A song in the night

Nobody said that letting go was easy,
But that's the road we have to take sometimes.
In the name of a love that longs to be free,
We stand firm, with heartbeats that rhyme...
With what is right, in spite of the pain
With what is true, with all and more to gain

I'll stand the sleepless nights,
'll cry the tears that come,
And l'll see this with a light,
Knowing where it is from.

I'll fight the bouts of blue
There's nothing I won't do.
I'll take this hurting without you,
If it leads me back to you.

I brought this upon myself.

It tears me to think that I need to loosen my hold on you guys a little.

Sometimes I feel that I should just know my limits when it comes to deciding who to see and who to be with. Now that I've thought of that, I see the downsides of having great friends whom I want to know more about but can't seem to spend enough time with them to do that.

Yeah, I'm talking about my friends (and not acquaintances anymore) from engineering...si Kathy, Paul, Kim, Ken, Jirelle, Kency, Gerald at Aldrin. I know it's just not me to entertain friends who spend their lives far apart from me. I belong to nursing. They belong to the same place. What makes me think I'll ever find a way to keep them close to me? Ewan. I hope it's not this complicated, but it is, apparently.

Since I've met them all, they've made me happy in the way they shared their colorful lives with me...their thoughts, their stories, laughtrips, opinions...and before I sensed it coming, I was anticipating the chances that I could talk with them for a bit. It's as if I've established a connection with them in such a short time. And it touches me a lot to think that they welcomed me despite the fact that I was really different from them. Weird, pero parang sila yung high school berks ko nung nasa sj ako...they warmly welcomed me in.

But it's not that they're the only ones who make me happy and feel that I belong. No. Believe me, I do love my other friends enough sa nursing and sa sj...I love them all. But then I feel that I can also have something special with tropang chong, and yet I know I cannot enhance that possibility any more than the short moments I have with them because I'm just restricted to do so. Major factors include my college course, my mother, my brother, and the time contraints.

My mother does not want me to be friends with them. And since she knows my whereabouts, well...it's a tough thing to hide from her...na napamahal na nga ako sa mga batang ito. I always want to help them out and be present when they laugh, or when they cry...and sometimes I just want to hit some of them for fun, hehehe. Kaso kasalanan ko na rin naman na ganun na lang ang doubts niya sa kanila...kasi hindi same ground. Basta feel ko ako may kasalanan, kasi I insisted to be with them, kahit alam ko yung risks.

Naguguluhan ako kasi I want to be close to them, yet now I realize that maybe I should just wait for the right time when everything will fall in the right place and perhaps then I can be closer to them.

I pray that the time will come when I will be allowed to see them...without being told that I can't, that I shouldn't...whatever. And now as much as I want to spend time with them, I'm torn between my mother's authority and my will to fight for these friends of mine. Kaya now, I feel that I should just trust God and hope that things get better.

Parang papel yan. If I open my hand, it's gonna fly off and someone else is gonna find it. If I grip it too hard, it's gonna get crumpled.

So the best thing to do, alalay lang sa hawak.^^

I wish I had more time...and yet...

And yet...I feel the bitter necessity to allow some things to slip from my hands for now like flowing water.

How I wish I did not have to let go of the wonderful things I had in my life...

But my heart's a bag that cannot be overfilled...too much is never good. Man has his limitations, I believe...

...

I wish I could take away the feeling of jealousy that so claims me in the smallest hints of rejection...

Even though sometimes I know the feeling is pointless, it's such a struggle for me to remain in control of rationality.

But I guess that's the thing with jealousy...contrary to popular belief, it's never a good thing according to the Good Book. Which is why I have to check it once in a while.

For love is not selfish. It is patient.

...

I wish I could stop stumbling along the road of life.

I could save myself from heartbreaks and emotional pains. I could be more productive and focused for most of my life then...

I don't want to get hurt. Who wants to get hurt anyway? Well...

I just have to learn to love God more in the pitfalls...and grow, grow...be more than I can be for him.

....

I wish I can be more of a female as I am expected to be.

But I'm not and I know it. It'd be a lie to force myself to always look prim and proper.

But what the heck...it's nice to be a unique combination of spice...it adds to the fun factor of life...

Anni is anni. Or is she, really? Hmmm...

Five matters

Sleep is taking over me as I type this, but then the urge to write wins over for the meantime...who knows until when... Anyway, I'm hacking the keys at random, speaking with my heart out on my sleeve. I can say I missed writing.
So! How's life...
Recently, here are a few updates:
1. CABG (coronary artery bypass grafting)- My grandfather's going to have a bypass tomorrow at three pm. I really wanted to watch, but of course duty calls in school so I have to sadly pass. But I did have this fun conversation with him yesterday...
Me: Gwakong, payag ka picture kita pg inooperahan ka? *eager wide smile on face*
Gwakong: Siyempre ayaw ko.
Me: *pleads* please please? :) Para makita ko kung saan yung bara...tpos souvenir pa un. Sige na...
Gwakong: *weirded out* ay nko, ayoko...papakita mo pa sa kin.
Me: Eh di hindi ko papakita...sige naaaa.
Eh ayaw tlg. Badtrip, hahahaha. Takot takot kasi ito sa ghastly medical stuff like blood...so ayun. Anyway, fine fine...patient's rights, come on...
2. Cooking- I was not at all happy a while ago when my brother interfered with my first try to cook arroz caldo on my own. I got irritated when he just came in, opened the pot and put in all the seasonings....aaaarrggghh!!! Grabe pkialmero. Naasar tlg ako. It's him making me feel that I can't do anything right ever. Naasar tlg ako. Hmph. I just hate it when he steps on my toes. Sabi niya di daw ksi ako nakikinig. Eh di sana sabihin na lang niya, kaysa nman pupunta n lng ng gnun at mkikialam. Asar kaya. Sabi ko na lang, pati naman siya nagsimula sa wala. Kaya nga I'm trying to learn, di ba. Man...
3. Bonding with shane- I felt really happy na nagkausap kami kahapon ni shane. While visiting my grandfather in Philippine Heart Center, we stole away at one point far from the adults' earshot, bought junk food and coke, and sat on the plush cushions in the lobby to share some recent life stories, hehehe. Our mothers, though slightly worried at our sudden disapperance, seemed amused with the ' walang katapusang chismisan,' which was good. Para namang sila hindi dumaan sa ganyan. Nako ha, at least di naman kami nagsusulatan right after seeing each other, hahahahaha!:P Di ba, mama? ;P
4. No more coke campaign- I want to cut down on my coke-drinking habit. Nasty sugar rush...it can give me diabetes in time if I don't stop...so I want to do that. Self-control...mahirap ata to...hahahaha.
5. Protocol- I and my groupmates are about to have our big case presentation, and it's not easy! So that means, lots of work and patience. Also, may review classes on the side once a week from 8-5...so hirap tlg nun...eh may kasabay pang mga night shifts from 8pm to 6am. Hehehehe. Man, this is going to be a tough week.^^
Ayun na lang muna, my eyes are closing...my head is giving in...I need to sleep na nga...

My 400th entry...waw.

My 400th blogger entry. I believe it's a promise of better things to come...more possibilities...more doors to open...*shrug*

I am inspired to dream...to grow...with this entry. Grabe naman ang entries...hahahaha. Although some of them are merely results of personality tests...madami pa rin yung puro entries sa buhay ko. I hope to add more to them...I feel happy about this...it's a personal accomplishment.

Anyway...

Fleeting- that's the word to sum up what my day is so far today...

This morning I woke up at about six thirty-five in the morning. I was too groggy to get up and do work. Hmm, given that I had slept at around two thirty in the wee hours of the morn, well...that's the consequence.

This week's supposed to be our college week here in UST, nursing week...but that's just a lot of bull for us senior students who have a lot of work to do and have no time to slack off for some fun stress-free activity. Man, we are taking this week to edit thesis...and that means also sitting with our statistician, who is very much willing to do a conference with our results...just for repeat checkups to make sure everything's correct.^^

Yeah, and I know this stuff I'm talking about has to be soo boring for you guys...I should know. I can almost hear people saying, "The heck was that all about?!" To which I can only laugh and say, "Business."

But I'm really happy about what's happening...not as exciting as it was with last week's thesis defense (which by the way, we emerged from with battle scars of courage and happy faces, despite our apprehensions with the panelists who are all hardcore OCs when it comes to research papers). But we emerged victorious for the Lord, and that's the point. Now's just the mellow phase...all we need to do is submit our final draft...fix the comic book tool for sex education (which by the way is the topic of our research)...and get on with graduation and all that...hahahaha.

Although I still have ambivalent feelings towards the idea of being a postgrad bum (which btw I know I'm fast approaching at)...I'd really like a lot of rest and lots of travel time...I miss the beach, which is surely my favorite haven...

I also want to write more often after graduation. Fine, I know it's just not nursing, but it's what I want...my first love always will remain and prevail through the years.

And what a fun morning...I got late for my political science class this afternoon at one pm, but I did not mind, since my brother and I talked and ate together prior to that...he cooked fish and eggs for us...and such things don't happen all the time, so what the heck- I can take the lateness. Hehehehe. And yeah, nakalusot ako sa attendance kahit 40 minutes late ako, whoo hoo...thank God.

