the feeling that you are always on the bottom list of everyone around you... the feeling that it doesn't matter to anyone whether or not you're there... that the world can go on peacefully without you right there for them...
the backseat occupant is someone who is never needed. in a car, all you need is for the front seat occupant- yes, the driver- so the car will run. even if the backseat occupant is not present, it doesn't matter. the driver can still keep running the engine without any whims. after all, the backseat person can even be a disadvantage...or if the occupant is not there, well...everything is still on operation... nothing to worry about. for delightful companionship, the passenger's seat is open... the seat next to the driver... that's a fine, fine position to be in.
however i try to deny it, i feel so sad because of this state...i realize i am always the backseat occupant in everyone's lives. the people around me don't care. hmmm how i want to be topsomething on people's lists... the one they would remember when they have some good or bad news.... some crazy whim or some food to eat...some story to tell... but nowadays i realize, i have fallen to this belief that wherever i go in this world, i am just the last thing on everyone's mind. people especially forget when they are too happy. recently, people around me have been receiving really good news...and i noticed how they also pass me by after that...no hearty greetings, no dinner invitations, no sincere questions of "how are you?" and not even hello that is not just being polite...especially this time when i desperately need a lot of friends beside me...nobody's really there...of course i have a lot of friends, but nobody was really present to take the time to check...or did i fail to notice that i never mattered to anyone in the first place? a few people told me, don't feel that way, you're important... but the message i receive with their actions are, "you don't matter. i don't think you're important. i don't need you." i am sensing it might have a lot to do with my love language...i treasure quality time and words, so i get equally disappointed when i am hit in the same method. i don't know. i am messed up with this thinking. maybe i believed too much, expectd too much... or did i get dragged by lies that i can be on anyone's passenger's seat?
the fact remains that i feel like the perpetual backseat occupant and that it's nobody's fault. i cannot expect, cannot ask, cannot request...i cannot complain because nobody is perfect. nobody can ever really know this. i was the fire...now i am the invisible wind. maybe it's a seasonal thing...whatever. i am alone. Lord, why is this happening? i feel hurt. but i know, You have my cure for this secret loneliness...give me that please...so my holidays will be good and i can go back to caring more about the people around me, even from the backseat.
(free verse) lost
How you move my heart so much...
How you move me so easily...
And even if I don't like it,
I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...
But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...
But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.
I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.
And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You
How you move me so easily...
And even if I don't like it,
I frown in delightful protest
And dive into your arms...
But you don't know because maybe you don't want to know...
I don't know... maybe you don't love me anymore...
But why do I feel like you've taken my heart in your hand...
And you can squeeze it 'til I cry...
But if I should cry, I would...
But not in front of you...
If it would hurt you.
I will love you, smiles, and laughter,
I will take you, tears and all...
I will embrace your brutal frankness,
Your gentleness...
Everything about you... I accept.
And if you really don't feel the same,
I will... fall away and accept
That I lost...
You
note of acceptance
My heart is breaking,
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...
You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,
I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him
I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style
You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise
It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.
I'm catching my breath,
I am falling, sinking,
To my next death...
You closed the door
So gracefully
I shouldn't love you anymore
So finally,
I am saying goodbye
To this beautiful dream
My love's a bitter lie
You're not him
I should let go
Feigning a smile
Walk away and grow
Step away in style
You will never see
Within these eyes
You will always be
My heart's sunrise
It is not enough
To be your friend
But I will take it enough
For I am your friend.
i got my answer, and it's better than none
you are right... now is not the time, Lord... i should hide my mind and move away. i have to stop wanting something that is not mine... he is not interested anyway, and i totally get the point. and thank you for giving me such a good friend. that is better than nothing, right... so as to the question of to tell or not to tell... yeah, i got my answer finally... and it's sad, heartbreaking, but happy at the same time that it's easier to take because the answer is given. also, it's better and more merciful than none. personally i prefer this better than none. it's much friendlier.
but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...
submit to God and say thank you.
but the art of letting go leaves to be done on my part. wake up, stop hoping in the subconscious, and move on to the real world. he's not interested. you must follow this... stop living in your dream like yesterday. learn and learn well...
submit to God and say thank you.
so, so, so sad
i am sad... no, it's not because of anyone. it's because of something i hoped for but never came. i thought it was my solution but no.
so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.
i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.
i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.
so sad... i feel so useless and stagnant with this situation. what do i do... exactly my problem- what do i do to solve this? for now i have no answer but sleep. but right now i feel queasy and i can't relax, so my eyes are open although i am really tired.
i am going to stop this now. lord, help me... tell me what to do, you're my boss for life.
i have limits and you don't. you know where this is going right... then encourage me and take my hand so you can lead me there.
to tell or not to tell...
I remember that time when we argued about our misunderstanding. You left for a weekend trip as I spent the days thinking about how to cover up my emotions so you couldn't see how sad I really felt. I thought I had to cover up because you told me that you didn't want me to be sad because of you. On the day we had met again, I acted like you were nothing special to me. It's more peaceful that way, I thought. But you reacted and told me how strange this was...and how you did not like this. My walls crumbled as I told you of my intentions...and how much I missed you.
Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...
You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)
But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!
OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*
Right now I am given a lot of time to think... and think. I miss you, you know... but I don't know how to tell you, or if it is even right to tell you about it. I am not sure of how to act around you, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when I do tell you that I really, really miss you now, that my memories of you are so wonderful, that you make me feel so loved and precious, even from a distance of about 3000km away...
You are so lovely... it's like your beautiful mind is my private wonder world... and I don't mind getting lost in it... is it right to tell you all this? In such a short time, I know our relationship is very special... and I don't want to ruin anything by overdoing things... like telling you how I feel... (God help me... how do I throw this off...)
But you did tell me that I should just tell you anything at anytime, even just through the internet. I remember this. But... I am just worried that you might feel differently, that I may become overconfident, or worse, a distraction to you... God forbid!
OK, OK... I guess 'overcontemplation' is really my habit. Grrr. *frustrated*
Loneliness is a good acquaintance, but never a lifelong friend
I'm awfully lonely today. It's as if I fell down in a fluff of loneliness and I just want to stay under... don't want to face the world, don't want to get up from this sad comfort...
Can anyone find me here before I muster the strength to get back on my feet and carry on? I am not sure... it seems like I woke up from a beautiful dream... well yes, it's beautiful, but that's just it- it's just a dream.
The dream is that I met a lot of wonderful people who took the time to understand and know my mind. The dream is that I spend a lot of good times and bad times with them. The dream is that I found lifelong friends- brothers and sisters whom I shared emotions and stories with. The dream is that I found my first love and I had a lot of memories with him. The dream is that I found exceptional souls who cared about what I had to say and did not mind if I thought too much all the time and said too much at times. The dream is that I got crazy with them and nobody said I was doing it wrong.
Dreams... maybe that's all they are meant to be.
I had to say goodbye and get on with reality without them. That's why I am sad. I find it hard to accept that those precious moments are meant to stay in the fantasy world somewhere... that my world is quiet again without them making the noise...
I pray that I'll be able to get up and... as my brother had told be before... find happiness in other things...
Project MESS-
Recently some friends of mine inspired me step beyond the yellow line... kinda like those "police line do not cross" yellow tapes plastered all around some crime scene in some forensic series. And I am the trespasser that dared to go across...
Here's what I learned so far.
First, it is true that the forbidden things bring pleasure. Man's nature it is. But it's only for the short term, mind you... CS Lewis was right when he expressed his thoughts about man being too easily pleased, giving in to short-term pleasures without seeing the bigger picture. Easy to decide, easy to fade...such is the attribute of most worldly pleasures. And the trouble with some of these pleasures is that... they have the dangerous potential of eating us up, consuming us...making some stray too far and become oblivious to the difference of right and wrong (and I am defining this in the biblical sense, not what the world dictates).
Experience is indeed an expensive course. It is effective for learning, but it is very costly. I think it's not all worth it. After all, some experiences are just... overrated? Hmm. Leaves a lot for curiosity, but I think this is way better than finding out the hard way. (Lord, how do I tackle this? Lead the way for this crazy woman...)
It is important not to trust people too much, because people change like everything else in the face of this balding planet. Maybe today your friend tells you he's gonna be there... but tomorrow, he'll be absent in the significant occasions of your life... which may leave a hole of disappointment in your heart. True, trust is essential, but there are exceptions and we ought to weigh matters with utmost care. I think there is much mercy and kindness exerted when people discourage promise-making... by this, people are not burdened sick by some impulsively set chalkmark in the unpredictable timeline of life. Hope for the best, some people may say- but the risk is too much if it is with people, and not from God who is the only faithful One.
Apologies are not always required when mistakes occur. Sure, as a courtesy, we say sorry... but I think I've overdone this on several occasions. Sometimes, the sorry part is not so significant as the resolution of moving on to the right path... or making up for it. Saying sorry zooms more into the mistake- a good plan for improvement focuses on going one step higher in one's personal development, at the very least. As DX said, "Don't sing it- bring it!"
Decisions must come not only from the mind, but also from the heart. Two years back I had a painful experience of feeling rejected, and I think this unconsciously intensified my logical personality as a defense mechanism to prevent future episodes of hurt. Yes, using the head is good in a lot of decision-making, but not in the absolute sense. My skepticism has served me well, but in the process of numbing myself and putting my heart at habitual rest, I robbed myself of the thrills of being essentially a crazy human being, wired by God with feelings. It took an intense emotionally-wracking experience to break this...tendency of mine. I learned then that in experiencing the fullness of life, emotions are not always disposable... they are even required. We generally do not say "I think happy..." rather, we say, "I feel happy." Right? More importantly, in praising God and being honest with Him in my private confrontations, do I not need the bare human expressions to utter my glorious shouts and cries to him?
Besides, Jesus even cried... 'nuf said.
