than ever. I have to remind myself not to eat anything tough for the next few days...lest I want to suffer. Dr. Meg says it's gonna take only three days at most, but I'm not buying it. I say it'll take five. But even then...she's so sweet and therapeutic...either she's sincere or she's just darned good at using the 'technique.' Hmm...

Papi seems to be in a whole load of trouble lately...Ahia told me he's been wandering off from work, which is sooo out of character for him, and contemplating on stuff. Maybe he feels different. Is he dying? I don't know...but I wouldn't joke about it. I contacted him this morning...he says he's at Jollibee tenth ave. Why would he be there? I tried calling him thrice. He called back later. I offered to see him. He refused, though I was pressing it.

Tsk, tsk...men. So full of pride. Papi can be so cheerful when we're together, but he's easily the proudest person I know. I told him that. He laughs at me especially when I turn serious. How attentive can he get? Regardless of that, I wish he'd see a doctor with me. He needs a specialist, and I know just the man to talk to. It's going to be easy, as long as those people would not keep him from making his own decisions, such as asking help from 'that helpless daughter of his.'

Visiting Shane, Alain and David was great. Their father, my Diku, is such a nice guy...I can't ask for a better uncle like him. He's reasonable, kind and can give good advice. He's such a blessing to his kids.

While staying there at the dead zone with them, I was hoping I could eat noncommercial halohalo without pinipig in the hot afternoon. It's been an unresolved craving for weeks and it can help numb my aching gums from the rubber strength. I was waiting for it...until I fell asleep there while watching Ah My Goddess with Alain.

I took Shane home with me...with the blessing of the parents, of course (and Shane's delight). My cellphone buzzed with messages from hours before. I just woke up then from a deep sleep, so I was not really in the mood to talk to anyone, not even my companions.

Later, we had great conversations over tinola as I returned to the real world. While I was left to fix the kitchen mess, I had a blunder. Half of my pants got wet. I forgot that my cellphone was in my right pocket where I got soaked really bad...when I realized it, five minutes had already elapsed.

Maybe that's why the lights were blinking later when I checked it. Blaize233 has been serving me well, especially through my moments this summer. Strange, but while I was trying to correct the blinking lights, tears brimmed in my eyes as I was filled with a feeling of hopelessness. Bakit ba kahit anong gawin ko, may mga bagay na sadyang nasisira? Lahat ba ng bagay nakatadhana nang masira at mawala nang tuluyan? I'm not questioning the presence and control of God in every situation, but why...I feel very sad and I cannot deny it. My mind can only will my heart to be strong...to not give in to tears for fear of a moment's weakness...to stand firm and think clearly with a sure grasp of reality...because I need to hold myself together when everything around me is falling apart.

Anyway, anyway...slumber party with Shane, my most beloved cousin...but I think we'll be needing shades and suntan because overindulgence with hotties can surely burn. *fans self after watching guys tear their shirts off when it was supposed to be a joke* Hahaha.

Ten things about Peach (Part2)

Yeah, I did write an entry about this last year... http://wildcard07.blogspot.com/2007/04/ten-things-about-peach.html

I wanted to write a sequel in the name of my 7 last days as a 20-year old. Hahaha. This is what happens when I'm on house arrest. Hahaha. Let's see what I come up with...

Ten things: You'd be surprised to know that Peach...

10) ...is not fond of burgers.
Hamburger, cheeseburger, hotdog burger...I'd have the fries instead. I'd rather eat the bread and the meat separately- not served in the typical burger form.

I have to add here that I am also not that fond of pastries, although I would not mind a choco doughnut occasionally. Plain bread is better for me most of the time.

9) ...has never gone inside Star City.
I wonder when my first time will be. Hahahaha.

8) ...had been chased around by three rabid stray dogs two years ago.
I used to have no fear with dogs. But after this...hahaha. Ironically, we have a dog...si Lebron, whom I grew to love naman, thankfully.

7) ...cannot swim below 6 feet of water to save her life.
Since my near-drowning episode in Subic when I was 14 (which caused no less than three weeks of post-traumatic stress), I fear the deep waters. I feel more contented and happier staying on my feet. But last summer was rather challenging...I swam through seven feet after I was taunted by my brothers and my cousins...but not without shaking and panicking in fear (they pushed me in my unguarded moments!).

6) ...is recently infatuated with Mark Sayers McGrath.
I know Sugar Ray's been around since 1992, but I only noticed this guy in their Mr. Bartender video. It was from my friend Julie that I found out his name. Hahaha. Currently he's hosting The Search for The Next Doll...and he's the primary reason why I first watched that show. Hahahaha.

And the good news is...he's not gay. Yey me!^^

5) ...has never cooked a perfect sunny side up.
I tried again this afternoon, and all I got was my type of egg (scrambled sunny) and frustration. Hahaha. (I'll write a brief separate entry for this trial.)