In the midst of all the drama and excitement in my recent days, I miss that one person whom I truly love- si Jrep. Si bestfriend, nag-eemoters nung isang gabi...ayun, kahit di ko siya masyado nattext, he messaged me to tell me how he missed me and all that mush mush...hahahaha. I wonder if he has any idea how I AM blessed to have him in my life for eight freaking years of self-depreciation and betrayal, wahahahaha...well, I just have to tell him in the best way I can think of- find a way to spend time with him! Aaaaaaa.

Just a while ago before I came here, I had engaged in a fun conversation with my classroom shoti, si Lorenz...just caught up on the recent stuffs...on our faith, studies, recent engagements...I thank God he's my classmate. He surely inspires me to do things right for the Lord...and to keep working for the Lord to grow in his love.

Anyway, I feel that I have to hold this entry for now...end muna, then next entry to follow with more stories on what's happening to me. Hehehehe.

Right now I'm simply answering to the writing bug...I felt the need to write something after just checking my online grades from last semester. I have things to manage after I publish this. There's so much more to tell. I hope to write them all down and make them part of my personal compilation...which perhaps I can read later on and laugh about, hehehehe.

Later...^^

lashing out

I feel so darned sad. I feel that I am always rejected and just way off my league. I know the answers to these thoughts. But then they just won't go...I wish I could recover from this faster this time...

So venting's the way. Hehehe. Darn insecurities, anni.

Assessment: So what's wrong?

Simple answer: me

Complex answer:

Well, I dunno...really. I hate turning this blog into my mushfest, but then after a long time...here goes...ayun, sobrang mahal ko si kitot. And he loves me...he makes me feel at ease when I'm with him. As his friend, he cares for me. As a girl, he makes me feel that I don't have to try being anyone else other than me.

Kaso, kahapon...ayun, parang hindi ko alam kung ako lang yun, pero parang iba yung ease and happiness na nakita ko sa kanya when he spoke with a certain girl na friend na ka-course at kaberks pa niya na sabi niya friend lang naman niya, which I believe, since friend ko rin naman si girl and of course, sabi ni kitot. Kaso nadisturb ako kasi...parang ganun ang gusto kong makuha kay kitot...I fervently so so wanna elicit that response from him...dunno if it's just my hypersensitivity with what my senses picked up or I'm just full of jealous nerves...but he sure looked and sounded happy last night when they were chatting right there in front of me. Well, dati ko pa naman wish yan, na maging parte tlg ako ng mundo ng love ko, yung alam ko at makakausap ko siya sa mga bagay na nakaka-interest at nakakabenefit sa kanya...a big part of which is his work in school, sa college niya. I don't wanna be just a pleasurable distraction for him kasi useless un eh. Napaisip tuloy ako. Ako pagulo lang naman ako eh...ano bang naibibigay ko sa kanyang useful? Lots of trouble, ayun tlg. Hahaha. Lots of trouble and unwanted feelings. Parang ung sinabi lang niya sa blog niya na napag-usapan namin. I don't want to be a burden. But I love him so much. I want to always keep him happy and interested. I want him to feel at ease and be able to talk much when I am with him.

So what now? Well ayun, eh di lumabas na naman ang insecurities. Si Peach. I suddenly made an internal comparison with me and the available reference point...ung girl friend ni kitot. Onga naman. She's such a strong girl with guts. Ako insecure...nagtatapang-tapangan lang, nothing fresh. She's more interesting and fun than plain old me who just feels she's somehow competent with holding a pen and benefits intelletctually from other people's miseries (namely my patients). She's Chinese-pretty with conventional good looks...well, no comment na lang sa kin at hindi nga ako mukhang chinita, npagtatawanan pa ngang bakla pag nagbibihis at nag-aattempt magmukhang tao. She's a total girl...I'm struggling to convince myself that I am one. Hahahaha. She's younger...I'm just feeling it (come on face it, I'm nearly past my acceptable age of youth). Above all, she benefits and interests the guy with lots of stuff about work and all that- and I don't think I've done any good for what matters a lot for him, which is his school work, his career. I'm thinking of something I've given to make him fulfilled, but I can't think of any...masyadong malayo sa engg si nurse Teng. Asa naman akong makaka-engaage ako with him in such conversation for a long time, di ba...nursing, engg...sabi nila cliche, pero I don't buy that as truth.

So what now? Laban ko naman ito eh. I'm just jealous. Or whatever. Or maybe I'm just not enough for him when it comes to giving the best of what I can to make him happy. Really happy.

Ano ba talaga?

....

Well if I accept defeat, what am I to do about it?

Hahaha. I've cried about it. Even before I met him problema ko naman na itong mga insecurities ko. Haay.

I wonder if I should let someone else handle everything...love him...someone who could actually be with him and not be so much trouble for him, someone who's really beautiful and darned talented at billiards and table tennis...someone who can solve math problems faster than he can...someone who can finish happy hopper with him and not hit his hand all the time when they play dancemaniax...someone who can welcome him into her family and not feel discriminated...someone who could dress impressively and not be such a rebel sexist...someone who can carry high heels and glide on high notes in the karaoke room...someone...who's an engineer...and can sit with him for hours and be free to commute as she knows how...someone who eats a lot more than I do...someone...

But I want her to be me.

Siguro pag natulog na ko now I'm gonna laugh at these things in the morning.:) The heck, Anni...what have I done to you...

I will always be alone, I guess...

Right now:

I fight the urge to want my old life of solitude where everything is within my control, when I don't have to think about anyone waiting on me when I go to the bathroom or visit the library. It just sucks anyway when I want to take my time and someone's there urging me to hurry up, like sticking around the latrines or the classrooms for a few seconds longer is a matter of life and death.

The burden of having to see about someone's welfare though unwillingly always rakes in extra chores for the mind and body. We're all supposed to be trying to act like young adults now. I don't see why everyone needs that kind of hardship to take.

I can go through my fourth year alone anyway. Why the need for silly laughing groups coming after me at lunch time, or taunting little kids putting up a front at me on my busy schedule?

I suck at this. Man. I'm a total mess.

Harrassed.

Aaaaaa!!!

I was waiting for my brother to pick me up just yesterday night outside McDonald's, at the corner of Dapitan and Lacson Street.

Carrying a liter of minute maid on one hand and clutching my cell phone on the other, I was anticipating my brother to pass along Dapitan Street while looking around, alert and wary of the people passing by. Around me, the traffic was moving too slowly and people were impatiently honking their horns, too eager to get to their respective destinations.

I glanced at the stop lights: both were red.

Ay, this will take a while, I thought.

Just then, I noticed the car that had stopped right in front of me. The lone passenger- the driver, a man who was probably in his late forties, rolled his window open all the way down. I thought that maybe he was just going to shout at the cars in front of him, or something like that...animals...but I noticed how he turned to me and just looked- no, stared at me slowly from head to foot in my white shirt and casual pants. Last time I checked, it was normal to wear that kind of outfit.

So what's up with that?!

I suddenly had that sinking, horrible feeling that...no, I'm not even saying it!!!

My fist tightened over the one liter of minute maid which I carried in a white plastic bag, feeling apprehension and boiling rage as he went on staring at me while taking a smoke. I wanted to consider that maybe he was 'just smoking,' but do you have to NOT take your eyes off someone while smoking?! Grabe talaga.

I looked afar, wishing for the traffic to move fast so he can disappear and my brother can come to my rescue. I felt very insulted and uncomfortable as I stood there. And then I thought, maybe I should do something.

With that, I stopped texting, kept my cell phone, and matched his stare with a brave glance, as if sending him a message: 'Just you try anything funny, and I'll...' But I was seriously worried that he might get off his car and pull me in. Or something.

Thankfully, the traffic moved, and he was forced to move...away from me. And my brother came for me with a wave of fury, which I welcomed with a smile...*sigh of relief*

Pero banas talagang mga lokong yan!

Screw the society of dirty old bastards.

Rules of food/ rules of romancing by anni

While I was eating with a friend of mine, si Maskitot, I got inspired to do this fun blog of rules reagrding food which can be applicable to love, hehehe. After all, our gastronomic habits undeniably match our love patterns...sabi nga ni Sir Tekiko, one of my most beloved instructors in my college, you are what you eat talaga- a person's character can be reflected in the way he or she eats.
So! To start. Ten freakin' rules...go figure! Hahahaha.