OK, this is it for now... gotta sleep! So tired of thinking... Good night!
Watch That Heart
I feel that I have to watch my heart. Biblically speaking, the heart is indeed deceitful. Recently, I came to realize that I am very susceptible to unnecessary affections. I don't like that. I am aware of it, and I believe that I ought to treasure and protect my friends by being true to them. It is not good to go beyond what is must. It's a weakness that I have to look into and surrender everyday.
Yes, I am hoping Lord, that you will enable me to keep my friendships intact by giving me virtues to solidify my integrity. I love You first and I will always want to glorify you in all I can. Ay Lord, I love you... nothing beats the relationship I have with You. Even in the darkest night, You are with me and You're all I ever need.
Yes, I am hoping Lord, that you will enable me to keep my friendships intact by giving me virtues to solidify my integrity. I love You first and I will always want to glorify you in all I can. Ay Lord, I love you... nothing beats the relationship I have with You. Even in the darkest night, You are with me and You're all I ever need.
Panic or Lack of Trust?
I feel anxious. As usual, like an eager frequenter of the back seat, I find myself attempting to take the wheel from the Lord in this journey called life. When troubles arise or when I find myself feeling powerless in the midst of problems and hopelessness, I struggle more than ever in trusting God and just sitting comfortably behind His will.
Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.
I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!
Currently my father stopped giving me monetary support, just like that. He withdrew his support just because he wanted to. I think it is too sudden and somewhat unfair, but what can I do? I can just accept this change and trust God more than ever to help me survive and grow in the process. Maybe this is a chance for me to learn money management- budgeting.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that maybe I can be more helpful to my family (and myself) by looking for a job with a much higher salary. I am looking at the call center industry for this. Of course it's a boring but practical option, but the point is, it pays a lot more than my current job. This idea must be a sign of panic in me. I have to admit that I am not used to poverty. It sounds bad, but it is true. In addition to that, I think that the most pathetic experience in the world is hunger and that one of the saddest situations is an empty fridge. I don't want to suffer these things. Maybe that's why I am finding it hard to accept this new and strange adjustment. The truth came to me in full blow just this evening. Just a few days past my 24th birthday, I have to work or else I won't have my own money to spend. I will go hungry and be a bumming adult, jobless and useless. I can almost hear my mother insisting that I should not be thinking of such complications of life yet, that as long as she's there and we're together I don't need to panic or hurry in earning my keep. She is a very caring mother, but I guess this is one thing she finds hard to understand in me. I do feel a strong obligation to be independent as fast as possible so that I would be less of a burden to her as a daughter.
I am keeping my feet planted firmly right where I currently am in this stage in my life, just because I choose to trust God to know better than me. I am perplexed with how things will unfold beautifully from this point...but yeah, I have my hands tied. I am trusting the Lord. Ang hirap! But that's it! God help me!
A Disparity Issue
Question: If you're a born-again Christian, is it (strictly) forbidden (discouraged or prohibited) to marry a Catholic?
Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?
Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.
It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.
Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.
On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.
The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.
So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.
Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.
Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)
Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.
Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.
God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).
A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.
Answer: (from the top of my head) It is very much discouraged. (To say that it is forbidden is bordering on legalism.) Now assuming that the question above is referring to Roman Catholics, I think this is an issue of disparity which should never be taken lightly, especially as Christians, since we are well aware that we are not only dealing with contracts, but more importantly we are risking our Christian faith with a worldly matter- that is, marriage. Note that I used the word risk. It is a heart matter...it exposes the answer to the questions: Where does your heart truly depend on? Who or what are your priorities?
Now I do think that the Roman Catholic Church has its own regulations when it comes to the topic of marital union, particularly in the case of disparity of worship. The RCs also discourage such relations. Its members also believe that such decisions compromise the chance for a healthy family relationship- if not at the time, perhaps as time goes by.
It is true that everyone has different circumstances, and maybe marrying a Roman Catholic might be a 'divine intervention' as with the case of Homer (Hosea and Gomer love team, haha)- but do let me say that it's an entirely different (and perhaps isolated) matter. God ordered Hosea to act. Now as for situations these days, commonly it's not that way. Remember that everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. So yeah, maybe some minister would agree to marrying such couples (which I am skeptical of)- but at what price? The risk of divorce gets higher in such case, of course.
Let's simplify things and be more realistic. "Love" isn't enough to keep a marriage healthy- remember that like everything else, it's hugely a God issue as well! So without the relationship of a couple to the Lord, it just won't work wonderfully. I know some exceptions may exist (though I personally haven't encountered one), but for the general crowd, this is probably the case.
On a funny note, shout out ko lang: Kung yun ngang same-belief couples nagkakaluko-luko pa ang pagsasama, what more sa hindi parehong pananampalataya, hehehe.
The reason why we have the guide of the Word is to minimize the risks in life decisions like marriage. I think we ought to pay heed and use these guidelines wisely to our advantage- to faithfully grow and grow closer to God... to undrerstand Him more by following...trusting that He is wiser, His ideas are the best, and we just ought to obey Him and let Him lead us to safe waters.