Maybe one day...

4) ...never counts her menstrual cycle.

Fine, it may be part of my complex gender denial, but I only take on the red days as they come. Perhaps I believe that the anticipation just hurts me, haha. I don't even have a prep kit for it (you know, those little bags of extra undies and napkin for emergency purposes, which most typical girls have).

Well thankfully in my 6 bloody years (68 months in my calculation) this lack of concern has never gotten me in serious trouble (public disgrace in particular)...other than the occasional splatter...and that one time I had a stain on my white nursing uniform.*gasp* Hahaha.

3) ...lost four pounds this summer.
While most bumming people my age would gain instead, I was surprised to know last week that I lost four pounds. My standard is 120lbs. My heaviest record is 121lbs. Postoperatively I weighed 112lbs. Around February I weighed 116lbs. Around March I was at 118lbs. As of today Anni weighs a surprising 114lbs. Talk about effortless dieting...but I swear I've been binging!

2) ...counted her existing moles today.
Last count waaay before was 17. Today I did a thorough count before taking a bath (yeah, that's another result of my boredom) and came up with an unexpected figure of...guess what! 41. Anni is a field of moles! Hahahaha.

1) ...occasionally forgets that she's lost her appendix.
There are a few instances...it's weird I know. There was this one dinner away from home when someone served tomatoes in toyomansi. I was carefully removing the seeds, thinking that I might get appendicitis. And then I remembered that...Anni, you just had an appendectomy!

Another instance is while I was chasing down Lebron right after dinner. I slowed down, warning myself that I might get appendicitis. And I had to remind myself...hahaha. Silly Peach.

7 days to my birthday

Yeah, I'm counting. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but regardless of that, I think I am experiencing prebirthday sentiments. Reflecting on my life, I feel sad about the things that I missed and the mistakes that I made.

But well, I did grow a lot past all that hardship. I am happy I have been given 21 years of chance to grow, and constantly I am still breathing, so I know I still have a lot of growing to experience. For that, I thank God. It is a miracle in itself that I am still able to write this entry...I am alive, I realize. Despite the many chances that I could lose my life...well, I am still here.

I've mentioned my failures in life...mistakes and missed opportunities...which made me grow. From that, I recall one aspect of my life which I'm sure I've had a lot of success in- my quality friendships.

I know I cultivate friendships in the most unlikely places. It's exciting, scary...but it brings a lot of joy in my life to touch lives with others who had seemed so far from me. It gets even more rewarding to be part of other worlds through them. My endless walks and pointless adventures led me to most of my friends belonging to this category. When two people clash in this random world and experience a leap of faith in one another...I call that a miracle.

Of course I will never forget my old friends whom I've grown old with...those people whom I've known since I was in preschool, in grade school or in high school. They are exceptional miracles for me...that even very long times apart could not separate our mysterious bonds with one another. Despite my growing number of great friends past my SJ years, I always find myself going back to them amidst our busy college lives. I used to wonder what made my relationships with them so special. I will always remember that instance when someone answered that question for me, when one of them, si Osmond, said, "Lumaki tayo sabay-sabay...hindi biro yun."

And that was enough for me to smile and realize that fact which holds us together so deeply to this day. Walanghiyang mga bata talaga...hahahaha.

I hope to spend my first days with them as an official young adult. Hahahaha. Yey. Yeah, things change constantly...and I believe some of them just get better and better each year. :)

Feed me, feed my phone, feed my heart

Tonight I had one memorable dinner. Ma and I worked together in the kitchen, slicing vagetables and chicken to make one good afritada. It's been a while since we've had this dish. It's also been a while since my mama talked nicely to me, four weeks! Ayyy, the warmth of being treated like same old, same old...yep, it feels good...great! And like the chicken dish, it tasted...very very palatable.

Yeah, it's been a very fruitful day. Out of a whim I decided to do my laundry today right after I left the bed. I was rather eager to finish...and when I did, I felt unusually proud of myself...beaming at the row of fresh-smelling clothes hanging lazily all around me, dripping in the summer heat of the afternoon.

I completed the armor collection in Megaman x5. I was very frustrated, yet so fulfilled after defeating 1 more boss to the end stages where the zero virus has spread. Hay. But I really had to pull myself away from the controller, since I was already fuming and raking my hair again and again out of frustration through the next stage. Grrr. Maybe another day. To cool my head, I turned to Tom and Jerry...it's a good episode wherein Tom tries to catch Jerry using a How to Catch a Mouse manual. It's a classic...kept me unusually joyful. Hahaha.