1. Isa-isa lang. Oo, may gumagawa nga nun- yung nilalahat na ang pagkuha parang wala nang bukas. Pero anong tawag doon? BABOY! Di ba? Hahahaha! Sinasabawan ang hindi dapat sabawan, isang kagat lang sa isa tapos aayawan na. Hindi na nga napaninindigan ang choice, nahahati pa ang panlasa sa dami ng kinukuha. At sa huli, ikaw din ang talong masakit ang kalooban- kasi pinilit lahat...o minsan, wrong combo! Nako. Glutton. Hahahaha.
2. Huwag kang takaw tingin. Hindi lahat ng nakikita mo pag gutom ka ay puwede mong banatan. Hahahaha. At hindi excuse ang tag-gutom para bumanat ka na lang basta ng kung anong meron diyan na hindi naman iyo, kahit na (at lalo na) pag sa kaibigan mo pa iyon. May tawag kasi doon- HAYOP. Wahahaha.
3. Huwag kakain ng mga natirang puta...heng malapit nang mapanis. Alam mo palang pasira na- huwag mo nang banatan tulad ng mga nauna dahil lang sayang. Not worth it! Magkakasakit ka pa niyan! Eew!
4. Sa labas, huwag pipila nang hindi alam kung ano ang gusto. Nakakasagabal ka lang. Pagulo kasi, habang yung iba sigurado na sa gusto, hindi naman makasingit kasi may harang, at ikaw iyon! Mabuti pa, umalis ka na lang muna at bumalik ka na lang pag ready ka na and you have made up your mind.
5. Make sure that once you take something, you take it whole. Huwag yung kakalikutin pa sa kinalalagyan, tapos pipiliin lang yung gusto. Ano ba naman yung kunin mo na lahat, then give it a chance. May reason kung bakit siya ginawang ganyan, kaya sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, take it or leave it whole lang. Kung alam mong hindi mo feel yung isang portion o component, eh di wag mo nang guluhin para maayos siya- drop the idea and leave it as it is!
6. Ang hilaw, huwag gagalawin. Siyempre, handled with care iyan- malinis ang pagkakaayos niyan. At kailangan pang dumaan sa complex preparations niyan bago ihain ng expert. Ano ba naman yung maghintay ka sa labas para makakain nang masarap. O baka naman gusto mong kumurot ng kaunting sarap...at habang buhay matikman ang lupit ni inay...*cringe*
7. Ang pata, pata. Ang manok, manok. Ang isda, isda. Hindi kailanman puwedeng maging manok ang isda and vice-versa. Oo fine, sige may tinatawag tayong veggiemeat for vegetarians, pero gulay pa din yung di ba. Ang gulay, gulay. Hahaha. Name it as it is. Huwag mo nang pangalanan ng kung ano pa.
8. Linisin ang sariling kalat. Everybody makes a mess, ika nga...pero don't cry over spilt milk nga rin. Pag may natapon, quit the blame game so you can clean up the mess and carry on- either eating what's left of the same stuff and just helping yourself to a second serving if you care...or daring yourself to a new dish. We can't help that sometimes...it's just choices.
9. Take your time. Savor the experience. It's not a horserace or a card collection. Take in too fast and too much at baka ka mabulunan- and we know it's not really fun if you fail to digest everything. Sayang naman. Hahahaha.
10. Huwag pilitin ang ayaw. Sa mundo ng (pagkain/pag-ibig), may mga adventurer, may mga game sa lahat...may mga choosy rin. May iba-iba ring methods of choosing applied- may gusto ng pasulyap-sulyap, patikim-tikim...may ilan din namang alam na iisa lang ang preference kaya maghahanap pa nang matagal iyan, maghihintay hanggang sa dulo. May short-time, may long-term. Ewan. Basta we just have to understand diversity. Hehehe.

Now I'm not saying I'm an expert on food or even love, pero I think I'm fit enough to say something about both topics! Hahahaha
OK, that's it. Kailangan nang matulog ng cholesterol ko. Wahooo!!! Hahahaha. Goodnight.

I fear the day...

I have this feeling of apprehension every time I would have to see a person go off to a far place and then see this person come back in a while. I don't know. Maybe it's because of the attachment...but then...that can't be right...I should be stronger.

Well in that case...I guess I'm not strong enough. I really have a lot to learn. I have more more room to grow, hehehe. People will always come and go. I have to know how to hold on and stop being a kiddo...

Maybe that's why I've been on a three-day binge already. Hahaha. On a whim, I ate the following...

• Manggang hilaw with bagoong
• Kwek-kwek
• Arroz caldo
• Cup noodles bulalo
• Pinakbet
• Porkchop
• Chicken
• Sbarro's chicago white pizza
• Pasta
• Mushroom soup
• Garlic bread
• Cheese popcorn
• Bacon pizza
• Clover bits
• Roller coaster
• Hot coffee
• Kettle korn regular
• Minute maid
• Jollibee's new rice toppings
• Egg tart
• Misua with pork liver
• Lemonade

I don't know what's happening, but I guess when I'm stressed I just take it out on eating sometimes.

Or somnolent detatchment: aka sleeping it off. Well I know that it does not make the problems go away but it does give me the strength to deal with the problems more efficiently. I slept for 12 hours straight kanina...thank God for the weekend, hehehe.

Or by praying. Of course, the best way...let God replenish...which reminds me, I am starting to fall out of that again. Nako nako...hindi pwede!!!

*sigh*

Undergoing treatment-

BTW, I'm currently taking antibiotics for my cough and colds. Nagdevelop kasi siya sa otitis media (or infection/inflammation of the middle ear)...so ayun may partial hearing deafness ako, which made me go see a doctor sa health services sa UST out of nataranta kasi ako nung medyo humina nga yung pandinig ko, hehehe. Man...

I have to take my meds right on time, though...I skipped two doses kasi I forgot. Aaaa. And I have to see my doc again on Tuesday...need to remind myself of that...

*writes out on a neon green post-it note and sticks it on forehead*

A fun out-

A while ago nagkaroon kami ng fun time ni Bern, (my querida ever...) at Andrew (my outside ahia) magpunta ng Trinoma, play arcade and sit down to talk. Ayun...I really miss these two wonderful friends of mine. It's been ages since I caught a glimpse of them...and yet, the fondness just grows on...

And Timezone's still the wonderland to be. Kanina nagdancemaniax kami (grr super sensitive ng sensors ha), played basketball, guitar freakz (sakit sa kamay)...and then we tried that game where you have to brandish your samurai sword around the sensors correctly to defeat zombie warriors...hahahaha! It was hilarously fun and new (dapat makita kong gawin yun ni Jrep!!!). And that game where you have to shoot the rubber ball right to get credits...I won the jackpot, hahahaha!^^ And that's a first try on the small version...grabe, 104 credits...aw yeah...I'm so so happy with that.

Meanwhile si Bern may new high score sa basket- 395! Si Andrew ayun still up sa 700.@.@ Ako starting off with 52 points...we'll see where it goes. :D

I am thankful for the chance to have spent time with them. Of course. Iba talaga. But I also yearn to see my other walanghiyang friends! Aaaaaaaa *pulls hair in frustration* Hahahahaha!

Nakaka-miss na talaga. Plus, all this stress makes me all the more want to come 'home' to my old friends whom I know can give me good hugs and tell me it's all part of the fun of life. I want to know how they are and likewise give them my reassurance of support in whatever they're doing.

Grabe...I just...grr. Walanghiyangmgabata...T.T I miss you all!!!

I wish I can put music into this. hahaha. :P

Something I write derived from an actual incident one night...hahahaha. :)
Where do I get my inspirations...hahahaha.
Weird tlg.

Ok, enough ridiculous sentiments.:) Good night!

Miles away from me

I hold you close
In the midst of my silence
The sadness grows
The moment, tense

Finally, you left in the cold night
Left me with just one kiss

Now nothing feels right
But your voice, bringing promise

For another day of smiles
Which is long yet to be
Because oh you're miles
Miles away from me

You text me, 'hello dear
I'm missing you just now.'
Well you've got nothing to fear
I carry on somehow

But I fail to see the sidewalk
Tired, eyes blurring with tears
I feel no urge to talk
Coz' there's no you who hears

And nothing feels right
But your voice, bringing promise
For another day of smiles
Which is long yet to be

Because oh you're miles
Miles away from me

Where does your help come from?

I'm really happy. Yesterday was monumental.

I stayed for the bible sharing session of my beloved Tropang Chong. It's the third session...

I cannot explain the feeling of happiness that overwhelmed me yesternight as we tackled the nature of the Lord as our Great Physician. He heals us whole.

I just hope may pumasok sa mga senses ng mga loka, since some of them were still unfocused, mga pasaway...well, I hope God will establish the sched, especially next sem, para makastart na ko sa basic steps to spiritual growth...Lord knows these kids need a lot of spiritual nourishment...

Ang hirap kasing magtackle ng principles unless they know the basics. But nevertheless...I put my trust in God who knows all and controls all...

Where does my help come from?

Topic was, where does our help come from? If we know where we set our hopes to, if we know who to consult first in every hopeless and helpless moment, then we will never be left insecure even in the midst of such unwanted circumstances.

It's like when my uniform sleeve gets burned due to a freak ironing accident...should I go to a shoemaker for repairing? Of course not. I should go to a dressmaker with the right equipment. Baka masira pa ng shoemaker pag pinilit ko di ba? It happens. :)

Parang ganun din kay God. He's perfect, he's all we need. If we encounter trouble, 'seek first the kingdom of God and all his righteousness...' We will always be secure if we got our hearts in the right place...if we put our faith in the One who made us and knows us better than anyone. Why settle for mediocrity if we can settle for the BEST?

I'm not saying that it is wrong to ask for human help. I'm just saying that we ought to ask for expert help before we move...since if we first allow God to guide us and take full control of the situation, then we will surely get to a good solution, praising him who helps and guides us best. Parang driving. God is just beside us, waiting for us to give him the seat. We struggle, but come on...he knows the right way, the best way. Let him be our direction in everything.