So what of the couple's relationship? In the first place, the couple-ness should not have been formed, and I believe generally God would not give peace to the Christian party, even at the early stages. They ought to break it off and ideally the Christian party should initiate- with love and gentleness, nevertheless. He or she must make the reason clear: God comes first in all of life's decisions. He must be our first consideration.
Besides, if he or she really loves the other party, he or she will let the other go with the idea that God will win the non-Christian party through the best means, not by some compromised intervention which might even do damage to His perfect plan. Also, letting go enables both parties to grow without some untimely complications. If the love is indeed genuine, friendship will prevail, regardless of disparity of faith. Again, there are exceptions, but I have yet to see one, so I'll zip it.
Of course above all, prayer is very important in settling certain matters. God will talk. But the crazy half of the couple must willingly HEED...:)
Also, stubbornness has its hateful consequences, so the longer aa Christian brother holds to his decisions (in this context), despite receiving word that it's not parallel to God's word, the harder it will be for both him and the non-Christian party.
Cheesy note: Loving does not always mean holding on. Sometimes it means letting go.
God let you have your free will, your parents let you play in the real-life arena, now let the 'blind' beloved go and see how blessings unfold in her life (as God reaches out to her).
A grave thought: Perhaps (knowingly) marrying a non-Christian may actually be a form of idolatry, as it involves unwittingly putting self-happiness as top consideration (over God). No matter how "noble" our intentions are ("I'll win her" kind of b.s.), it does not justify the real consequences of such a big compromise in our faith. Ultimately, everyone loses here.
Change of heart
Very recently, despite having no more room for open sentiments, I had tear-flooded sessions with the Lord (as of this time I think he's the only one who makes me cry). And silence. I wonder why sometimes God does not seem to talk back when I need him to talk sense to me. Especially now that I'm going through another transition in my life. I can't seem to figure out what to do next, but I am being taught to trust in him to lead me on...
My aunt says it's okay to have silence sometimes. I read that from Yancey too. There really is a lull in every relationship. God holds a mirror in front of you to reflect on your current status in these moments... my aunt confirmed that. But my faith dims when I hear nothing from God...guess it's the human tendency... or maybe that's a misinterpretation of how I severely long for him, dreadfully miss him in his temporary 'absence.'
Speaking of faith...sometimes my short-sightedness gets the best of me... I hope not this time, not much this time... I can only take so much...
God is showing me a very big scar in my heart. Yes, I recently seem to give people the impression that I am strong, and they tell me a lot that I am such a strong person who seems to have a good grip on herself...I dunno if that's mostly good, but I know and God knows so well that I have my weaknesses to deal with. I praise God for the strength he gives me... the grace he offers freely despite myself. And part of that process, I am seeing a scar... closely related to my male figures in the family.
I feel helpless about my relationship with them, like a part of myself is missing in me because of this deficiency in filial love. I feel frustrated not being able to bond with my brothers. I feel sad over the fact that I long to tell my older brother how I love him and how I appreciate him for taking care of me in place of my father for most of my life, but I hold back because we are not brought up to be that close. I feel broken over the situation that I wish to go home and see my father there to greet me with an occasional yummy dinner, but no, I have to make these one-a-week visits to have some dinner and talk business with him, then leave him there to go home to my mother and my brothers.
I don't understand it. I can confidently say that I hold no more anger against my father, but why this heartache... and where did that word come from..?
...
This weekend I was given the time to think about it. I rode a bike around the neighborhood of my older folks and felt the wind against me... I felt like flying and being one with nature... for a moment, I felt the simplicity of existence. For a brief moment I was given the chance to reflect on my life. I went back to the realization that indeed, nothing lasts in this world. Everything- house, family, food, career, romance... they all go down the drain at one point in time. I was reminded of the tragedy that struck Japan, and thought of how easily things can be gone in an instant. It doesn't really matter... Ecclesiastes' first lines put it perfectly, 'meaningless, meaningless!' Everything is indeed meaningless because it is temporary.
But one thing counts- my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one who matters to me. He is forever. He transcends this dying world. So I thought... the truth is just so simple, and life does not have to be so complicated. Only Jesus matters in this life. Everything else may perish, but His word stands forever. So all I got to do is just take it easy. Work, and just go on living as a normal human being should, but take it lightly and see long-range... my ultimate life goal is not of this world, but on the next. As for the matters of the heart, ah... also temporary, whatever. I don't mind much anymore if I do have a husband- I'm not alone anyway.^^
Oh Lord. I want a piece of your mind. I want to relish in your wisdom and wonderful being.... I know I will never understand your mind, but give me what you will. And thank you for your love- more than any form of knowledge, that's all I need! I love you!
My aunt says it's okay to have silence sometimes. I read that from Yancey too. There really is a lull in every relationship. God holds a mirror in front of you to reflect on your current status in these moments... my aunt confirmed that. But my faith dims when I hear nothing from God...guess it's the human tendency... or maybe that's a misinterpretation of how I severely long for him, dreadfully miss him in his temporary 'absence.'