On the flip side, I was having trouble day 3 with my sun network. And the timing's really bad, because my globe sim just ran out of load, totally cutting off my mobile connection.T.T

Sun-to-sun texting consumed my regular load despite me having loaded unlimited texting for a whole month- malinis yun, successful loading...come on, where's justice- and customer satisfaction- in there? Yeah, yeah they all say, "Kasi sun nga yan, kaya ganyan." But it doesn't have to be that way. I can take the occasional "eclipses" that meet me when I need to call someone through this network, but this I simply cannot overlook- I lost more than fifty pesos of regular load because of this!

And so, believing that I still have rights to uphold even in such a bad country, I promptly dialed for customer service (I came through after about 8 calls) and asked for help. Thankfully the people who received me were nice. They came up with a report for me and told me to monitor my phone for 2-3 days for the returning of my mistakenly consumed regular load. And while I was still talking (this time about safe loading and fluctuating signals in the locality, the call was cut off...guess why...

It's due to that 15-minute limit, hahahahahaha. (or was it a scheme to...) OK, OK...very efficient customer service hotline. Hahahaha. I'm such a difficult consumer. But I AM a consumer, so they should notice my complaints. *evil laugh from the woods*

Anyway I didn't call back anymore...it wouldn't connect again (what do you know...hahahaha). I'm just happy I filed my complaint. Hmph. :) I felt so accomplished. Now I'll just wait and see what happens.

And now...my heart fed upon some lovely quotes I found somewhere around here...join the club^^ Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.

Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.

With you I lose myself. Without you I find myself...wanting to be lost again. Days of absence, sad and dreary,
Clothed in sorrow's dark array, -
Days of absence, I am weary;
She I love is far away.
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau You left, and my heart is a ceaseless sermon of loneliness. ~Jaesse Tyler

When all is said and done, you are part of me. That's the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. I believe the reason that you and me were brought together was because we complete one another. We fill in each other's missing spots with love. And if someday God decides to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason. Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it.

Two dreams, one call, and a project

Today I woke up at eleven am. Not much has changed on my time of snoozing...deep down I'm getting bored. I hate the routine. But I'm even thankful I have a routine to follow...or else I'd be really stagnant! Grrr.

Funny how I can find time to write about my boredom. While most people care to find something interesting to write, I scribble in even this. Pathetic. Hahaha. But yeah, I must be that desperate. And sick. Hahaha. And laughing about it, so I must be really sick.

And so I am given time to wonder about stuff...and they are, thankfully, worth keeping here for the record:
A dream or two:

Two nights ago I dreamed that I was out in a busy foreign city (I think it was New York), looking for someone. I was wandering on a bridge, noisy with the afternoon traffic jam. People kept stopping me by saying hi. Some of them kept telling me that someone was looking for me, but I hastily moved on, saying that I was looking for someone.

Yesternight I dreamed that I met this beautiful young child with soft brow-black hair, beautiful eyes, and a wide smile. I was scheduled to take her out somewhere in the morning. I remembered she was wearing a white shirt that reached to her knees. Her mother was trying to help her get dressed for our walk, but she was too talkative and to ecstatic to concentrate. She was obviously too excited to see me. She kept clinging on to my pants.

We went out to the streets, bought stuff, and went back to their condominium. All the while the little girl was talking to me, from the house, to the van, to the streets, back to the van, then the house. Meanwhile, the little girl went up ahead with her mother. I followed them. Just then I realized that the girl's name was familiar.

I talked to the mother about it, and she laughed, saying that I should have realized that the little girl's name was...Anniline Teng.

I said goodbye and thank you, but not before the little girl heard me. She ran to embrace my legs really tightly and cried. She didn't want me to go. I sadly tried to ignore her wailing, saying I had to go...until I woke up.

An unearthed project:

I had time to rethink my project last time on sociology....about my future family life. Honestly I cannot picture myself as a good mother...or at least as a mother. Hahaha. Maybe I'm not meant for the job. Maybe...

But suppose I become a mother, I'd make sure that my kids get equal treatment and discipline. They will all learn house chores. I'll teach them all to cook my favorite adobo. We will all have time for devotional readings. I'll set up a billiard table and a basketball court at home to make sure they have an opportunity for sports. I'll time the hours they spend in front of the tv and the pc. I'll expose them to music early on. They will sleep on time. Their bedrooms will have no distractions- no tv, pc...not even a bookshelf. They will study in a Chinese school like I did...

But of course that will have to start with a good choice of biological father. Since I believe all guys are natural headaches, I'll have none of them. And since I believe I can do much better than most guys, I think I can do well as a single mother...so to prevent unnecessary baggages and damages I'll just pay him off and ask him to donate some healthy sperm to me (verifiable only by a series of lab tests and physical exams) and I'll throw him out when I'm through with him. Then he can find his women. Hahahaha. *evil cackle*

OK, OK, I am THAT bored...

Never mind...I'll call it a night. Other than Paulo's call this lunchtime (which really made me joyful), this day just wore me out with too much thinking. I got busy doing nothing. Shoot me. Hahahaha.