The nature of man is to seek God last, pag wala na talaga. Yung sentence na, 'Diyos na ang bahala' is usually uttered when all humanly possible has been done in a tight situation. Hindi ba? Sadly, this is reality...natural sa tao gumustong maging independent. Gusto sariling paraan. My problems, my call. Hahaha. I'm gulity of that.

But what does God have to say to that, according to his word?

In everything we do, we ought to 'take our every thought captive to Christ everyday,' and we ought to 'trust in the Lord, and lean not on our own understanding, in all ways acknowledge him- and he will make our paths straight.'

Let us remember that, 'He is the only way, the truth, and the life.'

Lessons in solitude

It's been such a long time since I logged in here to write something out of nothing. As usual, I'm not my usual self as I enter here. Ewan ko ba...rejection does come as a heavy issue for me.

Right now I'm supposed to go home but since I'm waiting for the curse of the color coding to lift from the car tonight at 7, I just have to find something to do...which is rather a miracle nowadays in the hustle and bustle of fourth year life. Yeah, I'm graduating in a while, but I don't even seem to feel it. I just go with what I have...

And I'm talking and rambling about virtually nothing significant. It's just surprising to find myself seated here at the sixth floor of our university library, just passing time away with less important stuff when I'm supposed to be working at my nursing stuff, which had been long due...ewan ko ba. Pero as usual, pag hindi conducive ang surroundings, hindi talaga ako gagalaw. Extremes ika nga. Pag sipag, gogogo! Pag tamad, all the way baby!

Hay. Honestly, I have to admit that I'm not in the mood to work because my heart wish got rejected. Heart wish definition: any wish I want to fulfill out of a childlike longing and is not related to serious career decisions. Ayun, so after dreaming about it for a week I realized today that I had to fall back hard into reality and wake up- realize that I'm not for that dream that I was aiming for. Some dreams are, as cliche has it, not meant to be. Grr.

Kaya ako sad.
Kaya ako nagmumukmok dito mag-isa.
Kaya ko ayaw gumalaw.

Kaya ko kailangang mag-blog uli after a while. Wala kasi akong mahilang makasama ngayon eh. Kala ko di na ko mahihirapang maghanap ng kasama since fourth year began, but then...yeah, I guess I will always have my solo-flight moments even when I do not desire them that much anymore. Dati kasi it felt comfortable to be alone, and I occasionally still choose to be alone, since I don't want to be a burden to anyone, or I don't want to drag anyone and let someone be my burden, or I just want to be happy alone..?

Or am I really happier then when I am alone? I don't know. Now that I AM alone again against my will, I realize how long it's been...and how companionship feels like a much much amicable option for me now. I guess I changed immensely in that aspect. Weird. I'm still growing up...even unconsciously. Hahaha.

Principle of subsidiarity? Man cannot live alone? No man is an island? Yeah...hahaha.

And how funny that God makes me realize again in these moments that I need him so much, with or without human companionship. People will not always be visible right beside me. Friends will say hello and go. Relationships around us are like leaves: sure they flourish in spring when the time is right, but also given the time, they wither, they fall...they die.

Which is why it is important to put my security in God who will always be with me.

Hmm. I think that's the best realization I've had today. Hahaha. Maybe I should go now. It is getting dark...

Eni's thoughts

Eni's thoughts:

Perhaps it really takes time to train yourself to be perfectly honest with me.
I don't know if I'm being the hindrance. Or maybe you.

But it hurts to realize that, after everything we've been through, you still cannot bring yourself to be honest to me.

Thankfully, you're such a bad liar that I see through the poor attempts you make to mask it.

I always want to express to you how much I care and how much I love you.
I love you, I really do. I've proven that to you in such a way that even I cannot fully rationalize.

But how can I completely express that when you don't even want to believe it?

You say you love me, and that I mean so much to you.
But you can't even bring yourself to trust me with that.

Well, maybe it takes time. When will that be?

...

When I'm crying in front of you because of the hurt?

...

Or when I've said goodbye to you-
...forever?

Heart's not blind

-new piece...
cheap shot, but whatever. remember kids, boredom is poison! and i don't have a death wish for the meantime! hehehe...

Hard to pretend that I can't see
Every meaning of love you give
And yet I turn away 'coz we
Rush things, I think...but we won't leave
This love we doubt yet trust as much

So please believe, it's hard because
No less I hurt...my heart's not blind
One stolid look of nothing such
Takes more of me for what it does
Brought by your eyes which try to find
Love therein...beyond...behind...

I wish to speak, for I love you, but
No less I hide...my heart's not blind
Denying myself...for you I must.

Because I know my heart's not blind.

Not so much of myself without you

It's just a song in my head
Forget it, just listen through your eyes

When all that is left unsaid
Is all I can hold on to realize

That I'm not so much of myself without you
Not so much happy if you're not right here
But I know it, I know what I have to do
And I learn to suffer without fear

I know you're fine through the silence
Say you love me still, but who is she
Who has taken my place...no I'm not dense
So though I love you, I'll let you be

When all that is left unsaid
Is all I can hold on to realize

That I'm not so much of myself without you
Not so much happy if you're not right here
But I know it, I know what I have to do
And I learn to suffer without fear

A poem...*bow* hehehe

Season

You're just a season my love
Sent from heaven above
It seemed

Caught me looking at you
And I thought I knew what I'd do
But no

Yeah you seemed worth the wait
Thought I'd have it too late
Yes I did

But as your olive grandeur
Faded brown, that I'm sure
You did

I just realized my dear,
Since I've known of my fear
I should

I should just wake up, wake up
Dreaming is over, time is up

I should just get on with the season
Let it go, go, go, go, go...gone

A million thoughts and two songs

I'm dead tired. Ewan. The thesis, ward duty, my parents, frustrations...all got me burned up for a while. I now realize what it means to be constantly toiling as a curse of life in this world.

"Do not love the world..."

There are many gifts of life...I know it from experience. God has given me so much, which I know I do not deserve. I'm just tired. I sense the need to refocus on the most important need, which is spiritual growth. The consequence of shifting my focus from that to worldly needs is this kind of grief that I feel in the strains of worldly pressure.

I need to know more about the God that I worship. I need to read the Bible, pray more, worship more...and life a more fulfilling life as a result. Oo nga naman. Everything is temporary naman talaga, except for God, who transcends time and all worldly concepts.

Ayun lang naman. At oo nga, huwag maghangad nang higit pa sa nararapat. God always answers our prayers with Yes, No, and Wait. So pag need talaga natin, I trust that he'll give it. If not, he won't. If it's not the right time, then we have to wait in good faith.

And yes indeed, I need to realize that there are things that he withholds from me because I don't need it now. He is my Provider. Let him decide what suits my needs for the days that come and go.

Hayy...^^

And I close this with a song...

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

Dreaming with a broken heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part...

Hindi naman lahat bad tlg. The first part was very good. The second part got me feeling devastated.

So! To start...

I dreamed of being in a small white room with my classmates and friends sa nursing. Mga 4-10 berks...and at the center of the brightly-lit room was a bed, colored red. We were in a festive mood. At the center of the room sat Ma'am Cristobal, our beloved teacher na RN-MD...I looked at her belly (she's pregnant at this time) and saw that it was smaller. In her beautiful black-belted red dress, she turned to me and smiled in her cute way and said, "Anniline, nanganak na ko."

I was happy for her. "Congratulations," I said. But at the back of my mind, I was wondering why I was there. As more people started coming in, I moved out with someone very familiar who was not supposed to be there- si Maski (he's a very good friend of mine whom I love so much). I was conscious of his presence, but I did not mind him so much.

"Lika na," I told him, somehow happy with the unexpected company. And we wandered around the building (there were shops, parang mall siya) before I sensed that it was time...and I disappeared down a staircase malapit sa fire exit, but not before I bid him goodbye and said, "Text mo ko.":)

And the scene changed.

I woke up at the exact same position I had slept (just on the right side of my mother's bed). I recalled that I had to text him, so I fumbled for my cell phone. I reached for it and saw that there were two messages. It was astonishing to note that the message window looked like that of Yahoo Messenger. I could not recall much about the message he sent me, except for that part that it looked like he copy-pasted it from someone else's chat box.

It occured to me with analysis that he was sending 'I love you' to me with a picture of his barkada (which was just really weird)...but apparently he copy-pasted that message after he had sent it to some other girl na hindi ko naman kilala (siyempre nadamay doon yung name ng kausap niya). I highlighted the message (aba cellphone yun ha, wahahaha) and saw that the girl had even sent her number to him. And something about their messages told me that they were even talking about me. (aaaaaaa)

I shut my phone, not wanting to believe it. I felt so cheated and hurt. I muttered in denial, "No, no..." But it was there, the messages said everything. There was someone else he wasn't telling me about. I began to feel the coming of tears as I covered myself with a blanket and assumed a right fetal position.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part...

Yeah...finally, I woke up for real. It did not dawn on me at once that everthing that had occured was all a dream, so I stayed there on the bed, feeling a fresh surge of hurt and the urge to cry. A million thoughts were racing in my wasted head at that time as I stayed silent. So ganoon pala, may iba tlg siya. Pero teka, hindi naman kami ah, bakit ganito? Wala naman akong karapatang masaktan. He's your friend who just happens to like someone who's not you. Nothing else. Better let it stay that way...bahala nga sila...

Lord, bakit ganoon? I had to ask. I was filled with so much grief.