Speaking of faith...sometimes my short-sightedness gets the best of me... I hope not this time, not much this time... I can only take so much...
God is showing me a very big scar in my heart. Yes, I recently seem to give people the impression that I am strong, and they tell me a lot that I am such a strong person who seems to have a good grip on herself...I dunno if that's mostly good, but I know and God knows so well that I have my weaknesses to deal with. I praise God for the strength he gives me... the grace he offers freely despite myself. And part of that process, I am seeing a scar... closely related to my male figures in the family.
I feel helpless about my relationship with them, like a part of myself is missing in me because of this deficiency in filial love. I feel frustrated not being able to bond with my brothers. I feel sad over the fact that I long to tell my older brother how I love him and how I appreciate him for taking care of me in place of my father for most of my life, but I hold back because we are not brought up to be that close. I feel broken over the situation that I wish to go home and see my father there to greet me with an occasional yummy dinner, but no, I have to make these one-a-week visits to have some dinner and talk business with him, then leave him there to go home to my mother and my brothers.
I don't understand it. I can confidently say that I hold no more anger against my father, but why this heartache... and where did that word come from..?
...
This weekend I was given the time to think about it. I rode a bike around the neighborhood of my older folks and felt the wind against me... I felt like flying and being one with nature... for a moment, I felt the simplicity of existence. For a brief moment I was given the chance to reflect on my life. I went back to the realization that indeed, nothing lasts in this world. Everything- house, family, food, career, romance... they all go down the drain at one point in time. I was reminded of the tragedy that struck Japan, and thought of how easily things can be gone in an instant. It doesn't really matter... Ecclesiastes' first lines put it perfectly, 'meaningless, meaningless!' Everything is indeed meaningless because it is temporary.
But one thing counts- my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one who matters to me. He is forever. He transcends this dying world. So I thought... the truth is just so simple, and life does not have to be so complicated. Only Jesus matters in this life. Everything else may perish, but His word stands forever. So all I got to do is just take it easy. Work, and just go on living as a normal human being should, but take it lightly and see long-range... my ultimate life goal is not of this world, but on the next. As for the matters of the heart, ah... also temporary, whatever. I don't mind much anymore if I do have a husband- I'm not alone anyway.^^
Oh Lord. I want a piece of your mind. I want to relish in your wisdom and wonderful being.... I know I will never understand your mind, but give me what you will. And thank you for your love- more than any form of knowledge, that's all I need! I love you!
The toughie is blushing
I never thought that I would swoon to an offering of fries and a window seat...
Of course I had to pretend that it did not affect me in any way. Why does that person have to be so good in speaking, so sincere, so blunt and yet so nurturing?
Ah, but that's not part of the plan. Focus! Nothing of that. Haha! But I guess in terms of romance I have yet to know myself really well...
Finished team building today with other teachers. But let's see what happens next week on the side of work...
Tired and listless. I wonder why...
Of course I had to pretend that it did not affect me in any way. Why does that person have to be so good in speaking, so sincere, so blunt and yet so nurturing?
Ah, but that's not part of the plan. Focus! Nothing of that. Haha! But I guess in terms of romance I have yet to know myself really well...
Finished team building today with other teachers. But let's see what happens next week on the side of work...
Tired and listless. I wonder why...
random stuff
Repairing my relations with God. I'm such a bad kid. But I am going to cling to God's grace and change daily... better and better. If I stumble, gonna dust off and just go forward still... Lord, strengthen me to keep going despite my imperfections. I know I can because I know you ARE. I love you so much and nothing, not even y intellectual foolishness, can keep us apart.
Still wondering where I'm headed for. But I am being taught to trust God and be patient... it's times like these that I easily fall to sin, having nothing to do but wait on God's perfect timing. I'm not gonna make my own disasters anymore...hopefully. Oh Lord, I shall patiently wait.
Thinking about my heart...did I overcook it in the fires of fear and resentment? I hope not. I feel that my heart may have turned into stone at some points... that I fear letting people too close now... that I merely show a portion of myself and not really a big part to most people... I wonder if I'm already doing that as a result... being too protective of myself, paranoid, too defensive... wag naman sana, as it can cease my relational growth with other people who might just need me as much for the same reason...
Drawing a lot. Artline 200 fine 0.4 dancing over oslo sketch pad does wonders.
Met with two friends today and ate breakfast over at mcdo. First time to eat egg mcmuffin...not bad... but here's what I think... listening is indeed a tougher skill to master compared to talking... I do have a high regard for people who really, really can... on a side note, super turn on ang pagiging magaling na two-way communicator sa isang lalake.
Flamingo-frost pink toenails... nice.:)
Still wondering where I'm headed for. But I am being taught to trust God and be patient... it's times like these that I easily fall to sin, having nothing to do but wait on God's perfect timing. I'm not gonna make my own disasters anymore...hopefully. Oh Lord, I shall patiently wait.
Thinking about my heart...did I overcook it in the fires of fear and resentment? I hope not. I feel that my heart may have turned into stone at some points... that I fear letting people too close now... that I merely show a portion of myself and not really a big part to most people... I wonder if I'm already doing that as a result... being too protective of myself, paranoid, too defensive... wag naman sana, as it can cease my relational growth with other people who might just need me as much for the same reason...
Drawing a lot. Artline 200 fine 0.4 dancing over oslo sketch pad does wonders.
Met with two friends today and ate breakfast over at mcdo. First time to eat egg mcmuffin...not bad... but here's what I think... listening is indeed a tougher skill to master compared to talking... I do have a high regard for people who really, really can... on a side note, super turn on ang pagiging magaling na two-way communicator sa isang lalake.
Flamingo-frost pink toenails... nice.:)
The Second Canvass (part 2)
I never want to sink too low under the quicksand. Never again.
This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.
But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.
And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.
This second canvass offers a lot more than the pleasure of a second chance to start over. It requires a lot of responsibility and care on my part. Also, it begs for tender care...not that I'm being negatively rough- I have to watch myself and be more cautious in every action I take in relation to this second chance. I ought to take it slow, take care of every stroke, take care that I don't mess up again. Ah, so much pressure! But I shall learn to live with it.
But the way, I slept only at around 4 a while ago, thanks to my dog and also with the graduation speech I fashioned in about two hours.
And this just in yesternight: I am glad I didn't have to totally give up painting this portait. I am still fallen on my knees, overwhelmed by this blessing... Lord, be with me as always. I don't want to get too crazy about it and thus forget you, the source of my every happiness, the one who truly holds me and sustains me in all that I aim to do and to be.
The Second Canvass
I am simply happy that I am given a second chance to start over again: A second slate to fill in more precisely and beautifully. Not everyone gets a good second chance.
God knows I laid my last canvass to waste. While taking less time filling it up with careless brush strokes, I ruined it.
It disappointed me. It pained me immensely to part with my beautiful canvass, now of less value than before it was painted on.
I had to leave it in a room, hidden under a black shroud of forgottenness.
But now... my second chance is here. I will not disappoint. I will not ruin us again. Trust in God to make it all beautiful for us again. I will bless you with my life song. You will sing majestically of Him.
What can we scrape together...
Handfuls of hate and the bittersweet ambivalence...
'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
...You could die a thousand ways
And I'd still love you back to life
...I am lost to the longing
I am moulded by the memory
Had shut down half my mind
Just to steal the space you left behind
...'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
...I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
(~Mean Sleep, by Lenny Kravitz and Cree Summer)
God knows I laid my last canvass to waste. While taking less time filling it up with careless brush strokes, I ruined it.
It disappointed me. It pained me immensely to part with my beautiful canvass, now of less value than before it was painted on.
I had to leave it in a room, hidden under a black shroud of forgottenness.
But now... my second chance is here. I will not disappoint. I will not ruin us again. Trust in God to make it all beautiful for us again. I will bless you with my life song. You will sing majestically of Him.
What can we scrape together...
Handfuls of hate and the bittersweet ambivalence...
'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
...You could die a thousand ways
And I'd still love you back to life
...I am lost to the longing
I am moulded by the memory
Had shut down half my mind
Just to steal the space you left behind
...'Cause I am pushing cobwebs and I'm folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep?
How could the clouds tease us into thinking it might rain?
How could the need deceive us into thinking things might change?
...I had a mean sleep over you and it hurts coming back to life
(~Mean Sleep, by Lenny Kravitz and Cree Summer)
Run to you
I am back under the shade where I run to You when I feel tied down by life. Lord, I am not perfect, but I know more and more that I will always run back to you... The world is chaos and not for the faint-hearted, so here I am, again drawing strength from your love that easily and endlessly overwhelms me. I don't want to lose you. Thank you for being there for me and for forgiving my trespasses. I am nothing, truly nothing without you.
As you already know, today I have reached this point of deep sorrow... the journey to this feeling was gradual. I did not see it coming to my door. I have wandered a bit far away from your arms again, that's why. Maybe the disappointments brought about by various circumstances and people made me sad. I still have a tendency to be too idealistic, I must admit. And my weakness is that I cannot easily hide my emotions, and it all shows on my face before I know it. That is why most people figure it out before I say anything, if ever I care to say anything to them.
I am lost. Fill me up with joy, Lord. I am getting bored and listless again, I guess.
Last night, as I was walking home under a crescent moon, I thought of how I felt alien to this world... and I realized that maybe, just maybe, that awareness is good. It must mean I am on my way to becoming more of you.
I love you! Thanks for your time... You are indeed the love of my life.
As you already know, today I have reached this point of deep sorrow... the journey to this feeling was gradual. I did not see it coming to my door. I have wandered a bit far away from your arms again, that's why. Maybe the disappointments brought about by various circumstances and people made me sad. I still have a tendency to be too idealistic, I must admit. And my weakness is that I cannot easily hide my emotions, and it all shows on my face before I know it. That is why most people figure it out before I say anything, if ever I care to say anything to them.