You roll out of bed and down on your knees,
and for a moment you can hardly breathe...
Wondering...

At buti na lang I had reoriented myself to reality before I cried out loud. I think I did. But if so, then thank God it wasn't enough to wake my two brothers (wala kasi si mama kagabi so tumabi muna ako dun). I reviewed the events in my head and realized that, wait a minute- that can't be real...and so I tried to recall what happened before I rolled off to dreamland.

That's when I fully realized that it was all unreal. Ma'am's expected date comes about a month later, Maski's not my boyfriend (I don't have a cheating boyfriend!), and yes, Maski did text me, but nothing like that. I checked my cellphone to confirm four text messages, two of which he had sent. Yes, it was all a dream.

Well, everything was a dream. But the pain was real.

And that gave me something to think about...

You no longer see clearly when you're blinded by the tears

And how true. I am writing this at 5:35 in the am to start.

Which is why it is important to be graceful under the pressures of life despite the hardships that come...and keep vigilant...set our eyes to God who matters most.

I don't even know why I suddenly wanted to write this fundamental truth- our need to depend on God as one who knows best for us.

Anyway that's all. Time to go on duty. Dump the unnecessary baggage so patient will be given professional care.

Epiphany? Or just a lack of sleep?:P

My four recent life-altering realizations:

1. Anni wants a baby in the future:

OK, I know I've been telling people that I hate children, all the more the idea of having my own. They make so much noise and a whole lot of trouble in the actual setting and in passing. I once swore that I would never have my own children- not with all that pain of delivering one's own and spending all that energy and effort to rear a whole bunch of them rats running in the house.

But my babysitting time with my one year-old niece Gracie made me reconsider.

I was initially feeling unhappy when I was told to babysit this girl without warning- my aunt just handed her to me while her parents were gone. I thought of my learned principles in pediatrics and handed her a bright object to keep her preoccupied- Rubiks cube, yey. It's bright, it's original so it can't be broken down into pieces by her tiny hands, and it's movable- multidimensional enough to pass time for her exploring pleasure.

Sitting with her on the bed, I turned on the TV and watched the evening news. I glanced at her every now and then and thought, 'buti naman at hindi siya maingay ngayon, hehehe.'

Just when I thought that that was it, she suddenly swayed her body sideways, as if wanting to rest her upper body. I took it as a sign that she wanted to lean against something, so I fixed the pillow and let her lean against it. It didn't keep her steady. She was looking for some good place to rest her head upon. I tried to make her face other directions, but to no avail. Finally, as a last resort, I let her lie beside me as I watched TV.

'Ayan,' I said, stroking her hair gently as I handed to her the cube. She took it and I turned back to the TV.

I was surprised when suddenly, a few moments later, she let go of the cube, reached for my hand which rested on my tummy, and held my fingers. I was even more stunned when she let her head rest on my chest.

Mush mush mush mush...

I was soo amused that I gave her a sudden lecture, 'Oh, ikaw, mag-aaral ka mabuti ah. Hindi lahat nakakapag-aral...' (and when I said that, I had to ask myself- what the heck was I doing??!!!)

That moment reminded me of a little talk between a certain nurse and a surgeon (both of who were fathers to their own kids) during one of my assisted cases in the operating room. One of the lines was-

"Mahirap eh (magpalaki ng bata). Magastos pa. Pero iba talaga kapag uwi mo, at tinawag ka...'papa, papa.' Parang lahat ng pagod mo, nawawala."

And maybe it's just in this rare moment that I really understood what that meant. The rewarding experience of parenting? Hmmm...change change. Hahahaha. Or maybe Anni is just keso. Wahaha.

2. Med school becomes a real option:

Recently my mother and my father are thinking of sending me to med school. I really don't know for now, but I have to think it through. I feel that with my passion for more knowledge and expertise, I might just...but then, do I have what it takes to stay to make it to the end?

Honestly, I don't know for now. I'm being lazy with nursing. What if I do just the same (and even worse) with med school? Then money would really be a waste...and all that time. I can be working after my boards, but med school will keep me from there for a while. I had entertained the thought long before, but I just laughed it off. As I told Mark once, 'I'm just a lover of knowledge, but generally I'm no genius like you.'

Hehehe. Ewan. Pero kung hindi lang sa time, I might just dive into it soon...

Sabi naman ng mga ka-rle ko recently, lalo na si Lorenz- mag-masters na lang daw ako instead na CI (which I see more as a possibility compared to med school). Well, new options...man, I never thought I'd take that idea seriously...Anni taking more chances in the field...man, oh man...

Doc Teng...Doc Teng..? Hahahahaha. We'll see.

3. Anni's biggest turnoff among the opposite sex? Swearing!

I haven't told a lot of people about it, but I am against swearing. It's a waste of words and a chance of entertaining conflict between people. Harsh words stir up anger, sabi nga sa Bible. I just don't get it with people who have the presumption that Swearing=Cool/ Togetherness. It's not all there is with being cool or having it together.

And so when a cute guy I've been eyeing (I know it's just a minor case of crushing, hehehe) swears...my attraction goes down to level zero. Hahaha. And how I realized that with my types, hehehe.

But here's the fun thing. My biggest turn on is not swearing (yeah right), hehehe. Kidding. Well though it follows that I generally tend to have a high regard for those who do not swear, it's not my main button. I am a bad sucker for people who keep a good relationship with the Lord. In a more serious turn, I am one to refuse commitment (or even the idea of it) with someone who does not have this important aspect. Siyempre dapat lang. It's part of the Scriptures.

Parang eleksyon lang yan. Choose wisely. Hahahaha.

4. Eto reinforced na lang ito- (also the idea of Mr. John Maxwell) People will only care about what you say if they know that you care:

Some events have led me to fully keep my hold on this principle. Which is true. Siyempre, we won't tell someone our secrets or narrate to someone the recent happenings of our lives, not unless we are aware that they genuinely care. Which is why in my experience I always make it a point to show and make the person feel that I'm listening and I'm fully interested. How?

• Verbally- With reassuring words, regard everything that the person has to say. Or if it's rather needed (given an awkward situation or maybe even through the phone), give a direct assurance- "I'm listening."
• It's in the tone- Avoid monotone responses. It kills the momentary emotions of the conversation.
• Stance says more- If you may, lean forward or turn your body towards the person talking. Never move your body away from the speaker (unless you have to so excuse yourself). Don't hang your shoulder over the backrest of the chair, because in psychological terms, that defines domination and can intimidate the other person.
• The eyes have it- If possible and not hindered by cultural differences, meet the listener eye to eye periodically throughout the conversation. The eyes really mirror more expression than we think. Intent is easily seen through the eyes of the listener.
• Time the reactions- React as you should. Timely reactions are the best indicator of a good listener. When you have to freak out, go. If you're made to laugh, come on. Don't hide it- it's a waste of good chance of showing you care.
• Therapeutic touch- It works well. When it's a fearsome issue, grip his/her hand. If it's a fun thing, hug her and jump around...whatever, depending on the level of agreed physical intimacy. If it's a cry-hard issue...best hug when you feel that it's needed or when the person cannot go on anymore. Ganoon. Hahahaha.
• Clarify and get it over with- if you find any part of the speaker's statements incomprehensible, make sure you clarify past a pose (depending on the speaker, if she's one to entertain interruptions well). But this shows a high level of eagerness on the listener's part- the effort to really understand everything that the speaker wishes to communicate to the other party.
• Minimize distractions- If it's a long talk, set a time for it. Don't text, except when it's important. Courtesy counts. If you have to excuse yourself or even possibly suspend the conversation, do it with courtesy to the speaker so that he or she won't feel rejected/ unimportant to you.
• Make it your purpose- This is the most important aspect. If you're really hanging on to every word of the speaker and you internalize all of it...the rest follows subconsciously. It's easy to catch a distracted listener who only ends up hearing the words if his or her heart's not in it.

I know what it personally feels to be rejected and not listened to. And so I take it upon myself to make sure that I try my best not to make anyone feel that way because I know how bad it is...I let them know first of all that I do care, then they just...they just start talking. :)

One hot preggy, lots of subjective boredom, etc. ^^

It's been a while since I've written anything here...work in school successfully kept me away. Predictably. Hahahaha.

But now that I'm still not into going home yet (since I'm thinking of meeting my father in the late afternoon and it's just three in the boring afternoon). I have a lot of tasks at hand- tests, case presentations, reporting for taxation tomorrow- but it seems like this time is just for down time...I need to pause for a moment and relish in the recent contemplations that I've had this week and the last.

So how are the fourth year subjects?

The subjects are just boring. Hahahaha. But I'm enjoying them, strangely...many thanks to the profs handling us, hehehehe.