I am lost. Fill me up with joy, Lord. I am getting bored and listless again, I guess.
Last night, as I was walking home under a crescent moon, I thought of how I felt alien to this world... and I realized that maybe, just maybe, that awareness is good. It must mean I am on my way to becoming more of you.
I love you! Thanks for your time... You are indeed the love of my life.
Rechecking my perspective
I feel hurt because I miss you. I wish I could turn back time and change the course of things.
I should have done the right thing, the kind thing- that is, being a little less too kind to you. I should not have given my heart to you.
I hate it. I wish I cannot remember but I do. It does not burn through me like way back, but I don't enjoy the torments of our past.
There never was an 'us' in this story, but there was me who loved you so much. I think it is a waste of time, energy and emotions.
I am close to resurfacing the ocean of sadness. I will have fully outgrown you then.
I hope you are okay. I hope that you are in God's grace. I love you, that is why I let you go.
Now it's time for me to get back to reality and go on with my life. I will put you away in my mind like a box of toys in an adolescent's room.
I should have done the right thing, the kind thing- that is, being a little less too kind to you. I should not have given my heart to you.
I hate it. I wish I cannot remember but I do. It does not burn through me like way back, but I don't enjoy the torments of our past.
There never was an 'us' in this story, but there was me who loved you so much. I think it is a waste of time, energy and emotions.
I am close to resurfacing the ocean of sadness. I will have fully outgrown you then.
I hope you are okay. I hope that you are in God's grace. I love you, that is why I let you go.
Now it's time for me to get back to reality and go on with my life. I will put you away in my mind like a box of toys in an adolescent's room.
Disappointed. Devastated. Frustrated.
I am very disappointed.
I ask you to pave me a clean way to get to church as you will. No lies, no my-will-be-done's. But it seems like with all these obstacles you allow before me, I'm not meant to do that for the meantime. Initially I told you that it's okay to shrug it off for now, and just keep the relationship okay, but I realized... nah, I'm really disappointed. The rejection is so hard to keep behind a smile.
Devastated? Yes, I pity myself for not being able to express my faith freely, go to church. My mother told me a few hours after how I'm an uneducated, stupid person with the cockroach's brain.. I think I did something wrong in the kitchen, didn't smash anything or ruined a recipe... but she just had to bust me like that at such an appropriate time. Lord, that is so timely. Haha. It's not my fault I'm not going to church on Sunday. Pave the way... well I may have to stop asking for that.
Or maybe going to church is a matter of deserving it. I don't know. I sing of how you're so merciful and you allow everyone to come to you fair and square, but where's fair in this game I'm in? I'm so confused with why I can't legally come to church without sparking a potential WWIII in my household. Whenever such disappointments come my way, I am tempted to just let you go and go my ignorant way, but you know me well... you know what my heart yearns for... I want you, and you only to rule me and just change me all the way. So why can't I have it without these pains?
Why do I feel like you're hiding your face from me?
Show yourself!
Let me know this is something real... I know you're there and you feel with me individually... you care, you love me... more than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've disciplined me the hardest, you've accepted me at my worst, you've found me at my weakest... now do you feel my pain? I just yearn to know what to do, because I am very very confused. You mean so much to me and I just need you to tell me something.
I ask you to pave me a clean way to get to church as you will. No lies, no my-will-be-done's. But it seems like with all these obstacles you allow before me, I'm not meant to do that for the meantime. Initially I told you that it's okay to shrug it off for now, and just keep the relationship okay, but I realized... nah, I'm really disappointed. The rejection is so hard to keep behind a smile.
Devastated? Yes, I pity myself for not being able to express my faith freely, go to church. My mother told me a few hours after how I'm an uneducated, stupid person with the cockroach's brain.. I think I did something wrong in the kitchen, didn't smash anything or ruined a recipe... but she just had to bust me like that at such an appropriate time. Lord, that is so timely. Haha. It's not my fault I'm not going to church on Sunday. Pave the way... well I may have to stop asking for that.
Or maybe going to church is a matter of deserving it. I don't know. I sing of how you're so merciful and you allow everyone to come to you fair and square, but where's fair in this game I'm in? I'm so confused with why I can't legally come to church without sparking a potential WWIII in my household. Whenever such disappointments come my way, I am tempted to just let you go and go my ignorant way, but you know me well... you know what my heart yearns for... I want you, and you only to rule me and just change me all the way. So why can't I have it without these pains?
Why do I feel like you're hiding your face from me?
Show yourself!
Let me know this is something real... I know you're there and you feel with me individually... you care, you love me... more than anyone I've ever known in my life. You've disciplined me the hardest, you've accepted me at my worst, you've found me at my weakest... now do you feel my pain? I just yearn to know what to do, because I am very very confused. You mean so much to me and I just need you to tell me something.
Unsure. Haha.
Suddenly I'm unsure of myself.
Oh man. Why do I have to make things so complicated for myself?
Lord!!!