• Duty in the obstetrical ward and deliver room- For a married pregnant woman with two children (G3P2 1002 hehehehe) Ma'am Cristobal's a real hottie- fine, pantasya ng mga boys sa classroom, and with good reason coz she's so cute and extremely lovable in so many ways, hahahaha- and she's our clinical instructor for the special area. Needless to say it's all great for the group na siya ang bantay namin- can't ask for more, hehehehe. We love mam!!! Ah yeah!!!
• Nursing Research- teaching the nitty-gritty of how to do a thesis/ research work. Thank God it's mostly activity, either group of individual, or else I'd be dying sick of boredom with lectures, aaaaa. Ma'am Guanhing's voice sounds like something you'd likely hear out of a music box...but she's therapeutic and darn good at her craft that I can't help but listen up (while fighting the droopy spell).^^ I love her, hehehe.
• Management- the subject started with role playing activities...not bad.:) and Ma'am Cabezon is such a hit with us...she knows what keeps us attentive. Good.
• Bioethics- another lullaby voice...Ma'am Johnson. She's such a pretty girl. I have yet to see what this is all about. I have to sit in front though so that I don't have to strain to hear her soft voice...aaaaa.
• Professional Adjustment- Ma'am Abelardo can bring the house down with her stories related to this. It's all practical, but it's a process of strengthening our hold on what roles we are to play in the noble call of duty.
• Asian Civ- Ma'am Turingan is sooo kwela. She's such an unassuming character, but has a lot to give. She makes it very easy to listen to her- it's not like you have a choice- she compels us without effort! She's a lot of fun.
• Etar- Thank goodness the prof has got substance. This subject is by far one of the most boring...taxation suject kasi...but he has a lot to offer aside from what the book says. He correlates the subject matter with current events to keep us in the know and give us something worth listening to. He's a very effective lecturer. No wonder he doesn't panic with his reputation of one who frequently absents himself from class- he knows his subject matter and he can manage- it's just a matter of balance. :)

Another one-liner from me in the cold pouring rain

"You say: be strong my love, don't let me go. But I say: I'm stronger my love- so I let you go."

Success motivates me to be more vigilant

Yes, to be more vigilant than ever...that's what I am struggling with at this time. Last week's opening of the class had me anxiously finding my time with the Lord, and since we're talking high-pressure fourth year workpile versus spirituality...it's unquestionably hard for me, who's still trying so hard to keep her sights on eternity in check over anything else.

But I am determined!!! I refuse to fall back and get stuck in the pit of meaningless existence. I refuse to be in a stagnant relationship with God. I refuse to be in that position wherein my morals are out of the window. I refuse to lose my sight of what is right in the highest standards- God's.

I admit my weakness in the face of being tempted to 'just forget about God for a while and chat with my friends/ play dota/ do nothing/ sleep.' After all, it's been quite a while since I've spent time with my college friends, dota seems like a fun game, and sleeping is just...heaven? Hehehe. It is. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak nga talaga.

Indeed, there is no harm in having fun, as God wants us to be happy and enjoy his gifts. But these should not hinder me from finding my time for him.

Kaya nga ako'y napaparaning sa kakagawa ng paraan!!! Gusto ko ng fun fun, but not too much that I neglect my spiritual growth! It's happened quite a lot in the previous year. I don't want it to happen again. It's enough sadness and loneliness...mistakes...ungrace. It's ugly. It's what comes with my life away from the Lord who knows best.

Thankfully, I had been able to keep up with the reading and praying. So far. :) Thank God for that. But this feel of success at its early stage should not make me relax. I have to be vigilant, more than ever. Sabi nga ni Christ sa mga apostles niya sa garden...'keep watch and pray that you may not fall into temptation.'

Keep watch. Be vigilant. Temptation is everywhere. I am facing them all the more. God help me.

On the last day of her summer vacation, she ate halo halo...

Babaw pero yeah, I ate halo halo just today, thanks to my brother.:) It's not the simple street halo halo that I have been wishing to eat all summer long, but it's close enough.

Kasi before summer started I had been craving for halo halo. The heat gets to you...you must know how that feels, unless you've been staying too cooped up in the house for too long...anyway ayun, I remarked to several friends that I want to eat street halo halo. Yeah, for all I know I can just walk to chowking one of my visiting days to ust, but I did not want to, because I wanted street halo halo. If it's not that, then I'm not eating any.

So there. Months passed. I fixed my papers. I enrolled. We had duty. Still no halo halo anywhere. I kept on looking for it. But of course, since I am limited to these common places I am permitted to go to...well, I did not get what I want. Hahahaha.

And just when I thought I'd end my summer without it, my brother suddenly gave me one...yeah, it's a deliver from chowking, but okay...can't ask for something that's not there...so I ate happily.

Hahahahaha. Iba na talaga ang walang magawa. On other things...

Kanina nga puro ako You Tube, American Idol...ewan. I still think David Archuleta has more voice quality than David Cook, who's admittedly got more spazz than the former. Aww. But okay, I love them both anyway, so it's not so bad. Pero basta mas cute si Archie...and si Jason Castro, love the eyes and the dreadlocks...man...

Si Lebron may lungkot sa mata (parang kanta lang ah), hahaha...talk about having a dog like that...mukhang pitiful na sick...but I checked, and he's physically okay. Kanina ayaw kumain...so I literally fed him from my hand...so laway laway ng dog on the palm...eeewy, had to wash off three times to ensure cleanliness.

I am severely itching to mop the whole house floor. I am just waiting for my aunt to finish dusting and sweeping before I can get to work properly. Kahapon pa yan. Pending na nga yung mop, nalabahan ko na the night before...it's just hanging around there waiting. Hahahaha. Basta, hindi ako matutulog nang hindi ko nammop ang sahig.

At ang pinakaimportante sa lahat...I am anxious about my devotional schedule with the Lord (reading the Bible on a daily basis...which I hope to furnish into a solid habit)...since it's like eating. Sa lahat ng hirap akong magawa, ito na marahil ang pinakakalbaryo sa akin. Grabe ang temptations...which keeps me from growing daily. Katamaran, tulog, kain...dota...I hate it. My weaknesses are overwhelming. But it's not an excuse. (The Lord makes my feet the feet of a deer...sa Habakkuk ata yun...) Di ba to keep ourselves physically fit, we have to eat regularly and on time. Likewise, spiritual fitness comes from knowing God better on a daily basis through meditating on the word day and night. Ayan, sa Joshua nga pala un...

``This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth,
but you shall MEDITATE in it day and night,
that you may observe to DO
according to all that is written in it.
For then you will make your way prosperous,
and then you will have good success.''
- Joshua 1:8
With that, I feel that it is important to maintain that level of vigilance on reading the word daily, kahit na may pasok pa o may duty pa. It's always comfortable to be lazy, part of human nature yan eh. But I must fight that human nature. It's got to be a habit to go get my Bible and read. Parang ligo. I can't just take a bath once a year. To be able to grow in faith and wisdom, I must strive to get away from the usual droll of the day and find time to be with the Lord...read and understand the key to live forever, which is the Bible.

Oo nga naman. Everything around us dies. But only God lasts forever and transcends time. And he knowing the way to eternal life knows best in all that we do. Again, like in my other similar entry...It's not about me and these people around me. It's about my relationship with the Lord.

Sana talaga...no, let the Lord have his way with me...na hindi ako bibitiw sa spiritual growth dahil sa nursing career ko at the opening of a tougher semester.

Parang bitay hahaha

Oo. trash talk lang. Feel ko talaga na itong hapon na ito ang pinakamahabang hapon sa buong summer ko this year. I am ambivalent. Gusto na ayaw pumasok. Napanaginipan ko pa nga si Chloe na nangungulit ng photo shoot nang naka-smock pa ata ang RLE 2.*o* Hahahaha.

Yeah, excitement and fear...siguro nga natural lang yun. I'm excited to step out of the rut and get back to busying myself in another exciting semester with my friends. But I am honestly afraid of many changes which will happen in the senior year...God give me strength...aaaa.

So habang naghihintay ng ilang oras bago ang bitay- ahem, first day of class, ehehe- ito, naglista na lang ako:

Why I like to go back to school:
- every turn is exciting...boredom seems more prevalent at home than in the classroom
- meeting with friends every school day
- may allowance, come on!
- may chance na ma-excuse sa chores
- new stuff to learn
- new people to meet
- completion of cases to come

Why I don't want to go back to school:
- less sleeping hours
- less rights on tv, dvd watching and pc gaming
- restrictions on sketching and writing
- less gimmick time
- more chances of conflict with parents
- increased stressful days
- pref cards and green book signings
- i will miss home cooking

Ayun. Hindi pa nga ako naliligo eh. I just find it hard to face na magsschool na uli. I want to sleep as much as I want...I want to cook food for my fam...I want to draw whenever I feel like it...I want to write without being told that I can't...I want to bash scourges onscreen when I'm feeling the hype...I want...

Aw, fine. School day it is. Hay. @.@

No excuses!!!

People who know me very well are aware of how I am when I am really angry. When I am pissed, I confront people. But when I am angry, I fall silent. After the height of anger subsides...that's when I seek out the person and engage in a conversation to clear the smokes.

Just now that's what's happening. He's doing it again!!! He's making me feel useless like he always does even without knowing it. I fixed shrimps for dinner. I cut off the sharps, the whiskers of the dead crustaceans...Moments ago I even walked to the store four blocks away to buy ginger despite the fact that I have three straight brothers more capable of night errands like that. I clear the kitchen, I wash the dishes they left off their meals (after all, she's (I mean myself) gonna wash it anyway, right because she can't stand the dirty kitchen).

Well that's okay. I know I'm not appreciated. But that's nothing, really...until he began to criticize everything I did. My cooking is not as traditional as his cooking, but that does not mean I'm doing it wrong. Well, who am I to say it...he's better at cooking, he's more responsible, he's more popular, he's more loved in the family, he's more recognized, more appreciated...and so yes, no matter how bitter I get here in this entry with my furious jealousy over everything this person is...he can blame me for my bad cooking. His is better anyway. So be it.

I hate it. I hate it. He's always much better than me and I hate it.

I could not speak. I had to fall silent and take control over my temper when he started to shout and lecture me. Oo, tanga na ko...yeah, using that word for me as always...oh, why does it still hurt me...tanga tanga tanga...what's in that word anyway, it's just a word constantly used by my family to describe me and everything I do. Hahaha.

After I cleared the sink quickly, I rushed to the room, beside my aunt. I told her how I felt.

"...he's not my father, dammit," I ended as I punched the letters on the keyboard.

She sternly reminded me, "It's not about you and him. It's about you and your relationship towards God."

And I had to clear my head of the anger to reinstate myself. Yeah, in everything...it's not about him. It's about God, whom I should please. I am a child of God and should always strive to act like one. In order to act maturely, I should not let emotions like this anger carry me off to the shores of rage and saying hurtful words and grumbling...simply because God isn't glorified with these tendencies...these acts. No excuses.

And I am made to think how easily we can be swayed by anger...and how it leads to sin. Anger in itself isn't a sin. Even Jesus, past his entry to Jerusalem on a mule, became angry with the moneylenders and vendors of livestock offerings loitering all around the temple, which was supposed to be sacred. He drove them out...which is justified. Mine clearly isn't.

"Lord, teach me to love others, as much as you would have me love them."

Duty, enrollment, anticipation, reassessment.

Today I woke up later than my usual 4:40am alarm and arrived in the delivery room at almost eight in the morning. Yeah, late it is...but as soon as I was done with changing into my scrubs, my groupmates Tadz and Steph appeared in front of the doorway, apparently on their way to the enrollment proper which we all thought was scheduled for ten in the morning.

In the name of super ultimate mega punctuality (and since we had a letter at hand to get us through the gates with guard bouncers, hahaha), we took our stuff and headed towards the seminary gym. It rained. Tadz was afraid that her hair might turn into a gremlin (in other words, magulo, hahahaha benta sa kin), so with love I let her hold the umbrella and share the dry sanctuary with Steph...I mean it's just a drizzle, so I did not see the need to really protect myself. The rain's a good washoff therapy for me as well, so I just let it fall on me...until we arrived at the gym and the rain turned to a trickle and poof...

We had to wait for a long time, since the coordinators were not in yet. Grr. But it was a great time for me, since I got to see my classmates after a long time...I was very ecstatic when I saw the back of my dear Yani among the crowd...with Glennis, Maja and Ja. I took the time to greet her and we had a chance to chat. She looked very refreshed...how I love this girl, hahaha. And there was also that thinned version of Ivan just two strides away from us in the crowd...I went over and gave him a greeting. He's such a lad...hahaha.

Since it was almost nine already and I haven't eaten anything, I took the waiting opportunity to go out and get something to eat, just across the entrance to the gym. Just before I did, I met Jordy, who by the way looked fantastic with her hair down just right (it was obsessively straight before due to the rebonding treatment) and her phase of muscle wasting (basta pumayat, hahaha). After we exchanged hugs...also with other classmates of ours, she agreed to come along with me to get my chow and enroll later on. While she ordered a drink for herself, I ordered ham and cheese sandwich...now usually I do not eat burgers, but this one's different. The bun was crispy like pan de sal...and the cheese was warmed just perfectly...enough to melt with the ham. And so I had no problem finishing it...downing it with half a can of pepsi just as the enrollment began.

The enrollment proper went smoothly for me...though there were minor problems with my account...kasi may overpay ata, something like that. Anyhow, it was resolved just as quickly as it came to me.

It was slightly difficult for me to part from Jordy. But I did...since I still had duty in the delivery room...though it was not the season for baby booming...it was babymaking season, so that'd have to wait for a few months more...hahaha. When I returned, KR just finished one case, which pleased me a lot. At eleven am, we had to part with the very impressive CI and eat lunch before going to our next area, which is the operating room.

Ed Cel, Katrina, Tadz, Steph, KR and I ate at the CD Caf. We rested for a while before going up to the fourth floor where we met the members of RLE 1. They were chatting merrily as predicted. Someone had a rhinoplasty just this summer...and she's happy about the improvement, hehehe. I was glad to see Jam. But I literally jumped from my seat when the thinness of my Ahia Jo came into picture- I just had a need to hug this guy, I soooo sooo missed him!!! And I felt happy that he had already completed his ten cases, along with his other group mates. Sigh also excited me...but I felt rather put out when KR, who was obviously her closest friend in class, did not even show a hint of pleasure in meeting her again. I pretended not to notice and just chatted happily with this crazy woman, hahaha.

Past the excitement of the reunion, KR and I resumed our three-day UBE. We shared some music, wrote Chinese characters...until three o' clock came and we just waited for the staff nurse to allow us to go. Speaking of which...seeing the staff nurse really made my heart jump...not because he's a papable, but because I consider him my nemesis.

*Background: During my first case in the operating room, he was the scrub nurse. The operation turned out to be a kidney transplant, which was considerably hard and unfamiliar, since the instruments used were not common. And because of these factors I was not able to move along with the team with confidence. While the surgeon was rather patient with me, this particular scrub nurse kept on bullying me in front of the team to the end of the procedure. Plus, while I was changing back into my uniform just inside the nurse's room, he sat with no less than seven of his co-nurses and began to criticize me, even saying, 'Teka, third year ba yun? Parang hindi nga nurse eh.' Worse, when I emerged, they stopped, knowing that I heard them talking badly about me. Wala naman akong laban. And with a first timer, that sure became a nightmare that stayed with me from then on.*

Anyway, itong nurse na ito, siya pala ang may handle sa min today...at mukhang hanggang next day. I became nervous, but when he addressed the students, he turned out to be something else...he acted like a kuya to us, speaking politely while giving us useful advice regarding the shift. When he left I did not know what to think...I slowly guessed that perhaps during my traumatic experience, I just met his frustrations that day with my minor case of inexperience. Or maybe he's just being nice to potential chikas, ndi kaya?? Hmm...Sigh warned us that he is fond of putting his arm over the shoulders of female student nurses.

But who cares? As long as he's nice...then I think I can handle facing him each day...and even perhaps get rid of my fear of my nemesis in him. Hahaha. Weirdo. I'm hoping for the best.

Past this encouraging experience, I took KR to San Mig Shop to buy Nestea apple and walked her to Espana gate so she could ride home. And then I met up with Maski, Kim and Paul. I asked Maski to accompany me to buy rice box on a whim. I dunno, but a feeling of sadness came over me there...and I needed to binge. When we came back, Kim had left...Paul said he got pissed.

We went to Tinoco park. While I ate my food, Paul told me his recent prospects and recent adventures in Batangas. I was glad for him, but I wonder if this is going to end up in another disappointment..? Hay, he's got his own mind, so I should let him decide on that, hahaha...obsessive.

While we were talking, I was also weighing whether I should give my prepared note to Maski or not...or not yet. Three is definitely a crowd and I was listening to Paul...so that left Maski without anything to do while sitting. I thought that maybe it was a good time to let him read my latest creation. But then again I thought that maybe it was too soon, since I haven't mustered up my courage to just give something so heavy to him. Of course there was the scared-to-be-rejected part of me to deal with, but then I decided to be real and to do as Anni would, so right then and there I pulled out my long white envelope from my folder in my bag and casually handed it to him. I'm sure he was already expecting it...since I gave him a preview the night before. I let him read while I listened to Paul...gave him important strategical advice for impressing his current prospect, hahaha. Feel ko talaga parang kapatid ko itong si Paul, so it made me feel happy for him to open up that way to me and also take time to listen to what I think of his affairs. I hit him in the face too hard though, I think...I seriously thought I owed him an apology.

Anyway, after a while, Maski was done with reading my piece. He seemed to like it, but I dunno...I wondered if it made him feel offended or anything bad...of course that's not part of my reasons for giving him such a note. I just wrote it and offered it out of love, since I really wanted to. He said his thanks, but...anyway, I just gave him a hug and went on chatting with the both of them as Paul went on playing psp (kids talaga, I thought). Suddenly, I realized I wanted siomai on a whim. At first Maski did not want that. I was not so sure if he partly meant that or what, so I kept on asking...but not in a makulit way, for fear that he might just get pissed. I waited until he decided to come along with me along Dapitan. I wanted us to share and eat merrily so I split a tray with Maski. Back in the park, we three ate...which for me was a moment to remember because for me, sharing meals has a significance...since if one eats with me on the same container, that just means he or she trusts me...that I would not put anything bad on his or her plate, something like that. Maski amused me so much...he kept fussing over me like I would fuss over my baby girl niece...or even Lebron. Hahahaha. Not that I minded at all...it made me feel special in a funny way, hahaha. Ano ba yan...