Oh man. Why do I have to make things so complicated for myself?
Lord!!!
Attachment issues of Peach
I am currently unable to strategise how to unlearn my tendency of attachment.
I think it's part of an instructor's curse, especially in my case that I'm dealing with these kids one-on-one on weekdays. It's a shame for me to manifest the signs of stress in handling parting and letting go.I feel bad in having to feel this pang of sorrow as I necessarily detach myself from my students, whom I have been bonded with at some level. Attachment for me is a form of weakness. It's a liability especially for professional growth. I should not care so much. I should not feel so much love and happiness. But why this?
I wish there was some way I could remove them. Lord, I haven't had real problems with it, but can I ask you to just take out my emotions? Just for six months, maybe... hahaha. Yes, I know I know... like evey trait you have given me, I need to master it. I need to resolve my attachment issues through this rich field of opportunity laid out before me. It's not gonna be easy, but I know past this I shall emerge a better person, hopefully a stronger one who can level up on the emotional aspect of self-control. Hay.
And enough with that infatuation thing. Better not start anything that will provoke ugly series of events. The smallest exchange of words can brew a major war.
Goodnight Kenneth. Lord, be with me.
I think it's part of an instructor's curse, especially in my case that I'm dealing with these kids one-on-one on weekdays. It's a shame for me to manifest the signs of stress in handling parting and letting go.I feel bad in having to feel this pang of sorrow as I necessarily detach myself from my students, whom I have been bonded with at some level. Attachment for me is a form of weakness. It's a liability especially for professional growth. I should not care so much. I should not feel so much love and happiness. But why this?
I wish there was some way I could remove them. Lord, I haven't had real problems with it, but can I ask you to just take out my emotions? Just for six months, maybe... hahaha. Yes, I know I know... like evey trait you have given me, I need to master it. I need to resolve my attachment issues through this rich field of opportunity laid out before me. It's not gonna be easy, but I know past this I shall emerge a better person, hopefully a stronger one who can level up on the emotional aspect of self-control. Hay.
And enough with that infatuation thing. Better not start anything that will provoke ugly series of events. The smallest exchange of words can brew a major war.
Goodnight Kenneth. Lord, be with me.
Tear-stained notes and a pillow
Two days ago I cried all night until I fell asleep.
Now this is the case. There are only two instances I was hurt so bad that the pain made me ask God to just take my life and get on with it: One was when I was compelled to say goodbye to...*** and the other was this. I felt so ashamed with what I have done that it hurt so much to admit it. But I bravely came forth and took responsibility for my fault. I'm not denying anything. I just believe that a mature person ought to take the consequences like a man... or in this case, like a true Christian. My biggest burden is that I felt that I have so disgraced the Lord with my actions when I'm supposed to be glorifying him. Second is that it doesn't feel good to look weak and bad in front of your own family, especially my ma whom I love so much.
There. Not discussing the issue. But I guess this makes me want to be more aware of pleasing God...and to watch my actions carefully. Also, one more thing- I need to make sure I'm pleasing God first and not other people, not even my mother. You can't please people, and with such motive we're bound to be miserable. Feel ko kasi I'm returning to that... like I want to have the assurance from her that she will love me still even if I fail sometimes... I'm just human. Not that it's a reason, but everyone falls sometimes, right? But what matters is the direction we are in... in a marathon, as long as you're running in the right direction, you're bound to get to the finish line no matter how often you have to stumble. I hope to make it a point to always set my eyes on the pleasing and perfect will of God that I may please him always with my life.
And as a by-product, I hope to make my family happy and proud of me.
Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Aw. Soli deo gloria. Love you Lord...you're all I need.
Now this is the case. There are only two instances I was hurt so bad that the pain made me ask God to just take my life and get on with it: One was when I was compelled to say goodbye to...*** and the other was this. I felt so ashamed with what I have done that it hurt so much to admit it. But I bravely came forth and took responsibility for my fault. I'm not denying anything. I just believe that a mature person ought to take the consequences like a man... or in this case, like a true Christian. My biggest burden is that I felt that I have so disgraced the Lord with my actions when I'm supposed to be glorifying him. Second is that it doesn't feel good to look weak and bad in front of your own family, especially my ma whom I love so much.
There. Not discussing the issue. But I guess this makes me want to be more aware of pleasing God...and to watch my actions carefully. Also, one more thing- I need to make sure I'm pleasing God first and not other people, not even my mother. You can't please people, and with such motive we're bound to be miserable. Feel ko kasi I'm returning to that... like I want to have the assurance from her that she will love me still even if I fail sometimes... I'm just human. Not that it's a reason, but everyone falls sometimes, right? But what matters is the direction we are in... in a marathon, as long as you're running in the right direction, you're bound to get to the finish line no matter how often you have to stumble. I hope to make it a point to always set my eyes on the pleasing and perfect will of God that I may please him always with my life.
And as a by-product, I hope to make my family happy and proud of me.
Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Aw. Soli deo gloria. Love you Lord...you're all I need.
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