Anyway, I checked my watch. It was getting late...and I knew I had to go. Paul had to move along first, leaving me as Maski alone to take a walk. But along the way to the carpark, I just happened to noticed how I really got taller. So I mentioned it to Paul without sensing that Maski did not like that. I felt bad about being very insensitive to his feelings. But I could not forget the sting I felt inside when Maski swore aloud just as we crossed the street because of that. I know, I know...I should have not minded, it's his life, Anni...and you've no right...but...basta, fact is, I felt that way and I half-hated myself for even caring when I should not be putting my nose in other people's business. Like swearing. Maski apologized just as I distanced myself from him deliberately in an act of protest. But realizing my position, I reinstated myself quickly. Eh bits naman rin ako, kasalanan ko rin na naprovoke siya kasi insensitive ako. So ayun. At kahit ano pang close-close factor, whatever...buhay pa rin niya yun, not mine...

Later we had time to walk around. I even met a friend of his...dunno how to spell his name, but he's got this smile I would not forget...sahia took too long to reply, at nalobat pa ko, so kahit medyo hesitant ako, kinapalan ko na mukha ko at humiram ng cell kay Maski. Tawa naman ako nung umupo kami kasi nung nag-aasaran kami, parang nasabi kong, 'Dalhin mo lang ako diyan sa isang corner tapos banatan mo lang ako...kahit duguin pa ko ayos lang.' Nung una wala lang. When he emphasized the weirdness of that statement, I laughed, slightly grasping it...but it was when I was on my way home that I totally grasped the implication of what I actually said! Hahahaha.

Habang nagmumuni kami ni Maski, biglang dumaan ang kampon ni Sahia...I had to call him out to make him see me. He was suprised...turns out he was not looking at his cellphone. But I was safe. It was also a daring moment for me, since I was with Maski...a guy who is not even a familiar friend to him. But I chose to show my dear boy because I wanted to put a double underline on what it means for me to fight for my friends no matter what. Of course fighting does not necessarily mean having to cross swords, but for me what I just did...showing my bro that I was with this guy alone...I was rather scared deep inside, fearing he might tell my mother something, or he might tell me off later on...but he didn't- perhaps he respected me? Whatever ran in his mind, what is important for me is that I just chose to be true to myself and show off my friend Maskitot, since I pride on the sparm weil spirit...ah yeah. Hahaha.

Me and sahia said goodbye to our own friends and went off. We had small chats along the way. When we got home, the first thing I did was drop my stuff, charge my phone, then take a bath. It felt good. Later I ironed my clothes, ate dinner, continued ironing my clothes again (ngpause kasi nainis na si mama when I delayed my dinner, she hates that so much)...and then upo sa harap ng pc to quench a thirst for vipertripping...dota. Just one round with the AI gave me my fill...I got bored and wrote this blog...checked my mail, friendster...those things. I was rather disturbed with Maski's stat message when I tried to go online...I messaged him, but I think he's sleeping or maybe he doesn't want to talk with me...so I just sang him a weird lullaby (I really sang, hahaha insane weird saddy) before finishing this entry.

And now my back hurts...it's 10:26pm. I guess I better sleep. I have a case to prepare for by 7am. Hysterectomy...here I go...^^

Dead scared of Monday but with faith I can do it!!!

I am unable to get an early shut-eye tonight because I'm too jittery with tomorrow's completion duty beginning tomorrow morning. I know it's not even an unknown thing anymore to be in the delivery room, but I dunno...maybe because it's been a while, and sa totoo lang hindi naman kami na-expose masyado ng groupmates ko sa area na yun due to the lack of time then.

Pero yun na nga eh, just a thought- the fact that I'm getting jitters with tomorrow...that's an evident lack of faith on my part. I react as though I don't have a God who is powerful, whose mind is bigger than anything...who is...real. Yes...the only thing that's ever been real to me...the only thing I have been sure of all my life. Sabi ko nga sa blog slogan ko sa blogspot:

"You have a habit of saying that you hate God. But you can never mean it because he's the only thing you've ever been sure of."- from Anni to Peach (referring to my negativist side)

I have to agree. See, there were phases in my life wherein I would say I hate God for this and that...but I have to admit, most of those situations that I say this are my doing too. Blaming God for things I cannot do...that's just unfair. As for those situations I don't have control of...well, I just have to trust that He knows best.

I believe there is really no such thing in this world as coincidence. There are only choices on our use of free will...which result into either a bad or a good decision. All this constitute what we call...experience. Experience, which can certainly NOT be the best teacher, but can surely be the MOST CRUEL teacher one can ever have...hahaha- I can attest to that.

And tomorrow, regardless of what happens...it's an experience- a gift of another day to live for God...to be a light to others and to grow through life for Him.

I would like to share this very special realization that I had this summer vacation, the time when I had room to think again after a long long time...that since there is no such thing as coincidence and not one of us is a coincidence...that means each day we live through is given to us as decided by The Big Guy, the One who really calls the shots. Sabi nga niya, no sparrow falls to the ground apart from the will of the Father. Kung sparrow pinapansin niya nang ganoon, ano pa kaya ang tao, di ba?

And with that, every night that we would close our eyes and surrender ourselves to unconscious slumber and every morning that we would open our eyes to another conscious day...these are miracles. These are God-given miracles, gifts of one more day to live.

God can give life, and he can take it away as He will. And as He grants us another day in our lives, we can be sure that it means something according to His intricate plans.

When I had this insight one morning during the early days of April, I resolved to fix myself up and spend more time for Him. I had to remind myself that this life is not all about me- I'm not the hero, God is. He's not the one who needs saving, the helpless one is me. I had to readjust my view of the world and this life I'm living...that my highest priority in life should not be my family's survival, my love for writing, finding true love, or even nursing- these things don't last. I had to reinstate myself in enriching my relationship with the one God, my Savior Jesus Christ, who has given me his life...who has saved me by grace. And it is only through this loving grace that I am given something which transcends mortality.

I guess I had a lot of catching up to do when summer came for me this year because frankly, I got too busy with my school and house obligations to talk to God and actually spend time with him. I am still shaky with trying hard to keep up with my devotion to Him because I know that as I am human, I am easily swayed by temptations to choose not to spend time with him. But I have to develop the habit of reading the scriptures and praying...which help me a lot to grow through life. I am not perfect, and I am never gonna be perfect, but I want to grow...be better in each gift of a day that I owe to Him whom I fear and love the most.

So there. At isang oras na ang nakalipas. This blogging really helped me realize how I am to deal with this unnecessary fear...ayy...so here I go, Lord. What should happen tomorrow? Gawin niyo pong maaayos ang muling pagtatagpo ng RLE 2.

Ayy, sa totoo lang, miss ko na silang lahat. Ay...Si Lorenz shoti na makulit at mahilig magsalita with big arm gestures, natural speaker (remember Awiyao...yahahaha, joke...) at leader na nagpapakatotoo, I respect him...si Chloe na magulong mataray, masayang kasalo kumain sa duty kasi mahilig sa pagkain, at may pa-photo session pa ang magaling, aw yeah, talentado talaga, I believe...si Joshua na natural na maloko, patawa, at pasimpleng emo (at flirt kay...), hahaha...peace! Si Tadz na magulong girlaloo, madam bully sa amin (yabang, abusive pero chika lang pala, hahahaha), at kikay queen ng grupo...kaso nagpapa-bun pa yan^^, hahaha...si Steph na pretty spongky, hahaha...masayang kachika (makuwentong bruhang ito), hahahaha...kumusta na kaya ang kanyang lablayp? hehe...share! Si Alex na gorgeously pranka, laging game kaya pwedeng pwede maging cheerleader ng kung anumang kuponan, at certainly the most beautiful face in class in my opnion, at least...si Ed Cel na ka-tandem ni Joshua sa mga chika at chikas (???) at ang so far title holder for the hottest gentleman (take note of the italics!!!) in the rle group and the class (uy, seryoso yan^^)...si Kathe na mahirit (lalo na sa bukod-tanging ka-labtim na magsasaka), hahaha...sigang pranka, at maraming ikkuwento sa amin for sure, ayyy nakooo magsalita kaaa *hugs hugs*...si KR na dinaig pa si Ed Cel sa kapayatan, nako late bumati ng happy birthday sa kin, ano ba hahahaha, at hindi ko na-miss, yah right...ndi, matakaw yan, nako, discreet lang...kakain na naman kami bukas, at makikita ko na naman pala ang curly writing niyang maliit...aaaa...XP Si Jayson, ang pinakamalandi sa rle group, matakaw na lokaret talaga, nakoo...at ang pinakamagandang 1/2 friend ko na nalalaro pa ang isip kung miyembro nga ng pederasyon.:) At ang anakis ko na si Daryll, ang predictably magiging magaling na nars sa future...mabait, nurturing, pasensyosa...mapagkakamalang terror ito pag nag-CI in my opinion, kasi mahilig manaranta, mataranta, nako, certified patient advocate...:P

Ayy, nakakamiss talaga...kahit mahirap ang dinaranas...basta.^^ Faith, pare...faith lang...makes my feet the feet of a deer, sabi nga ni Habbakuk at ni David...>.<

Hmm...Loord...aaaa. Guide my hands tomorrow...well basta ba pleasure Mo, sige lang, magpapaanak ako...and again, I pray my two most important prayers:

Lord, help me love you as you would have be love you. Help me love others as you would have me love them.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Duty here I come!!!XP Aw yeah!!! Hey, yo, let's go fight!!! Good night!